Rebooting and Cleaning up in a Marriage

Just my opinion. But a hard mode reboot is very beneficial. I didn't want to do it at first. Being addicted to PMO and wanting to shift that directly over to a spouse is tricky. Because an addict is still operating under the same cycles. I got along pretty good going the no PM route while having sex only with my wife. I did see the short term benefits of going a few weeks to 45 days fully no PM. And enjoyed sex when we had it. But I certainly know that I acted differently during this time. I wanted sex again, just like I would have wanted a chaser with PMO. We might have sex several days in a row, but eventually there would be some reason we couldn't and that's when relapses happened. Took me several months of that to realize that I had to try the hard mode reboot. It's not easy, especially in a marriage, because your spouse needs to be on board. But I think it's worth it.

 

Wish you well on this.

Tomorrow amazingly marks 1 year being here for me.

To answer the question of the urges, one of the first things I had to do is start keeping track of triggers. What was the trigger that caused the urge? Anxiety was a huge one for me. I also am self employed, and spend lots of time working alone in the outdoors. Plenty of time for the mind to play tricks and get you to cave.

Once you have a handle on triggers, I started to use a form of self talk, if I was anxious about the business and all that was going on. I had to remind myself that I can only control what I can control, it's weird, but I went through Waves where that would creep up. I'd have a few hours where I would get triggers every few mins. Then I'd go a few days where I felt perfectly fine. The key just like learning any new skill, is repetition. Repeatedly remind yourself you are ok, that you can only control what you can. Ask yourself what's one thing I can do right now to better this situation? And go do it. There was a point where I just had to laugh at myself, because I would talk myself out of an anxiety trigger, and have another and another and another. Took me about a month of really working on this to feel better about it.

I think addictions are coping mechanisms for things. Your mind will dart to that because it wants to run from whatever is making you feel unsafe and unregulated. The more tuned you can be with yourself on that the better things go I think.

Withdrawals I believe are real, and there were some days early on where I really struggled. But it just took a few repeated streaks of 14 plus days to really make some headway on that. I recently screwed up a 100+day streak and am getting going again now. This time around I didn't deal with the early withdrawals like I did a year ago. So I guess progress is being made, but it's also a sobering experience, there's a long way to go.

 

Something else that I think happens, is we can convince ourselves that sex with our wives is what we are needing, when in reality it might not be the case. I had an expectation that I needed sex 2 times a week from my wife when I first got here, I felt that was a compromise. Now I'm not so sure that once a week or even every other week isn't a satisfactory average for me. And I'm realizing the emotional level connection stuff I needed a lot more than I realized.

I guess the point I'm trying to make is, lots can change during this time working on addiction. So keep that in mind.

 

Yep you are definitely spot on here. I'm no expert, but I think I might finally be realizing that even with the toughest stuff, the solution is still the same. There's no quick fix, just repetition, creating new habits, coping skills, etc.

Check out the book "Redefining Anxiety" by Dr. John Delony. It's a quick reader but it's very helpful. He has a show too where he answers calls. And can find lots of that stuff on YouTube. I think he recently released another book that's longer on anxiety recently too that I haven't read.

 

Was reading your posts again this morning and I didn't say anything about this.

This is one of the harder things to do. On a surface level if your alone and urging, use self talk to work through. If that fails, get an accountability partner or group, this really helps. Call someone, do anything to not be alone. I got earbuds so I could work and visit with friends and family while working that really helped. I also found an AP here and we talked a lot.

There's a lot deeper stuff on the topic of aloneness/loneliness but it seems everyone struggles a little differently in this regard.

Early on, your body is going to be so used to the cycles that happen when you are by yourself. And so any time it thinks it has an opportunity you will likely get strong urges. Othen my mind would dart to that immediately when I had the opportunity. Just remember that's all it is in that moment, a habit that was formed from years of indulging.

 

Been there done that man. This remarkably got better for me pretty fast. I'd go a few weeks relapse, struggle, and then deal with it again. But a few month long clean periods with a single relapse in between still did help with this. I haven't dealt with those long multiple hour long spells in a long time though now. So that feels good.

My wife is very introverted and avoidant, she's not one that likes talking about "feelings". In some ways it's nice because she gives me space. But in others I really wish I could talk to her more.

I'm the wrong person to ask about all the stuff the significant other of an addict goes through. But it's a big part of this specific addiction. Best advice I can give is, try hard to not let things trigger shame, try and replace shame with humility, which admittedly is much easier said than done. Once shame is triggered we often shut down important conversations, because we stop listening and trying to understand.

Everyone is different, including each SO. So it's hard to say what's best in a blanket statement. What I see repeatedly SOs say here that I've taken to heart is the repeated cycle of relapse, lying/covering up, and divulging of new information, is maddening. So don't lie, and admit immediately if you do. There's SOs here who can explain how they feel about it in way better ways than I can.

My personal opinion is tell her what she wants to know and keep the lines of communication open, she'll probably have more questions as time goes on. Details can be both healing and hurtful, and really only your wife can say how much information she wants/needs. If you've ever cheated, or done any other physical acting out, she needs to know that right now waiting just makes it worse. There's also probably a lot of things you think and feel that are influenced by addiction, so I think when it comes to some stuff like that taking time to work through it is important.

Shame, really screws up this process i think. Because it's hard to just fully open all this stuff up instantly. It peels back in layers. Keep that in mind when talking with your wife, there will be things that are easy to admit, and others that are really freaking hard to admit. Facing that shame by fighting addiction though makes this easier to process and brings a lot of clarity I think.

 

The first month noP was the hardest so far for me. Crazy thoughts the mind would have to try to get you to give it the rush. But if you can be successful once, you just keep doing that over and over. It does settle down and space between urges gets waay longer! I try not think about 90 days, just one day at a time. You may need to involve a counselor for the stuff with your SO if she's got betrayal trauma.

 

You'll probably go through bouts of this that slowly are farther and farther apart. Its sure a lot easier when it's 4 weeks apart instead of every day!

 

I think both are true, I also experienced this. I found myself just smiling and happy for no apparent reason. It shows just what has happened to us. There will be lows though and just like any habit we can fall into it easily in weak moments.

Sounds like a great test and opportunity! Maybe this month you can work on some alternative methods to those moments when you are alone, so that when you are alone you have some things in place to help with those moments. If you need someone to talk to, feel free to DM me. An AP will really help, so will calling family/friends. Keep yourself busy. There were times where I felt like fire alarms were going off inside my body, it just felt so different I think not to indulge. Those moments were tough. If you feel that way it might be good to just shut the phone off and go for a walk with no technology until you feel better.

Another thing that worked for me was coming here and reading journals. But it's more dangerous because you are only a click away from a slip unless you have blockers in place.

 

I don't know how you got the idea that women like to look at other women, sounds bizarre to me. And if she knows you're having a problem with porn I don't understand why she is showing you triggering photos. That's like offering an alcoholic a drink. Maybe your habit hasn't damaged her like many of the other women here. Personally, and I hate to say it, but I hate all those skanks all over the internet.

 

I expect your wife doesn't realize that it was triggering at all. It's not triggering to her, and this is still very new to her what you are working on.

I don't think there's anything wrong with you telling her you'd rather she not show you pictures like that. Especially if it truly did trigger you. But this is going to be something you deal with whether she is the one showing you or not. It's hard to go anywhere these days without triggering content being seen. Some really great men here have said they finally came to the realization that they didn't need to try to "practice" being able to look at triggering content, when they see it they just avert their eyes and focus on recovery, there's no need to pretend that it's something that isn't triggering. Only you know what you can handle and what you can't, I think that's good advice, avoid those little ways your brain tries to get you to give in just a little bit.