My Journey to Happiness and Peace

Okie dokie. Good day. I had an exam today and then another class. I was able to stay pretty focused in school which is a nice change from always worrying about something. Haggis has reached 70 days today! Woo hoo! I am so very proud of him.

Now- something that I would like to share. I am horribly embarrassed and ashamed of it but what the heck, might as well get it all out there. So for almost 9 years I have been with my husband (over 3 years married). After about the first year I started to feel that he was not attracted to me. This was very strange seeing as I had such high-confidence when we met. I was very outgoing, would approach anyone and be friendly, etc. Well after I found his porn, I started wondering, well if this is what he is used to looking at I must just not be cutting it. He didn't really want sex that much either and I was always initiating it. Come to think of it, he never really wanted sex as much as a guy his age should have. Soon after I found it very difficult to achieve an orgasm with him. Not because what we were doing didn't feel good but because I didn't think he was enjoying it as much with me as he would with one of the girls that he so admired looking at. Well, up until very recently, I have only been able to reach an orgasm while thinking about him PMOing or in some act with another woman. I didn't think of porn itself, nothing specific just pretty much him sitting at his computer (hand at work) or with another woman. I ask myself over and over, the one thing that makes me feel as if I am going to throw up is also the thing that I was getting off to. I am still struggling but it has gotten much better. I have just gotten to the point where I don't want to get off if that's what I have to think about. I am absolutely disgusted by this and so ashamed to be posting about it but that's what this community is for. For about 8 years I have felt so unattractive and undesirable that I made myself think that he couldn't orgasm thinking about me. And for a while, he was thinking about other things while being intimate with me. I get pleasure from seeing him get pleasure and honestly, I didn't think he was getting pleasure from me (touching, looking, anything). So I resorted to that... It is still so puzzling to me that I can think about that and get off but thinking about it literally makes me sick any other time. I don't know The upside is- this has gotten a heck of a lot better and I expect it to get better and better each day.

Okay now that that's out there, nothing else really to add except I'm proud of Haggis! He is reaching for his goal and is doing a hell of a job.

Good luck everyone!

 

So I'm feeling super uncomfortable with what I posted last night but I'm pushing through it... I have a lot to do today and don't have time to worry.

 

Thank you so much Strugglesaurus and Eleven for the replies. I understand where you are coming from Eleven insaying that I have quite possibly have a P-like addiction. Fortunately, I haven't been doing this particular thing recently (since this whole thing started.. About 70 days). I guess I felt so disconnected with Haggis that I felt that was the only way to get off. And just to clarify, I never pictured specific things. I would usually just picture him masturbating WHILE looking at P but no P would be in my mind. Wow this is confusing. That's why I wanted to start with a short post because I knew it wouldn't be very clear. I told him about it and it feels good to just have him know about it. I'm not doing this anymore not do I feel the urge at all to do it. I don't think about it all day or ever really. I do believe that this could have developed into a pretty serious problem if I let it go much longer. I do still feel the guilt though and that's my main problem now. I always hold on to guilt, I for know why I think this would be easy to let go of. I have already started getting some of my self-confidence back and he clearly finds me attractive (I can definitely tell if you catch my drift). This is not my journal for the night, but I wanted to reply to you guys since I got the chance. Thanks again so much for the insights and the support.

 

Alright, made it through school and work today. Dinner is cooked and the kitchen is cleaned up.

I still feel weird about posting about what I had done but I think I'm starting to feel a little better about it. I didn't post about it because it was an ongoing problem although re-reading my post, it sure does sound that way. I guess what I was really doing was posting about it to get over the guilt. As I said earlier today, I am great at holding on to guilt. I never give myself a break and have always been very tough on myself. Saying that, knowing what I did (for quite a while) still really bothers me. But after talking to my husband about it for a little while, he had some really good insights too.. I think I was just at a very low point in my life and didn't really give a crap about anything. Yes, I felt that way for years looking back on it. I guess I would rather see him get pleasure and degrade myself in the process rather than anything else. Sex, to me, has never been a very intimate thing to begin with (up until recently). It was more important to me to see him get pleasure than for me to be comfortable, I guess for validation. I have taken quite a few psychology courses and am pretty in touch with myself and can generally figure out why I do things the way I do. This one is taking a little longer to figure out but I'll get there.

Other than the general guilt (which I am actively working on) I think everything is going well. We have a long weekend coming up, Haggis is headed to a friends house for the afternoon Saturday and we will be with his family on Easter. Good things coming up

I continue to be impressed with him. Not only does he tell me things are going well (which for a long time I had a hard time believing) but now his actions prove it. As far as his general attitude toward life, he is so much happier. We laugh more, we touch more, we talk more. And as far as his libido, I'm seeing a side of him that I don't think I've ever seen. I finally accepted that we were going to be a couple that only had sex once every couple weeks..which is sad because I'm only in my mid twenties. Now he wants it every single night and sometimes in the morning. I'm having a hard time keeping up. haha. All in all, everything continues to improve in both of our lives. Besides for being tired from the day, I'd say we are both loving life.

 

Beginning of a 3 day weekend! That's pretty awesome. Today was very, very productive. I got everything accomplished that I needed to and Haggis even took me out to dinner for a little date. They sat us at a booth so naturally I sat down first and expected him to sit across from me but he wanted to sit next to me. The waiter even commented on how cute it was. I love him.

Tomorrow is not going to be too fun as I have a female appointment early tomorrow morning. Oh well, at least I'll get it over with early. I don't think we have a whole lot of plans tomorrow. I am preparing a casserole to take to his family's house for Easter dinner and general straightening of the house as usual. Tomorrow would probably be a great day for us to get outside. Haggis mentioned a picnic and I think maybe taking the dog for a walk on the trails (puppy loves that).

So big things continue to happen. I went to the doctor today (a doctor that I have been seeing for 10+ years) and asked her to please take me off of my medication. I was diagnosed as a YOUNG(10ish?) girl with a mood disorder. I have been on medication for almost 20 years for one thing or another but I really don't think there is anything wrong with me (other than some past trauma). My doctor agreed to taper me off of the medication. I am excited because in my entire life (that I can remember) I have been on some sort of "drug" to help some "problem" that I had- but I am tired of all of that. Why can I not just handle my issues like everyone else? I will! I would have gone off of my medication before now if I hadn't been told my whole life that I would pretty much crumble without them. No more.

I have had nothing but water to drink for 71 days (and of course I am eating ). I have lost 30 pounds in 71 days. I have become a happier, healthier version of my old self and continue to improve physically, emotionally and even spiritually. Everything continues to fall into place. I have been way too busy today to worry about anything which is great! I hardly go a day without worrying about something. This is starting to slack way off.

Thanks to everyone who replies to my journal.. It means a lot to know that there is such a good support network here.

 

Thank you 79er! Accredited Zebra: thank you as well. LTR stands for Long Term Relationship. My husband is on NoFap, his name is "Haggis". You should look him up, his journal is very open, honest and detailed about his struggles. He actually found NoFap on his own and introduced me to it. If you read his journal, it will all become very clear. As far as other ways he is getting help, I think his journal will also answer those questions for you. He has completely changed his routines in the morning (as the morning before I got up was his weakest time). Please, if you have any questions, don't hesitate to ask. I don't mind answering questions at all and nothing is too personal. Good luck!

 

Okay, my appointment is all over-thank goodness.

Eleven: I haven't had coffee or tea either. When Haggis said he was going to set a goal of 90 days no PMO, I felt like he shouldn't be alone in the process so I gave up all drinks except water for 90 days. It was very difficult at first but now it's just part of the routine! As far as the medication, I am under the supervision of my doctor and am following directions completely. I really don't think I will have an issue as I am not even on a high enough dose to treat what they had diagnosed me with. Plus, I honestly think it was a misdiagnosis. I was diagnosed as Bipolar 1 disorder when I was 10 (maybe 11). With this particular disorder, it cannot be diagnosed on children so that was a mistake right there. I was a difficult teenager and put my mom through hell (single mother. Dad died when I was 7). I think I just had a lot of defiance issues. I am a genuinely happy person-my doctor and mom like to say I'm "manic". I like to think that there is a difference I never really go through depression. As many people know "Bipolar 1 disorder" is classified as "severe episodes of mania and depression". So it never really sat well with me. I plan to go to a different doctor after the medication has been completely stopped and once I live a life without medication for a few months and see what they have to say.

 

Happy Friday everyone!

This has been a good day! I didn't sleep very well last night because I am tapering off of my sleeping pills but other than that- it's been great! A family member gave me a whole new set of dishes today so I got to organize them into the cabinet! That's super exciting. I cleaned a lot today. Haggis didn't feel super well so I just kind of kept to myself and did my own thing.

I am going to try a new recipe for miniature cheesecakes (of course I won't eat any-they don't fall into my diet right now) to send Haggis with tomorrow. It'll be a bunch of guys getting together and I figured they could use a little snack. I love to cook! It's so fun. May not be the smartest thing to try a brand new recipe out when I can't even taste it but oh well! haha.

I think we will just have a quiet night at home tonight-I love those now.

Until tomorrow!

 

We colored Easter eggs tonight! That was fun!

On a totally non-positive note though... Haggis went to a friends house today and I had some issues. I am not proud of my feelings at all but I know they are still evening themselves out. I was fine while he was gone. I went to lunch and then went shopping for some new clothes as my old ones no longer fit me . I had a great time with my friend- we are planning her wedding!! However, he told me last night that he would be leaving around 5 so we could have dinner together (I was cooking) and not only did he not leave at 5 he didn't even tell me that he didn't keep me informed so I got home and started prepping dinner and he stayed late. Really, honestly probably not that big of a deal and I'm probably blowing it out of proportion- I notice that.

Then when he got home, I asked how it was and if he had fun. He of course did. He said that there were a couple girls there and I felt my insides get hot. My stomach felt like it was in my throat. I have never really been a jealous person in any other relationships but I felt so bad when he told me that. I got very quiet. I thought great, he saw these girls that most likely turned him on and he will be thinking about them in bed with me tonight. Unfortunately, I know he used to do this. I told him 74 days ago that I will not be a hole. I am his wife. I deserve to be the only one in his mind when we are in bed just as he deserves to be the only man in mine. I got very upset and quiet for about 2 minutes and then told him what was on my mind very calmly (although I didn't feel calm inside). He said that he felt guilty about going out. I told him that until he goes out without me, I won't have to face these feelings. He could stay with me and never go out without me for 3 years and then the day he went out I would have the same feelings that I have now. They must be confronted. I feel better about talking to him and I do believe him when he said he did fine.

I learned that this is just as much about me relearning everything. Looking back, we had a very dysfunctional relationship. I would wait on him hand and foot and he would ignore me. When he ignored me, I tried even harder because I figured it was something I did to make him upset. I gained a good 40ish pounds since we have been together (already have lost 30 of those ) and I figured he was no longer attracted to me. I really tried to make him happy and completely neglected myself. Physically and emotionally. I just shoved all the feelings of loneliness, sadness and anger deep down and I am just now fully dealing with all of them. This will take some time and I have to expect bad moments as these. As I am only about 15 pounds from my high school weight, I am getting physically healthy but the emotional healthiness will probably take a little longer. It is so worth it though. And so is he.