Oasis of Peace

Om shooo

might’ve indulged a bit much on sex with partner and Om just good hard training at the gym. Pretty just blasted out into space right now

(@_@)

It’s good though

kinda like stying up late. It’s cool and quiet nice time of day


Maybe I’ll just work later hours but I like to get off by five just to see my partner. Idk if I work till six we’ll see.

Spoiler: Questionable practices

so I did try watching porn I think for the first time with my partner. I know some ppl on here do like no PMO but with partner anything goes. I mean it was cool and we made good love after. I dunno tho. I feel like the best is to just read hentai mange together. Is it idk? I’ll see what she’s into. She showed me some site where the poems made for girls. Lotta foreplay. Haha that’s nice I’m glad she enjoyed it with me. But yeahhh. Sexual urges don’t really go away. You just manage them better

 

Awe my babes the best and comforted me while I was really tired today from all the yard work

ps my mom bought me a gaming computer so I’m super happy. Things so nice it’ll play like a dream.
I’m feeling tentative to play jungle in smite I don’t wanna let everyone down as I try to learn to play the role.

I guess I can watch a vid on how to jg in smite.

 

Wow just finished cyberpunk anime of the year winner

all I can say is what a depressing show. Nice looking with good music but jeez

VINLND SAGA GOT ROBBED LOL

I know I know I just like Vinland saga cuz I’m into Vikings

ommmmm yeah that was straight up macabre. Very dark.

gosh.

I’m no drinker these days. I used to take eight shots in a night with a small 165 lb frame.

Today I had one beer that took me three hours to finish and feel all gross and regret it after .

heh guess I’ve come full circle. Om guess I’ve been doing good at smite. And TCG. Testing out a TCG deck now but the opponent just went afk haha

I can just sit here twenty minutes it’ll give me the win. What a drag. Gonna go play the arena tournament. Still waiting on the next tournaments release. I’ll have fun playing some higher competition. I mean who knows if I’ll get my butt kicked or win one.
I’ve gotten way crazier lately. I grew the comfort zone. I was scared to do a lot of things now I’m fine. I just tough through and I’m fine after.

ommmmmmmm leveling to ranked in smite is a mission. So many games.

I am proud to say I’ve made two viable decks in TCG although only one held up to arena so far testing the other now

hah just got my first win with it that makes both decks viable.

I get so concerned about things. I wish I didn’t worry so hard. Guess that’s what the fluoxetine is for. Still I don’t want more than the 20mg I’m on. Kinda scares me sometimes. Hah. The anti anxiety medication is too anxiety provoking to try hahaha so ironic

wonder if I can make a third deck. Listen this is not easy. Try doing it you’ll see how hard it is to make a legit deck in TCG arena games.

man that beer killed my energy I’m usually stoked to play games at nite

lame

oh well I drank it for David Martinez of cyberpunk anime. Had to drink one for him.

ommmmmm hoof yeah I mean I guess I worry about making money. About my new job. About disappointing my superiors or just messing up you know? I like my job I want to do well and get along with others at it. I have some money saved and I’m very frugal. So it’s okay.

Om and my monthly expenses are very low. I’ll get my pet reimbursement eventually I hope. Then it’ll be alright more so I’ll get back like $600. Hopefully from his pet insurance.

Hummmm I mean this is what I wanted. A long hiatus from work to game and chill with loved ones. I think cyberpunk plus that tiny bit of beer made me feel depressed is all. Alcohol depressant marijuana boost anxiety and psychosis. Though not always that way it’s been observed in many

heh including me. That’s totally how I got schizoaffective symptoms. Man this games so slow. I’m gonna try to make a deck that plays fast next.

After playing smite TCG is super slow lol

 

Pretty out of it last nite. Thankfully I have one session tomorrow at nine am to get up for. May I get in bed by 11 tonight

I’m insisting on plying only cute characters on smite. Heh. Don’t wanna play as the monsters cause tong Yao didn’t in falling into your smile Chinese drama about gaming


Disclaimer mom said don’t game too much so I won’t.

also I can’t say I’m proud of myself to this but. I wasn’t doing great in game then just afk by tower then came back and amazing we won lol

 

Sadly the Steam is not installing the Smite just yet. I dunno my idea is just let it run with that 'installing prerequites' message for many hours and see what happens. This is why I got a PS5 first. They actualyl work with little to no troubleshooting out the box.

PC's are a mess lol though they are really powerful too. I need to 'retrieve the windows key from the motherboard BIOS'. Can't you guys guys guys just like give me a piece of cardboard with the windows key on it in the box? I'm supposed to know how to use command prompts and powershell admin run codes what the????

jeez.

Also the Intel drivers froze installation at 22% for hours then I just closed it so. Is this thing running properly? Jeez time will tell lol. Not even sure if I can get Smite running on it right now. Don't really wanna play LOL. That game was like not mutable fully and then ended up some person flaming people (sometimes me). Just uncool.

 

Boom boom boom

ah tummy gurgling from eating babes ground Turkey. She doesn’t cook it through enough for my stomach to be okay.

sheesh

we’ve talked about it multiple times but it’s never improved to where I don’t get sick from her cooking. Only her salads are safe as there is no cooked raw meat in them.

her stomach handles it fine though.

I don’t care at all so long as I’m healthy I’ll make all my own food is fine. It just isn’t ok with her. She seems sad that I don’t really eat her cooking at all.

I’ll be ok I just need to eat some plain carbs and don’t touch the meat she cooked

Om

thankful for that one session I have today at nine. Made me actually sleep a good amount and get up early to prep. Works kinda good for me like that. Otherwise the mischief making just continues forever haha

 

It gurgles
Churns
Ohhh oweeeee
Bleh blurp
Feels like throwing up
This really shouldn’t feel so normal
Don’t do too much to help people
Making them feel good at your expense
It’s not worth it
You’ll have to let them feel bad sometimes
When it means surviving for yourself
Buddha Died doing that
I wonder why he ate that food I dunno
He cared a lot
You do too
Just don’t get sick anymore to make
Her feel better about her cooking please
Give her a hug and some chocolate
Next time you refuse to eat her cooked
Meats

 

Om

sleepy
That’s not good
Will take care of that
Well I sure do hope this more
Innocent way of life will workout
Because there’s no easy fix sometimes
You just need to work really hard
Then they’ll sleep with u lol
I figure just be friendly and attractive
It’ll pay off eventually
They’ll just get in the mood and jump you
Always works for me
It’s my style these days
Works with my cat
With my girlfriend
Just kind of be a good being
That’s ready and waiting
But not overly pursuing
Yea sounds good ZenYogi
Good plan
Todays a good day
I’m going to do this short shift of just one session
Then I’ll put putt around for about a week and get started with my advertising. Probably get started within the week on advertising. Man I need a nap or something. Just a corpse pose

wear a sweater corpse pose can get cold

Meowy keeps getting in front of me and then I can’t walk. He wants to be pet but isn’t at the point where he feels safe enough to just drop down and let me pet him it seems

He regularly jumps on me at night and stays a while though. That’s good progress. Bulmas gotten better at sex too though neither one’s perfectly the way I want them. I suppose I’d like more like ability to have hard sex while stying open and relaxed not tensing up. And for meowy to just sit still on my lap or leaning on me and let me pet him for a while.

Om

seems good to me though. I’ve been lucky to have had girls that could have sex like that where they can just pound it out. And cats that would sit all day for pets and cuddles.

I realize now I had the best of the best. Of course not as a whole though partner wise. My exes that were good lays were cheaters and abusers as well haha. Wish I could get than kind of sex tho.

 

Whens this thing going to hit 50 pgs already?! haha

Never eating Bulma's poultry cooking ever ever again no matter what never ever it made me so sick again. oh gosh even the pepcid only did so much.

Need to eat some plain carbs somehow.....

absorb the pain

wonder what it'll be like to play games on a desktop vs laptop

it's kinda nice to be able to recluse and do something interesting in my room for a change.

I wonder ...

Could I survive without health insurance? That's maybe too much of a risk honestly. Yeahhhh.....

Oh yeah I also require medication for my mental health forgot about that. Man this downloads going pretty fast. 245 mbps how many gigs is that? Huh that's one gig every three seconds. That's really fast. So the next 28 gb will finish in....90 seconds?

That seems too good to be true lol. Maybe more like 5-10 mins.

okay gonna nap

 

I think I need to eat something now. Om yeah I guess I have that chicken burrito. Idk I have some pasta and chicken I made. Could do a chicken sandwich. Gonna go with the burritos .

 

When the going gets tough the tough get going.

so I felt depression and I fought it. With a few rounds shadowboxing and a bikram yoga flow after. Feeling good again. Listening to upbeat music. Cooling and lighting are good I. My home as well cared for and did all the dishes.

You can get things done whether it’s 11pm or 5 am.
Honestly I’ve been pushing my physical limits and making steady gains.

It’s been a long time since I looked at my arms and thought, “That’s what I’m talking about.”

todays a good day.

it really is. Feels like nothing to get my flow in now. And my rounds. And doing weighted dips and chin ups is doable. Maybe for the first time. I’m on the come up and it’s progressed prior past life milestones

this break is nice. It’s building insane motivation to just sit and do nothing all day. When I get back to work I’m going to work my butt off and grind at the training this Thursday to make sure I can hit the ground running. Onboard smooth. Cats acting wild may need to turn lights off or lock him in my room or something .

not chill when he zombies at night as he leapt on my leg accidentally leaving a few seven inch scratches. Thankfully I’m a boy and people don’t bat an eye at a scar like that. But I’m a pretty boy and prize my looks that I’ve cultivated for so many years. I don’t like getting marked up.

Good he’s calmed down some. Phew. I find when it’s hot he goes off. When I put him in my room and practice yoga next to him he mellows out and continues playtime with a more balanced energy.

Thank goodness

I don’t even mind anymore if he hides a lot of the time just so long as he’s not sprinting around me while I sit on the couch

I honestly kind of hope I don’t have kids right now. Don’t want to mess up a good relationship. Heh classic words of a guy with divorced parents.

I want a new phone or something like just a new battery in this one. What’s that cost? I’ll go with my mom to the Apple Store and check it out. Honestly I wouldn’t mind just going tomorrow and doing it and staying a night there. Come back and leave around 11am when traffics low. Yeah I’m cool with that.

idk what to do with my gaming pc. I like playing it but it like ommm hurts my back to play so who knows. Hopefully it’ll just not hurt and I’ll play SMITE2 on it. Hehe would be nice to take a break from the living area for a change. Life’s good I love life and life loves me. I am my best self I am living my best life. I am thriving.

I feel glorious dynamic energy. I am active and alive

GANBARRE!!!!!
AKIRA MENAIDE!!!!!!

 

That’s my war cry. Take it or leave it

I have this gigantic Hunter x Hunter shirt I wear makes me feel better and my gfs hoodie she gave me too.

which I could just undepress in an instant but I know it can be a process sometimes. Amazing how mental health can be a house of cards. No matter how long it stands just a single beer or a call to you sister you don’t enjoy spending time with runs things off the rails again.

 

Om

It’s noon. I’m just getting up. Actually 1250pm. I’m in my chair writing though. That’s progress. Not in bed.

I had no idea I’d be so off sleep schedule when left more fully to my own devices.

work kept me on schedule.

can I keep myself on schedule now?

Been saving g money maybe a bit too hard think it’s time to hit Trader Joe’s for some better grub.

Ommmmmmm did a solid upper body workout yesterday. Gonna dip water and hit lower now. The only question is EDM or Indie music?

Or K-pop.

I really just want a heavy goblet squat and some core work.

bulmas been beat these days. She’s got like a long work conference so I only see her a couple hours while she’s tired.


I think I can make the most of it by watching a C or K drama with her. Or whatever show she’s watching just sit in on it so I can maximize bonding time with her. Just miss her is all.

I do get strong sexual urges when I get less attention from her like this week. Makes me think about asking if I could have someone else to just hookup with when I want it. There are a lot of people out there that will just be on call for sex like that. They want it and find you attractive kind of thing.

They’re just thoughts and feelings though. I let them pass and focus on what my goals. Money muscle mindful. Sublimate the urges and desires into those. I’m opting for this monogamous lifestyle. So, so be it. It would really be a mess trying to make ethical non monogamy work. plus I have a whole lot of drive and energy to achieve non sexual goals. Though for me everything does come back to sex hehe.


Well let imagine the ENM and the long term monogamy. And answer the question. “Am I happier with this?”

long term monog:

get super fit doing well financially career wise and spiritually. Sublimated desires well. Not much sex maybe just 1-3x per week. Some weeks none at all as she’s on work trips.

I am very happy with my ability to conquer the sexual energy in myself. Good control. It’s safe I feel calm knowing we only sleep with each other. This allows me more relaxing time with her even if it’s not sex.

seemed pretty happy there.

ENM:

We chat about sex with other people while keeping our relationship the main one and top priority. I mess around on some apps to hookup with girls. It takes a lot of energy. She sleeps around with some friends or whoever. We worry about STIS.

We feel jealous sometimes. It’s exhausting for me to find a solid hookup buddy or two. And when I secure one it’s tiring to make time to sleep with them. I feel neglected and distant from bulma. It’s nice having sex with multiple women.

but so tired. No time for my hobbies


Yep that one feels kind of dead. Not so happy ther haha . Well good visualization practice. Therapeutic imagination. Feels pretty good. Om maybe that’ll work on my sleep

it’s hard
I sleep on time
In bed by 11pm
Even though I have no obligations or work
I wake up refreshed
I feel amazing
Excited for the day
I train hard and enjoy some games
Bond with my partner
Giving her my undivided attention
It’s hard but it’s worth it
I actually win my games too
Because I’m not a zombie playing at 3am



I sleep at 430am
After five losses in a row on smite
I’m too tired to pay attention
Why am I doing this?
I wake up zoned out
Dragging through the day
Why am I doing this?
I resolve to change
Hope it works
It’s nice my cat cuddles a bit more around
2am
But it’s not worth it
It’s easy to stay up late
But it’s not worth it
It’s not even fun



definitely the monogamy and the sleeping by 11pm are my picks. Those sound like I’d be much much happier with them. Hard but worth it. Let’s pursue that ZenYogi yes yes Om Om omm

 

Om om omi omerson

homer?
omer?

Okay alright that cleared the cobwebs some.

Don't break the gaming seal till later. Don't look at websites on the games or vids or anything. Just focus on productivity time. Working, handling bills, keeping credentials and CEU's up to date. Studying psychology and spirituality. That kind of thing yes.

Keeping on visualizing logging out of the game screen to help mind memory to logout randomly and easier. I know I can do this. My goal is to be in bed by 11pm even when I have zero obligations the next day!

I can do this!

Right what else is going on?
Ommmmmmmmmmmm I have come to the blatant realization that work is very healthy for me. In moderation of course lol. After this long hiatus from work I don't plan on retiring anymore. I think I'd like to soft retire in my 50's or 60's. And just work part time at a local bookstore/manga shop. And just spend my extra money on reading the new manga and going on vacation.

Even better if my partner works there with me. Having work even just 20 hours a week is a blessing for me. It makes me stay on a healthy sleep schedule. Sleeping by 11pm is good for you.

Yeah I wonder if I could do something like that right now honestly just to keep my mind right.

Although I kind of enjoy the challenge of being able to do it without anything so I can know for myself that even on vacations I'll be able to stay disciplined.

I can just go to meetups daily.

 

it's okay zen you'll make it through this stuff. You're gonna figure it out. Just nofap and carry on

 

Hi Friend,

Alright so I have had the same experience you're having. Decrease libido and sexual sensitivity basically is what we're observing here.

I see it as a positive. I learned to live with it. It helps me to not do pmo and I can still have good sex. In fact it's a lot easier to have sex for long periods now since the sensitivity has been lowered. It's well worth the mental health benefits I glean from the medication.

For you. I would say as long as you're still able to achieve an erection and pursue a romantic interest it's fine. It sounds like you're going to need to push yourself some more than usual to pursue a sexual/romantic partner. But that's worth it so just work for it. It's worth putting in the work to find someone imho. GLHF

You can always go back to no meds if it's causing like full on ED or removed all sexual desire from you of course. But I'd try to keep it personally as I'm so much less anxious these days and I'm only on 20mg fluoxetine <3

 

Wait guys. We're about to hit 100k views!

Everyone celebrate with me when it happens in a few days. Quietly or you can just post something on the thread if u like.

Woo!

 

Maybe just go to starbucks and do my work and can chat some with the employees that seem chill. That's all.

More than that would be from seeing the same regulars here and I dunno naturally asking and talking about whatever with them.

Not trying to force the issue socially right now. Being out here and making small talk when it's mutually warranted is plenty. For now probably forever. I think it'll be enough to facillitate some informal meetings of friends

 

I’m getting used to Thor now in smite. Haha sometimes I don’t figure out how to play a god until rank two. By then I’m slaying and it’s time to play a new god

But I’ll get Thor to rank two today. That’ll make 7/14. That’s very lovely

Ommmm swim soon. Then back to grinding for ranked smite. After Thor I can have fun. Mostly tank sin tho