My wife is so so angry...

How do you feel?
Congratulations for aiming for connection.
It can be shitty but it will pass
Are you feeling withdrawals or do you have a plan in case of seeking to relapse?

Stay strong we do this together

 

I don’t know what you have disclosed, but u shouldn’t have done that. It wasn’t the right time. Maybe she didn’t understand u. But hopefully things will get better in future with time.

 

I would avoid disclosing outside of a guided session.

This pain is part of the process of healing for both of you. Soak in this pain. This is what you don't want to create or feel again. And what you don't want your wife to feel again.

Congratulations on the 39 days sober.

 

I am yet to hear a disclosure story that would not end with a major blow to the relationship

 

It’s not the disclosure. It’s the betrayal and lies that are finally being disclosed. I have yet to hear of a betrayal that didn’t end with a major blow to the relationship. The addicts wants to avoid responsibility, accountability, and loss. Disclosure no longer allows that.

 

Yes, brother, you are right.

We cannot use disclosure as a way to feel better or lighten our load or clear our conscience. Therapists push the disclosure process because it puts an incredible strain on the marriage and that means more business for the therapist. I don't see how it is humane, correct or moral disclosing to the partner all the details of our acting out with no regard that it will destroy them emotionally and scar them forever. Responsibility and accountability is staying free from the PMO. Disclosure without long-term sobriety is the opposite of responsibility or accountability.

 

I don't know a single man that has ever been 100% loyal and 100% honest when it comes to custody of his eyes and mind. What man (or woman) confesses to his spouse every single fantasy or urge and every look of lust he's ever done during the relationship? Is that not betrayal? Yet I would not recommend any man (or woman) to reveal such disgusting thoughts or urges to his wife knowing that it's going to create another D-Day for her and set her into betrayal trauma. Because if we did, the vast majority of relationships in the world would come to an end. And the vast majority of women would end up traumatized for the rest of their lives.

 

My advice here is stay consistent, this is a hard time for you, don't diminish, cover up, or try to bend the truth to sound better. Even though I think detail mining is inevitably just more damaging, she does have a right to know about it. There may be some times where you aren't emotionally ready to talk about a certain thing, these are the really tough times, because she's feeling hurt and you are feeling shame. These points are where things can get really bad. Do your best to not let the shame get in the way of an apology. (that's easier said than done).

I think the single best thing you can do here is just constantly say your right, when she is upset and hurling insults. Admit what was done was wrong, don't say things like "I'm sorry you feel that way". Say "I'm sorry for what I've done".

In my experience the longer I am sober the better I am at handling myself in these situations. Keep your head up and shoulders back, stand tall. You are headed in the right direction, keep going.

 

No one is looking for every single fantasy or urge. It really isn’t too much to ask that your partner be honest…. Many relationships endure and thrive after betrayal, what they cannot endure is repeated betrayal and lies.
Some people can hide this forever. They don’t acknowledge it affects the relationship no matter if it remains hidden, discovered, or disclosed. Most get discovered. Discovery decreases your chance of healing the relationship. Hiding means you have limited the depth of your intimacy. That’s actually just fine for most addicts. It wasn’t for me, even before I knew of his addiction. I was unhappy long before he was discovered. He is a completely different person when he is clean.

@Warfman my husband used to say “ I’m sorry you got hurt” it wasnt until he said “ I’m sorry I hurt you” that I decided I would try and stay. I had no idea that just him taking responsibility, that I didn’t just get hurt, he was the one who did it, would completely change how I viewed him. For the first time in 17 years, I felt like he was a man and not a child. My husband is as masculine as you can get, a fit, healthy cop, who I knew would die protecting me or anyone in harms way ( and he has put his life on the line to save others) Loved and admired by all my friends and family. But he was a selfish child to me that for 17 years I meticulously planned on divorcing. Living with an active addict sucks. Never again.

 

I used to believe this. That wives would not expect perfection. I don't believe it anymore. Because from reading the stories and shares of the partners, I'm convinced that they are powerless over their emotions when they discover that their husbands checked out another woman, or when they had a fantasy involving another woman. They cannot help but be emotionally affected. So just like acting out, a single thought, or a look is a betrayal. And any betrayal, is a betrayal.

And from reading these same stories, I'm convinced that the vast majority of relationships do NOT endure and thrive after betrayal. And what's even more sad is that I notice wives very rarely coming out better after this. They usually come out worse.

I wish what you wrote was true. But the evidence points otherwise.

 

@NWRebooter ,

I cannot guarantee that your wife will come around. But I can assure that you are on a good path to healing for yourself. Keep staying connected with other men. And continue to uncover any deep lies and wounds within yourself so that eventually, you won't continue to hurt yourself and the ones you love.

 

Except they don’t expect perfection( occasionally you will get one that does but most do not) They continue to try for years. Usually, I’ve noticed at about the 2 year mark,when the partner realizes there haven’t been changes, just more lies and betrayal, is when they give up or at that point say “ no more” and of course then You better be perfect. Of course it’s not going to turn out well if you cannot get into recovery. And let’s face it, most of you will never get into long term recovery. You will have “ streaks” and pat yourself on the back for making it 30, 60 or 90 days! That isn’t even close to perfection. It’s barely getting started, in spite of how hard it is. It’s usually opposite of what you think, partners stay, endure pain, keep trying and then find a hidden laptop, again. And again. For years. Just look at how many here say “ my wife is at her last straw after years of lying and deception.” The vast majority of partners try. For a long time. But very few are going to stick by you if you keep lying and cheating forever.

 

LOVE this!! And love the SOs that teach us sick addicts so much about commitment.

Recovery is a life long process. It never ends. Neither does addiction.

 

Honestly though... can't this be about @NWRebooter? And his thoughts, feelings, struggles, emotions through this process?

I'd just as soon help and support him here.

 

Some things shouldn't be said ever. I once told my ex that I looked at another woman with lust and she got quite upset. She told me I should be careful with what I say to her. It's always a good idea to think before you speak. Think about what you're trying to achieve with your confession and don't use your SO to rid yourself of your guilt. I've heard some people say porn addicts speak far too much and they might be right.

 

Is she seeing a therapist as well? Does she have support? I’m 5 years into my husband working recovery, I still get angry. Because this is worse than if you died. If you died she could grieve, remember good times fondly. Believe she was deeply wanted and loved. With this, you grieve the loss but you honestly feel like everything was a lie- every happy moment, every “I love you, or you’re beautiful” has now become a lie. You no longer feel like you even mattered. So, the longer you lied, the harder it is. Get Worthy of Her trust, and Helping Her Heal. Both are great to go through with her! It gets easier if you are honest, but it takes a lot of work and time.

 

Yep, this is the observable fact. Some recovery wives are able to put the husband's past mistakes behind them, and they are all-stars. But most women do not have the patience to put up with a porn addict husband.

No matter what happens with your wife, YOU can recover and become a better man.

 

I hate to sound cynical, but this seems to be exactly the mindset of many therapists. Double the suffering = double the business. The less you share with your SO, the better.