My fractured but whole life ....

I'm confused. Was it a therapist just for you or did you go with your bf's?

 

Glad you made it to see your counselor. AAG... very honesty, you are responsible for yourself and no one else... Unless you have kids, a pet or maybe a plant or two. You've suffered some serious issues in your life too! And they hurt. Remember that abstaining from eating and withdrawing will not change anything other than hurt yourself.. and you don't want to do that.

It's pretty plain too that your BF has been damaged by the divorce and family issues. BTW, some 40 living at home is not a healthy situation. You can ask your BF to go.. but the decision is his. A question you may want to ask is "Is this who you want to be? Are you happy with your life and where you are going?" I assure you he'll have to think about those questions.

No matter what... you come first. I would encourage you to think of any types of food that you like and start enjoying them - Pizza? Taco Bell?. Talk to friends. Get out. Do some things that bring you pleasure. Park, Museum, a Play, Music... whatever yanks your crank... do it.

In regards to "all guys do it". He does have a valid point. A lot of men view porn. But he only has to look at what it did to his mom and dad to realize the problems it creates. PMO destroys relationships. Ask him to Google it.

Best wishes to you... stay strong, be good to yourself.

 

Every family is FUN... some more dysFUNctional than others. We all have our issues. The real trick is dealing with them and getting on with life - and looks like you're one of the people who realize that.

OK... no TBell, maybe Honey BBQ Wings or KFC nuggets? BTW we do deep dish pizza where I live. Yummies.

 

Wait... You mean there's pizza outside of the Windy City???

 

Real Italian pizza does sound good.

Please be kind to yourself. Take care of yourself by doing things that are good for you and bring you life. Your current situation does not have to dictate whether you are happy or not. That is your choice... choose happy. (9 out of 10 doctors recommend it - the 10th doctor was a Proctologist)

 

I didn't say a "a porn addict having a son with the same addiction".

I said try to imagine YOU had a son with an addiction. You would know he is suffering. You would know he doesn't mean to hurt his wife.

I also mentioned that it is highly likely that your son will watch porn at some time and it is highly likely he will have a hard time stopping. Watching porn is, unfortunately, the norm nowadays. Most guys are probably addicted and don't even know it. They probably don't even know it is an addictive substance.

 

Of course people take it personally, but it isn't directed personally at them. He would be the same if he was alone or with another woman.

Porn addicts don't choose to spend time with the computer instead of you. Addiction isn't a choice.

This is why it isn't personal, though people can take it personally.

 

CD, addicts who choose not to change ....that's a CHOICE.

ALSO, whether they INTEND to inflict pain on the people around them or not, their actions, words, indifference, and unkindness still harms the people around them. It's still pain caused by their life choices, whether they are a porn addict or a heroine addict. To truly get better, they have to take responsibility for the pain they inflict. They may not "choose to be an addict" but they certainly DO choose to involve people in their lives. Girlfriends and wives. They choose to be in relationships while they hide and lie and compartmentalize their problems.

It sounds like you're trying to blame the victim in this scenario for "taking it personally" . And that is just unacceptable.

 

Agreed CD, He would have the same problem if he was with someone else. His owns his addiction and AAG not the source of his hurt. On the other hand AAG does (did) love him and he has betrayed that trust. As long as her BF is convinced there is nothing wrong and he refuses to see how it effects AAG, he is choosing to stay with his addiction instead of addressing her needs. A relationship in this state cannot survive long term.

In all honesty, porn addicts do choose to spend their time in front of the computer. It is a choice, otherwise no one would ever be able to recover. Understood though, addicts fail to see their issues, so a choice really isn't required.

I do get what you are saying. He's addicted and it's not because of AAG. Agreed. He is dealing with hurts and sorrows in his life that he can't process. And unless he does, he will fall further and further away from who he "really is." On the other hand, he wants things to be completely fine dandy with AAG - like he's not addicted and it has no effect on their relationship. If he has to admit he's wrong, his core beliefs will have to "die" and he will lose "who he is." In other words, he'll have to admit he was wrong and with that, he'll have to face his false views. Both you and I can agree that his viewing porn distorts reality and provides him with loads of Dopamine. Honestly, he's not himself and his distorted view (every guy views porn) provides him with an excuse.

The reality is, AAG and her BF both lose. There isn't a good or bad person here. There is an addict who won't face up to what is happening. AAG is trying to help him and he won't listen - and that does hurt. This puts AAG in a no win situation. Stay in a shitty relationship or leave. On his end, he's free to view as much porn and fap as much as he wants.... but there is a price to pay.

 

Nobody can "tell him" the dangers of what he is doing - he has to realize for himself.

I still can't accept "he chooses" to sit at the computer. If that were true, then all those "Just Say No" campaigns would work for addiction (which they don't). You can't fight a complex problem with a simple solution.

The reason it isn't so simple is we are fighting against powerful forces. Our brains have been changed. Our chemical balance has changed. There are powerful triggers shoved in our faces in today's oversexualized society. We have our instincts (for which monogamy doesn't even come into the equation....that's for every human....not just addicts, and especially males, given our role in the survival of our species).

Once he gets to a certain stage in his recovery, then he will have some choice, but at the moment is is just in a loop of feeding his chemical reward system, much like a sugar addict, and he can't see that it is harmful, much like a sugar addict.

For the record, I do think watching porn is bad and I do think monogamy is the way forward for humans.

But..that said..the reason why wives are being "hurt" by their husbands spending time with computers, instead of them, is due to the pixelated women and the wife's insecurity. If he spent more time smoking cigarettes out in the garden than with his wife - it wouldn't be so hurtful. But because it has crossed over into the sexual side of things, which was supposed to be her domain, it has been made more complex.

I am just objectively evaluating this matter, rather than getting sucked into the personal side of it. When you view it from just one side, you don't see the whole thing.

He should definitely stop, but I also think she should try to see this as nothing more than any other addiction.

By the way, it is amazing the new things science is discovering. They are now saying that sugar is the "new crack cocaine" and not before long they will say that porn is too. But until that time, most people will be in the dark.

"Don't take your life personally" is the only advise I can offer. It is the only thing that will bring you comfort and happiness as you go through the trials and tribulations of our existence, otherwise you are bound to suffer at every turn.

I do mean well by what I say. And I hope you find peace.

And the people who just sympathize with you, won't actually help you.

 

Well thats a good thing? it sounds like it went well...

 

Actually to recover from any addiction a person has actually to say no to it. How they get there is by different means. The just no campaigns don't work because there is no logic behind the choice of "no." He is not being forced to look at porn, he chooses to do so because he is addicted. The only way out is to choose not to look at it.

I completely agree and neurology studies support this. We wire our brains for pleasure and those addictive circuit remain for the rest of our lives. The powerful forces are the thoughts between our ears, driven our addictions.

He cannot get to a recovery without a choice to abstain from the actions that replicate the addictions. Addictions are embedded subconsicous neuropaths and have to be consciously broken. Addictions are steeped in a rituals and falsehoods. Recoveries begin when the person admits they have lost control of themselves and they want something better.

So instead of enjoying a healthy sex life with a wife or SO, the person instead finds a pixelated woman more appealing than the real thing. In essence... I'd rather Fk my hand of an image on the screen than you. And she is supposed to accept this and not feel hurt when in fact sex was a very deep way they have expressed love to each other in the past? It's a breach of trust - a form of infidelity. Are some women insecure? probably, but that's not the only reason there is hurt. Referring to your point of complexity in addictions... relationships are very complex and just to say it is insecurity lacks a sense of a bigger picture... that is seeing both sides of the story (refer to below). In fact, if anything, I would say it is possible he is insecure. If he has to admit he was wrong about the porn, his false "identity" and skewed "reality" of sex will have die.

If it just like any other addiction then your comment "The reason it isn't so simple is we are (he is) fighting against powerful forces. Our brains have been changed. Our chemical balance has changed. There are powerful triggers shoved in our faces in today's oversexualized society."

Seems like a contradiction if it's like any other addiction but it is being driven by powerful forces. You do know what you're talking about and this really is an addiction that is equivalent to heroin. I'd suggest reading "The Brain that Rewires Itself" by Norman Doidge - awesome book.

Sorry, but I have to sympathize with her. She's been hurt by his actions and lack of response to her requests to clean up his act. She's trying to save him from even more damage than he's endured. Her choice, stay and endure a shitty relationship or leave.

Sorry, but I have to sympathize with him. His sick and addicted to dopamine dumps that come from hours of porn viewing and edging. He's missing out on his life and a gf who loves him. His choice, keep believing his lies and lose a gf or choose to change his core beliefs, clean up and get his life.

Both sides of the story

Best wishes,
Cheers, HF

 

Just read your journal - I hope you are finding some things to eat and some peace in the little things during your day!
Rooting for you!