My Journey to Happiness and Peace

Another thing- he has been so quiet since he got home. He has barely talked to me. He played his computer game all day yesterday (8ish hours). I asked him if he was up for some fun tonight he said his stomach was bothering him. Although all these things may add up to absolutely nothing, they are all things that would happen every day with his PMO habit. He didn't want to interact with me, he always made excuses why he didn't want to have sex, and played his games more than he didn't (when he wasn't at work). I still find myself worrying about that when he has "off" days like this. I will work on this too.

 

Thank you Hope! I will continue to journal. I feel that not only does it help me but it helps my husband when he can read this and know exactly how I'm feeling. And WOAH- 118 days? That is absolutely incredible. Bravo!

 

Possible triggers.

Today. Was. Wonderful. We woke up this morning and started to get ready to go to church and go see his family for Easter and we fooled around before we left. We went to church and met back at his family's house. We helped get dinner together and while it was cooking we snuck away (big house) to his bedroom and fooled around again. He kept saying that I was driving him crazy and had been all day. We just got home and you guessed it... The way he has been looking at me today, he never has looked at me that way. Now that he is not PMOing- he can get turned on very easily by a real woman. I know he has been doing better and better but today is the first time in our whole relationship that every time I looked at him, I could tell he wanted me. Wow what a great feeling and oh how I have missed feeling desirable and wanted.

I had a pretty low night last night but I picked myself up and actually feel great today. I don't have any of the thoughts I was having yesterday and have realized its completely normal to have bad days even if I weren't trying to heal. Now that I am trying to heal, I need to give myself time and just let it happen. Plus I hadn't slept all that well the night before but I slept like a rock last night!

I feel so loved today and am so glad I get to spend the night with this man.

 

Thank you Mazen. Good luck to you!

 

Possible triggers

Today has been a day, to say the least. Not only am I trying to heal emotionally from all this PMO stuff, I'm weaning off a medication that I have been on for years (it alters your brain chemistry), I am on a diet, and it's that time of the month. I'm sure Haggis wants to be no where near me right now. haha! Cleaned the house before I left for work and then went to work. We had pizza tonight because I'm allowed 1 cheat night a week- I figured today was a good day for that.

About my post yesterday, I forgot to mention that he requested road head on the way home. Let me just tell you, 2 months ago he was not even interested in normal (vanilla?) sex with me, now he is getting all adventurous. We did stuff again last night before we went to bed. I woke up this morning feeling his love and feeling like the most beautiful girl in the world. He made me feel wonderful yesterday and no, not just with the sex. He was so attentive and loving the whole day yesterday. He held my hand or had his arm around me the whole day/night. What a great guy.

We are officially looking for places to move to! This is getting exciting. We are sitting down tonight to get a more concrete budget so we know exactly what we can spend and where. I'm looking forward to a new start in a new place. I have already started organizing everything so the move will be easier and my label maker has come in handy! I don't know how Haggis feels about the pink labels but he hasn't said anything, lol. I mostly have all of my stuff organized except my clothes which will be an all day process as most of my clothes are now too big for me. So the next task is to start organizing the man! His will be a little more difficult as he likes to collect things but everything has a place.

I have decided to try to start taking a little time for myself too. Maybe just an hour or even less but I think it may help me relax a little. I remember years ago telling my therapist that I was stressed out all the time because I never got my to do list done. Stuff just kept adding up! She told me that a to do list is never done. I need to remember this. I need to give myself credit for the things I have done and not focus so much on what I didn't get done.

I asked Haggis tonight if he had had any problems or triggers today, he said nope- today was a good day. He has said that every day for about a month and a half. I told him that I found it very difficult to believe (and a bit concerning) that he has literally had not one urge in the past month and a half. I don't know, I don't think he would lie to me. I just think if it was this possible and relatively easy for him, why did he put me through hell all of these years? That's just me being selfish though. We have a good relationship now and I need to be thankful for that.

Pretty okay for a Monday minus all the female crap.

Stay strong everyone!

 

Thank you jbastoniv! You're doing extremely well yourself- Congratulations!

 

I don't usually post in the morning but last night made me kind of sad. I guess my lack of trust in my husband is really starting to get to him. He said he felt guilty pretty much the whole night. He tells me that he wants me to tell him how I am feeling when I am feeling it so I have been. Unfortunately it seems to be getting to him more and more. He knows that trust is not just something that appears and it is going to take time to build 9 years of mistrust. It still hurts me to see him hurt. I will move past it as these are probably just some more of the emotions that go with all this.

 

Chris- I'm glad Haggis has been an inspiration to you, he really is trying and it's paying off!

Blake- My husband probably would have told you that the sex was non-existent when he was PMOing because it was (maybe once every 2 weeks). He would never initiate sex and even when I did he would say he was too tired, he was too stressed etc. And when he wasn't making an excuse, he was experiencing PIED. It was a nightmare for a while and I even thought that he may be gay (for about 6-8 months). I was mustering up the courage to ask him if he was gay. I know that sounds horrible but he came from a very religious, strict household and I knew he could never tell them if he was so I thought I might just be a cover. He was horrified when I brought it up to him (after he started NoFap). Now that he has stopped PMOing, we have sex at least once a day but usually more. I cannot give you advise on whether or not to tell your wife because all people are different. She may not understand but she may very well understand. You know her best! Good luck- everyone on here is rooting for you!

Eleven- Thank you very much for your reply. He says the same kind of stuff to me like "take my time" and "he is here when I need him". I appreciate that so much but it really kinda makes me sad when he beats himself up so much. He has been clean for 77 days and I think he should try to let go of some of the guilt. But I am very in touch with my feelings and whenever someone is mad, upset, whatever, I feel it too. I love him and want him to be so proud of his accomplishments. Of course I don't want him to forget all of this or he is bound to repeat it. I just woke up feeling bummed this morning. Whenever I bring up some of my feelings to him he gets depressed. I'm wondering if I should just go see a therapist instead of bringing him down every time with me because clearly he is trying. I appreciate your kind words.

Jbastoniv- The PIV has always been available to him and he still chose P over me every time. I think that's why it is so hard for me to believe that he isn't having urges or triggers but I choose to trust him and love him and help him through all of this. He is worth it.

 

Woke up this morning and felt sad about how depressed talking to me last night made Haggis. But I journaled about it this morning and felt better very shortly. The support here is indescribable.

It was a relatively productive day. I haven't felt 100% today (girl issues) but I managed to clean, run a few errands, go to class and have dinner ready when he got home. I am going to prepare breakfast and take a shower and then I am thinking about painting. I have gotten everything done today that is necessary and that will give Haggis a little game time as well.

I haven't had many bad feelings today although they do occasionally pop up throughout the day. I have been good about telling myself that even if he did slip up, it would not be my fault. I blamed myself in the past (I wasn't pretty enough, I wasn't his type, I wasn't good in bed) and I refuse to keep doing that now. I need to learn to love myself again. This is something I am working on daily.

Thanks everyone for the kind support! Good luck!

 

Last thing for the night: I am doing this more to remind myself but I thought maybe some of you could relate. I write amateur poetry. Very amateur so don't judge. lol. I wrote this one within the last month when dealing with some of my emotions. Here goes:

The Gray Has Gone Away
My heart feels fuller and fuller with each passing day
It's hard to believe that our lives used to be so gray.

The passion I feel cannot be easily described
Now that you no longer desire to hide.

I know hard times are bound to come our way
But each and every time, remember I'm here to stay.

I love you more than I ever thought I could
And baby, I have to tell you, it feels oh so good!
(March 11, 2015)

 

Thank you bunnytail. I remember reading your posts a little while back, are you doing okay?