At first I thought it was her, but have figured out its me

Hi everyone.

Here goes.

I am 47 and married to an incredible woman, we have a teenage daughter and son. 2.5 months ago she said she started seeing a therapist and not feeling very touchy and that we needed to do a weekly date night. It would include sex, but only that night, once a week. That was a sucker punch, as I was always hoping for more, had brought it up in 2019 and freq was 1 or 2x a week but up to 4 sometimes. Turns out, she was feeling used, but took 4 years to tell me

I spent the next 2 months trying to find ways to focus on her and please her and figure out what was wrong. also, seeing a therapist. All the advice was that women don't have spontaneous arousal and the man has to intitiate and warm her up. No help at all. But then I found a video by Trish Leigh that seemed to describe what my wife had told me she was feeling perfectly. I showed it to her and for the first time she was in total agreement! She felt like an object, not a partner. Ouch.

My best 'friend' had showed me some torn pages as a grade 5 or 6 kid in the 80's, and we had computers in our rooms by the time I was in college. I wasn't in extreme stuff or all the time. Some binges here and there but it's been 40 years of medicating with m,pmo. So, it turns out my compulsion to view images, and pmo had corrupted my view of sex, women, my wife and was manifesting itself in our relationship, and ultimately our bedroom!

I am disgusted at what I have let our marriage become. I am here to recover myself, it's possible I don't even know the real me yet!

 

Interesting. My wife had mentioned Sheila Gregoire. I will check it out.

 

I have learned a lot in the past week, and it is crazy how quickly my thought patterns seem to change. I do think that just being open and honest about where I am actually at, not hiding anything anymore has given me a freedom I didn't have before. I feel lighter, less burdened.

I have done a few sessions with the counselor. Been listening to podcasts and got a couple of recommended books. I grew up in an conservative evangelical christian church community, and that is not a environment that fosters a healthy sexualilty in men or women. Has set false expectations for sexuality, marriage, and in practice is very male centric , while claiming equality. This coupled with my own objectification of females in my life and on paper or screen has contributed to my mindset. Uugh! I am trying to find a new perspective, using materials recommended by women who are influencing. Sheila Wray Gregoire is a good author to start with. I got a few books to work through, mostly addressing the culture I grew up in and its fallout on men, women, sexuality and marriage.

The Sexually Healthy Man
The Great Sex Rescue
The Good Guys Guide to Great Sex
The Good Girls Guide to Great Sex

We talk about things more freely now and are normalizing conversations that are more intimate than in the past. These don't always end in conflict now like they did! We have had a regular date night once a week for 12 weeks so far. They have been awesome! At first I was so frustrated that it was only once a week, now, I am so grateful that we do have this and genuinely look forward to date nights, feeling that each one is special, and more than I deserve based on my past.

Urges are way down, with multiple days in between each one (In the past they way were 2X daily at minimum). I feel that I am more present in daily life, and my head is more clear. It is not a struggle to just hand wash the dishes on the counter each day, lol. Seems like a stupid metric but seriously. No one in our household wants to do that so its a huge accomplishment!

 

43 days no P. Have had some urges but not given in. Worked a super long day today, and did not come home wanting to blow off steam in unhealthy way. It does actually feel like my awareness is clearer. There is much I am procrastinating on, but many things I am not. Getting things done. Feel genuine love and affection for my wife. I thought I always did, but it feels a little different. Hard to explain. I'm loving hanging out, but also more ok with not being together. A bit hard to explain.

I should let you all know that I have had a very good reason to quit, run from P. My brother lost his wife and kids due to his addiction. It got very real at that point just how destructive this can be! I cannot let that happen! And yet, I still turned to it to cope over the last 4 years. Porn is evil! Monsters are real, and there is one inside each of us that we must not feed.

 

50 Days no P! I told my wife I was at 45 days sobriety. Seems like a milestone to me, but it lands a bit flat because you wish that you did not have to be in this fight! I read somewhere here that generally its 90 days to reset or rewire the pathways in an addicts brain, but at least 18 months for SO to heal from betrayal trauma. Seems a bit unfair. Our counselor seems to think MO is ok, at least for now, but I sort of think that it may be ok after a reset. I do think that I need to have tools in place before attempting that. Accountability, communities to connect with weekly, (daily)? An understanding of my triggers, a dive into my wounds I'm coping for. Books and podcasts to reorient my view of women. Workout regimen. Anything else?

Found a group called Samson and the Pirate Monks. Seems like a good fit for a person in recovery with a Christian spirituality and background. They have zoom calls every day that you can get in on to be in a supportive community and get connection. There definition of sobriety is no sex of any kind, except with SO, so its a hard line, but you are not alone in the journey. And they totally get that recovery is a bumpy road.

 

100%!!!

I so want this to be behind me that I want to drill down on it all the time to get it over with. But you are right, it gets overwhelming. I have backed off on the podcasts and youtube videos to not get overwhelmed. Life is good. Need to get some joy each day to balance the past traumas.

 

Good news, the therapist fired me! Seriously, she said that treatment has been successful due to all the effort my wife and I have put in. Said we should save our money for trips and such together. Our relationship is in such a better place now that mid August when we started this journey. Weekly date night has been a game changer, spending time together again 1 on 1. 66 days no P is also a game changer. I don't know how to put into words how much better I feel! Especially when we have to talk about issues that used to really stress me out, so I would not even bring them up. I would love more physical intimacy, but like 2x is where I think I want to land. Not going to ask for anything more though until at least the 90 day mark. and even then, she may not be ready or willing for anything more. Its a terrible thing I have done to us. But there is much to celebrate.

 

81 days! 10 days to go!

A hard day. Finding out how hard our brain works to go back! Woke up 4am feeling depressed, my wife noticed, an asked if I was ok. I asked myself the same question a couple times before replying no, I am not ok. We had done the Fanos exercise in the evening, but it actually started as a conflict. Was resolved over the course of the conversation, which is great. It feels awkward to be vulnerable. Neither of us slept after 4am, but I could feel that she cared about me, which shouldn't be a surprise, but was. Then driving around for work in the morning I had intrusive thoughts, about suicide. Never had them before. I told 4 people today, and reached out to a well known recovery group leader to see if this was normal. He said that intrusive thoughts can be a common experience in the process, and coached me that awareness was good, also to acknowledge the thoughts are occurring. I felt pretty emotional all day and there were tears that came. When I logged on tonight I was stoked to see that I am at 81days instead of the 75 I had thought I was at. I am feeling overwhelmed with a lot of things right now, some are triggers too, but will try to take it one day at a time instead of looking too far ahead.

 

Kinda overwhelmed at work yesterday, but just pivoted and roll with it. No urges to regulate. Urges are much easier to ignore now. I notice I'm feeling a little passion back in normal daily hugs and kisses! Definitely focusing mostly on her in intimate moments. Thanks for the book recommends. Lots of family time over the holidays should be good. Will try to keep it one day at a time.