SOs, what are you most angry about?

According to our therapists this is why my husband is drawn to p - it's all one way, he can take the physical comfort without having to handle the feelings and emotions associated with real relationships. This stems (it would seem) from not building secure relationships as a child and his emotions being suppressed. It's much easier to not engage with a real person.

 

Just a minor note, (and going back to the original point of this thread!) I really dislike this term, and also 'actress'. To me it feels far too positive.
We have agreed to refer to the people working in this industry as sex workers.
When my husband acknowledged he had been paying sex workers for their services it opened his eyes more to what he's actually been doing, rather than a sanitized version that he'd been telling himself. It helped him see more of his denial about his use.

 

Good point I think I'll edit my post.

 

Definitely an element to that, rejection for me was and still is something I struggle with.

 

I wonder though for how many people is it even a relationship at all. I mean I guess I would posit for the addicts who repeatedly followed specific workers it could be. But what about the addicts just going for random highs? I'm struggling with this. My husband would never classify it as a relationship at all, but rather just getting a hit as fast as possible. It was always random, always fast, and he didn't even think about it the next day. Sigh, I don't think I am ever going to survive this.

 

Sorry to hear that, I hope you and your husband can find a good outcome to this. I think the problem with the industry merits an entire forum, however when it comes to p I'd say there is a general random pattern but I guess some p addicts could fixiate in one person or fetish. Though the nature of the addiction depends a lot in novelty which explains the randomness of it, or whatever is going to provide that spike of "high". Sadly often times that leads to more extreme content...

Following along with what mint said earlier, maybe he is escaping other feelings and not those related to relationships, can be anything really, boredom, stress, sadness, even happyness can be a trigger. "gotta elevate this happy moment I'll get a quick hit" type of thing. Your husband needs to identify what lays under his triggers and what he is trying to escape with P

 

I don’t think very many would classify it as a relationship. I know my husband wouldn’t. Part of the allure is that it “ wasn’t” a relationship. However his subconscious doesn’t know that. He still bonded because that’s what the sequence is with pmo. His brain rewarded that behavior because it thinks he’s having sex with high value partners. Just because it’s fast doesn’t negate that. I’d say most partnered men had to be fast because they don’t have the luxury of wasting an hour, especially if wife is a sah mom like myself. My husband was rarely ever home alone. His treat was when he was on business trips, could take all the time he wanted. I’m guessing this is why he didn’t experience pied until he was 45.

 

He already did, he's 4 years clean. It was mostly stress and depression, and then it eventually was just an addiction of routine - same time, place, duration, like part of his getting ready for bed routine. I just find it very weird and hurtful to hear others talk about it as if it is a relationship. He has never described it that way, for him it was something he kept in a very small box, he only used the porn to get the very quick high at night. So I guess I am struggling with the part where us SOs are supposed to really believe this is an addiction, the same as if it were a drug, that it was about the high not about intentionally cheating on us. And then people go and talk about it like it's a relationship. It is very confusing.

 

The way I see it... Relationship or addiction doesn't really matter because he cut that behaviour. He acknowledged that it was bad for him and his life. If it was a relationship it was probably the worse relationship ever whereas the one with you likely the best! Don't get too cought up in semantics because even profesionals have different takes when it comes porn. I guess what I'm trying to say is don't let your emotions to be defined by x or y term. If you feel betrayal then that's absolutely legitimate.

Perhaps from an addicts perspective I'd say it's not about the cheating, or you at all. It's about getting that high, feeding the godamn primitive brain. If it helps, all of us porn addicts or recovered porn addicts, either single or married, seeked the same thing, the high. From the sound of it his brain probably just went like ok it's porn time, like an alarm clock. For me it was around noon after lunch. Still get it sometimes. It's the most annoying feeling. Having a great day and all of the sudden brain starts buzzing. I have no control over it, nothing stimulated it, just woke up then.

 

Porn may be the only relationship that an addict has ever known as described by Craig Nakken in The Addictive Personality.

And it is an addiction. Because on one end, my subconscious addicted fleshly self was battling against my conscious decision to stop. Hoping that willpower would be enough, my subconscious often won over. And then I would consciously feel guilty for acting against my own decision and against my own moral beliefs. I admit that I confused sex and love with porn. Because porn is all I really knew. It doesn't seem farfetched to me that an addict would refer to it like a relationship, not really understanding what relationships, love, or sex really are.

But it's also cheating. My porn addiction is not an excuse for my cheating behavior. My porn use stems from my selfishness and self-centeredness. Not the other way around. So it's my responsibility to get the help that I need and find a program of recovery. So that I'm not making empty promises to myself and others, but uncovering a path that will truly help me break free with the help of God.

 

I do think it's unfair for anyone though to say your husband doesn't feel the way he has told you. 4 years is a big deal and he's obviously done a lot of work on how he felt about everything. Everyone has different views, experiences, morals etc. And you know him better than anyone here.

 

Finished that article. I definitely relate with some of what is said. But, I don't think that P in any form fits my description of my first love. Thank you dial up internet, and dumb phones!

Much of that article describes my feelings of my first love/high school sweetheart. I remember many specific things about our relationship that I don't about others. I will say that my experience with my wife isn't any different, as I described my first look at her as that 14 year old boy I still feel that way. The article also describes that sentiment. There's just a 10 year gap between that in ways I guess, I remember seeing her at events in between there, and always thought of her as I do now. I'm thankful that has been my experience.

As I read the article and thought of it more today, traumatic events also are engrained in my mind, and that's where I think I classify my first exposure to P. I remember it well. I also remember running a tractor into Dad's new pickup as a kid like it was yesterday, oh man what a day... And I remember my near death experience as it were this very moment.

All that to say I guess I see how it most definitely could be true, that P could fit that description and it's pointing out to me the importance of early exposure and the amount of that exposure. I need to start researching how to protect the little ones in my home from this early access!

 

Yeah, I don't think it has that role in my life of 'first love' either. I didn't use P until I was maybe 16, prior to that I would use my Imagination. I did masturbate a LOT but the urge was always primarily for sexual release rather than for pornography specifically.

The only period in my life where porn use became a 'problem' was in my early 20s, where I feel into a rut after uni. I started actively trying to avoid porn from the age of about 25 after a girl I was seeing told me it would improve my mood. I had no idea how much it had changed me until I started noticing improvements. I'd been struggling with social anxiety that was very out of character and it just went away. I felt more confident, more assertive, more virile. My 'rut' went away and I wonder how much it was actually caused by porn use.

That was ten years ago and I didn't know a thing about the NoFap movemen t until about 3 years ago. I think I got incredibly lucky in meeting a girl that somehow had managed to figure out what I couldn't - that my 'harmless' vice was slowly damaging my brain and hormones.

 

So do many of us, its pretty rare I think. I torture myself with well I just wasnt good enough to try to work it out with.

 

We are tortured with "well I just wasn't good enough to not be cheated on". It's very hard for the addict to truly realize that they already repeatedly chose not to try and work it out. Every time the addict partner goes to other people sexually and acts out, they are choosing not to work out whatever negative feelings are sending them there and therefore not work it out with their spouse.
My husband divorced me, I just did the paperwork, I believe is the saying.

 

It's not always about if the addict is good enough or not. The problem at hand can often be did the hurtful actions stop and can the damage be survived. There are SOs who love their husbands dearly, but at some point the pain is too much. And if there is no end in sight, if the lying continues, if the acting out continues.....well everyone has a breaking point.

 

100% this. Addict -I cheated and lied for 20 years, made sure my spouse knew they were not important by my actions. Spouse leaves -they didn’t love me enough ….

 

My "acting out" paled in comparison to much of what I see on here, even this thread. When I see what some guys have done, and their women have stayed, it makes me happy for them, but also sad that I never had that opportunity.

 

I think you said you were married 16 years. You had many opportunities. You may not agree, but that’s how your wife saw it. Like most, you probably didn’t realize it was an addiction, but you did know what you were doing and you did know it caused problems. Just like our husbands. You chose to continue. Your acting out did not pale in comparison to Godly men who do not cheat on their wives. To men who honor, cherish, and love and respect their wives. You choose to compare yourself to the bottom of the barrel. My husband did the same. He compares himself to people far worse than him. My husbands acting out “ paled” in comparison to just about everything I see on here. However, his so called love, devotion, respect, honor, is nothing compared to the men who live up to basic standards of decency. I don’t compare myself to abusive, unfaithful women. You know why? I have nothing to be ashamed of to need to find someone worse than myself. I hold myself to a high standard, I expected that from my husband. Wives leave when they know nothing will change, or when they are so broken, they need anything to make them feel better. When I see what some guys have done and their wives stay, I am heartbroken for the shattered wife.