sounds like your heading down the same path as me buddy! Karezza really looks the way forward!! and we can recruit @movingon77 as our Karezza guru to train us!
All I can really do is offer some personal insights into my own marriage. Been married 11 years. In pre-marriage counselling or one of the books we read (can't remember) before marrying, it was mentioned that orgasm is only one part of sex. It's true. Real sex involves navigating the whole relationship and bonding, loving the other person for who they are. Being vulnerable and sharing what's really going on with you. Trusting the other with your whole life. My porn use taught me that sex was about orgasm. Those two things are incomparible. Real sex is difficult at times but brings joy. Porn sex is easy but brings sadness. Someone compared them to a healthy full meal and fast food, and I like that analogy. So what happened in our marriage was that for a long time I still tried to orgasm. But it was all about me. I had to fantasise with porn images during sex. It was hard work, and not very enjoyable. She felt similar to your girlfriend. That when I didn't orgasm she wasn't enough for me. In fairness, she wasn't - if she was I wouldn't have fantasised. That's when we looked back at that idea that orgasm is just the end result, and focused on the process. Over time we began to enjoy eachother more fully, whether I orgasmed or not. It wasn't easy to do. I had to let go of that self-serving idea about orgasming and enjoying who she actually is. She had to let go of feeling not good enough. I still had the problems of wanting to finish off (if I hadn't orgasmed) or deal with the chaser (if I did), but that was my problem, and worth having in light of a closer relationship with my wife. These days we can have sex and I'm not worried about orgasming or not. And this lack of worry generally means that the sex is better, because she's more satisfied regardless of whether I've orgasmed or not.
For me, orgasming with a girlfriend is an emotional event. That's why I'm not wanting to do it with someone I don't care about. There's nothing wrong with expressing to her that you have just ridden an emotional rollercoaster and you're not exactly yourself for a bit. Maybe this embracing the fact that you guys just did the thing and have some major feels would help.
I think it is completely normal to have / want / need orgasms in a relationship or in general. We are probably like most couples in that normally we would both have orgasms together and also on our own by masturbation. We have been together 20 years and my husband (I'm female) has been into PMO most of this time which I don't mind at all and has been no issue. In the last 2 years he started to talk about not looking at P and going longer between M so his O felt more powerful, which I also supported him on At a similar time he went on an SSRI medication for anxiety due to work related stress. Since then he has seen his need and urge to M reduce a lot and really now, after 18 months on medication, it has really gone away. Added to this he usually doesn't get to O no matter how long we go. I thought this would be very frustrating for him but he has said he doesn't feel the need to O or the relief from it. He does seem to get a wet dream now every 4-6 weeks which he didn't before so I guess this his just what his body needs to do.
