A New Life

To start, I will post about day 2. (Today will be day 3)

I had a final yesterday. I was confident I could get ready for it in 2 hours, but I never bothered to do it. I finally woke and went to the school library early this morning and studied until the start of the exam. I ended up doing well, so it's not that bad. I'll likely get a high B or even an A.

But what has baffled me, is how similar this experience was with pmo. I've seen PMO defined as a story birthed from unresolved pain. And if that's true then, the insidious nature of such an addiction is its ability to convince me that both it and I want the same thing. Desiring a woman starts to mean masturbating to her. But does desiring a woman or a porn star justification enough for pmo? My story/sub-personality seems to believe so.

It has dawned on me that there are times when two conflicting choices present themselves: pmo or not pmo, study or watch this tv show... At times both options seem desirable, so what you "want" truly becomes murky and unclear. This has led me to acknowledge that one has to develop a core system of beliefs to weather times of doubt. I am not sure how I am going to do this exactly but it is something I will be thinking about in the upcoming days or weeks.

I was on a streak before I relapsed two days ago. And today, I have a classmate whom I have been hanging out with from time to time. But when I saw her yesterday, I was surprised at how attractive she was. So I am wondering whether it was because winter season has ended-less coats, and more skin- or it is because my libido has been recovering, or maybe both.

However she also has a boyfriend. And the fact that I've been feeling horny today, has part of me considering trying to have sex with her. I am mature enough to not go down that road, so I have not contacted her.

This is exemplifying what I had mentioned earlier. Is being attracted to someone reason enough to pmo? While I have struggled with that question, had I asked myself 'is being attracted to someone reason enough to attempt to jeopardize her relationship?', the answer would be a loud and resounding NO. Though I would not equate pmo and actual sex, I believe it pertinent to ask whether sexual desires should be enough to compromise on my no pmo streak? Ultimately, isn't that the question at the core of every addiction? In other words, I have to re-think my approach to my own sexual desires if I am to leave a healthy life.

 

Day 3.

I've a lot of sexual energy from yesterday, but it has mostly dissipated. Today was uneventful, outside of a having sore throat. I am not sure why I have it but it is what it is. I believe that it is especially important that I don't stop my workout routine, or if I do, to get back to it as soon as I recover. I can't let extraneous circumstances grind me to a full stop. That would be the worse case scenario. I even had plans to go to the school library tomorrow to study but I am not so sure now.

I am also reading a book "Breaking the cycle by George Collins", and it has introduced me to the concept of euphoric recall. Euphoric recall is basically recalling past "euphoric experiences" or maybe daydreaming about future ones. In the past for example, I've had instances where I would be reminded of a porn star and how much I enjoyed pmoing to her videos. But the thing about euphoric recall is, that it only serves to remind you of the good times and not the bad. So I would remember enjoying pmo but not the anger, the anxiety, the depression and the hopelessness that it engenders. This is definitely key element that has kept me entrapped in the destructive cycle of pornography.

I've also come to realize that prior to pornography being available to me, I used to masturbate to pictures of hot women/model/celebrities, sex scenes from movies and fantasies about women in my life that I found attractive. I am still unsure how this all started, but it seems that at some point, I learned to equate sexual energy/being horny, with masturbation, and eventually pmo. I must have been relying on euphoric recall all those years ago until recently. I must learn to face this part of myself, and start to chip away at the power that it has maintained over my life. It will not be easy, but it is a major step in the journey to recovery.

 

Day 4.

I didn't spend my day productively, so I've been feeling like shit. I am taking summer classes in a about a weeks time, but on my spare time, I'd like to focus on a specific skill. I am thinking of python or learning how to hack, as both are relevant in some way.

Not much happened today outside of trying to mitigate how bad my sore throat could get.

 

Day 5. Relapse

I stayed up early into the night, and I ended up relapsing. Today was productive day however, so I don't feel as terrible as I usually do when I start binge watching a tv show/anime to numb the guilt and other negatives emotions resulting from a relapse.

I am starting to enjoy working out a lot more. I have to live like an ascetic most of the times since I don't have a lot more money, so I've been exercising from home. I read homemade muscle, and I like its message. So right now, I am working out 3 days a week. About 2 years ago, I used to do 10+ pull ups, but now I can barely do 2. That is how weak and out of shape I currently am. But going from 1 to 2 pulls up, though a small dream, has been a great motivator for me as of late. That book has taught about progression, and this concept has made all the difference. It's only been a week and half since I started but I've started to notice that working out is becoming a more productive way for me to channel my angst. It is also teaching me about patience, which I have always lacked. I no longer view getting back into shape as something to be done in a week, but as something that is achieved with time and persistence. Besides, it is a lot easier to focus on developing strength (How many reps I can do now, compared to last week), than to focus on how different you look now compared to last week.

I've also started meditating yesterday. In my teens, I used to meditate every day... So this is also a habit that I have lost over the years. And I am looking towards introducing new habits over time. My reading, for example, has been inconsistent.

I have also been thinking a lot about the concept of "who I am vs. the story of who I am".

pmo is story that I have internalized about myself at some point. While I recall past events that I had previously forgotten (like the fact that I used to masturbate to pictures, sex scenes from movies, and to attractive women that I knew), I am still unclear about the emotions surrounding them. I was very repressed emotionally as a child, and I am under the impression that this is making things more difficult to recall how I felt at the time. I will keep thinking about that.

I have called the sub-personality that believes in my pmo story "Sirenuse". It is the french name for the island "Gallos" of the coast of Italy. It is the rumored island where mermaids would trick sailors to crash into. I believe this mirrors my life. I am sailor trying to thread a path, while there are mermaids (pmo) trying to deviate me from my destination. In the book Odyssey-Greek mythology-, Odysseus overcomes the mermaids on his journey back home. I'd like to do the same. If you are curious about it, that is why my name on this site is Odysseus01.

 

You are right. I have nothing else to say.

 

Day 1.

I was surprised by the influx of comments. Deciding to post here was a great decision since I can get people to call on my BS. Thank you. Now there are two things that I realize I must do differently going forward.

The first thing is that I must learn more about the journey. Having read various posts from people who are more successful than I am, it became evident that they fully understood what the journey entails-at least better than I do. While I am familiar with the concepts such as flatlining... I realized that they were not part of my thinking process on this journey, or at least not as much as they should be. So I have decided to follow blog post from individuals who are more successful than I am, and I've also signed up to get the "Getting started with NoFap" ebook but I have yet to receive it... So first, I need to familiarize myself more with the journey and plan accordingly.

Second. On this journey, I am Odysseus, but I was enticed by the sirens. Somewhere along the way, I stopped thinking-or maybe blocked all thinking- and eventually relapsed. And maybe this is the escape and temporary relief that pmo provides, at the cost of long term damages. I was stressing about an exam I had, and I relied on pmo to deal with that anxiety. Or rather part of me did-my pro-porn story, Sirenuse. To face that, I started meditating to change my relationship with my thoughts(to go from being them, to just observing them), and to practice talking to Sirenuse (my pro-porn sub-personality) from a counselor's perspective. I have been writing our conversations down on my phone and journal, but if you guys are interested, I can post them on here along with the summary of my day. I am also using the pmo tracker now.

That aside, today was fairly straight forward. I slept for most of it... I think it was probably the combination of not getting enough sleep and relapsing yesterday. I spoke to my brother for almost 3 hours; I had no idea were talking for so long. And I read the book on porn recovery that I had mentioned in a prior post ("Breaking the cycle"). Also, before I went to sleep, I felt lonely. But instead of being restless and letting it guide me towards some site-hookup or pornographic-, I accepted how I felt. I was aware of how I felt, and I think that made all the difference. At the very least, it re-affirmed to me that feeling lonely is not inherently a bad a thing. It is just a reminder to go out more and socialize more, and to find productive activities that consume me.

So in my spare time, I decided that I will learn python and complete programming projects. And maybe actually go out and watch a movie every now and then, instead of always waiting for its HD version on my favorite site.

 

Day 5.

I feel lighter on my feet, and like my balance has improved.

I've been thinking about euphoric recall, and it has come to my attention that it is broader than just porn. Fantasizing about real women can also be a form a euphoric recall. This is fairly obvious now, but I had not considered this outside of the scope of pmo until recently. And since I've been able to identify it when it arises, it has made it easier for me to avoid pmo.

For example, I was looking for book and music torrents, and one of the search results was a porn star a once watched video of over the last 5 months. I haven't checked but since I've had this habit for so long, and found out about her relatively recently, I think she must be fairly new to the industry. I especially remember her because I had tried to find more videos of her to no avail (which further supports my assumption). Her name was enough to make me recall how hot I'd found that video of hers.

Another example in the last few days would be how I recalled the video that I last watched when I relapsed recently. Those two were instances of euphoric recall. Had I not identified them as such, I might have relapse again. It is no wonder that relapsing seems to increase your chances of binging, because that the experience is fairly recent, thus the euphoric recall is stronger. Knowing and understanding the concept of euphoric recall has allowed a level of objectivity in times I have historically had none.

I have managed to take some power of away from pmo. Now my goal is to consolidate this approach, and add additional methods over time to progressively gain back the power I had once unknowingly giving away.

I've also been consistent in my workouts. This is my 3 week and I am super proud of that. And I've also only missed a day meditating since I've started. If I can keep this consistency in facing euphoric recalls and rebuilding my life, then I can truly change things.

 

Day 2.

I am starting over. I relapsed this morning. I had some euphoric recall thinking about this particular porn star, then I caved. I am starting over again. I've failed a few times since last week. I got super sick a few weeks ago, and I have yet to start working out again. I've bought a dip bar, since I'd like to add it to my current workout regimen.

So yea I am starting over again. I'll try to post every day. I think I owe to myself to reflect more on my failures and success to hopefully end the cycle of failing and trying.

Also, I've been having issues with focusing on hard things like a math assignment for example. I need to make it a habit to at least attempt to do it every day.

Aside from that, I've recently decided to write a novel. It is still in its early stages, and I am also learning about the intricacies of the work involved such as how to make the characters believable, how to best start it... My goal is to have a book published by december of this year.