SOs, what are you most angry about?

I’ll go-
First and foremost that he lied. He did not give me a choice. He did not trust me.
That he gas lit me. When I knew something was wrong and tried to talk about it, he repeatedly, vehemently insisted nothing was wrong.
When I’d find questionable things, he would always have a logical reasonable answer that made me question myself.
That he knew it affected things but did nothing about it, for years.
That he would tell me no to sex.
That he knew things I could not- why he couldn’t get it up( because he had just masturbated) or why he was angry etc… all the things you guys know what happens when you use but the partner has no way of knowing so is left confused and upset..
That he gave more time, thought, planning, protection, to his porn use than to his family. Rarely a moment of free time he wasn’t thinking about it or planning to use.
It upsets me that unlike alcohol, his addiction is the using, abusing, and fantasy of being with other women. He daily chose other women and his hand because his fantasy was better than anything I offered. It’s the entitlement of he deserves his harem of make believe women and men no matter the cost to our family. The knowledge that because his addiction is pmo escalation can happen at any time irl and in many cases it does. This bothers me a lot right up there with the lies and keeps me from ever really trusting him. I don’t care what kind of porn he watched, I don’t care how often he did it or where, or if he had a favorite actress. I only care about irl-sexting or chat rooms, will be a divorce, messaging, or contacting women or spending our money on his addiction. No polygraph for me to confirm will be divorce. Addiction escalation happens, I’m going to protect myself

 

I’m angry that porn is so easily accessible. That studies “show” it’s not harmful and psychologists run with the “it’s even healthy.” I’m angry that men want to blame women for their lack of control. God forbid a 10-13 year old wear a bikini. That husbands insist and blame their wives for their lack of love and attraction and inability to control themselves. I’m angry that if a man looks outside his partner for sex everyone blames the woman, she doesn’t satisfy him, she let herself go, she’s must not be good in bed , she won’t do what he wants, or she’s just uptight…… the list goes on

 

My husband had been trying to quit from the day we married. My anger comes at his inability to realize he needed help. No one gets clean on their own. I jus don’t know how you can’t stop something and continue to think “ this time I will”.

 

It wasn’t a daily thing for my husband either, until he was 45 and went through a horrific trauma. That’s when it escalated. He was a very functioning addict. From 45-50 I’m guessing it escalated to every day, as that’s when he got pied.

 

Telling your wife over being caught is 100x better for her healing!!!

 

It takes 18 months to 3 years of work with a professional for a partner to get through betrayal trauma. Longer if they are getting help. You say you never said no, what I’ve found with other women is some of their husbands always wanted sex and would coerce them into it. By this, they would sulk if told no, or be irritated, or any other negative action to get sex. They would bully to get what they wanted, focus on themselves, or pressure partner to do something they don’t want. I’m not saying this is you, just the opposite end if the spectrum from my husband

 

She won’t say what she’s feeling? What exactly she’s angry about? This is an unhealthy response, usually caused by fear.

 

Yeah, that causes a lot of anger too, lol. It’s interesting , the women I work with if their husbands were like mine, they were almost hyper sexual, if their husbands were like you the women shut down sexually eventually.

 

This right here is really well written. You are brave to stay with your husband through so much. You must really love him.

 

Is your therapist a csat? Do they understand betrayal trauma? Just for example your wife will not begin healing until YOU have stopped acting out. So the last time you looked at porn or masturbated is when her time begins. The betrayed is always behind the addict. Plus, they will heal much, much slower without any support or help. My husband began recover 4.5 years ago. I had weekly therapy, went to a 3 day intensive, have a group of women I meet with, and I journal. I’m not healed. At all. But I’m getting there. Take the amount of time you abused her because of your addiction and ask yourself, how long would I think is a reasonable amount of time to heal from finding out my husband has lied and cheated all of our marriage?

 

I agree, but, with betrayal trauma many partners have no interest in working on themselves until they notice real change in the addict. By real change, I don’t mean just sobriety. Have you read any books on betrayal trauma? Here are a couple good ones -Worthy of Her Trust, Intimate Deception, Out Of The Doghouse, and Helping Her Heal( dvd).