Almost wish I didnt do NOFAP - Cant recover

long time reader, first time poster. This will be an extremely long post and I will try to break it up best as I can. But first the specifics - It has been about 20 months and I never recovered from NOFAP and now I have constant ED and little libido. I also want to start off by saying since it has been so long of a journey and many different things have happened, I cant remember every detail/date/time precisely. I am 28 YO, and probably been looking at porn since early/mid high school. A lot of times I would take sessions to 20 even 30+ mins just to extend the "high" of all the different scenes. Sometimes twice a day, sometimes once every few days, but on average probably 5 times a week. Didn't lose virginity until freshmen year of college so started off with porn. Seldom used lubricant, and definitely had some strong grips, although I wouldn't say death grip.

Officially started early January of 2016 and had lots of the usual stages that I read about on here. First few months it was extremely hard to resist the urge of porn and MO, and I think I had 2 relapses, only knowing that the first one was very early on and the last time I did it I remember exactly - 4th of July weekend, so about 6-7 months in. But before then, I remember the first few weeks I felt like I had super powers and was honestly the horniest I have ever been. I couldn't stop thinking about sex and was getting the strongest erections I could possibly get all the time - morning - day and night. It was literally insane

I started this journey when I randomly stumbled upon this site and saw many people post about the same things I was feeling - foggy mind, somewhat lower energy, acceptable but not 100% strong erections every time having sex, social anxiety etc. Also was right after coming off a 5 year relationship with a smoking hot ass girl (no this breakup is not the cause of my issue) and realized I had a problem and decided to join the NOFAP challenge. My SO probably gave better head than any porn star ever did, she could freaking suck the bark off a tree and she was pretty sexual and very good looking. However, she could barely get me off giving head and it would take forever - it felt good it just couldn't push me over due to the desensitizing I had from all the M. I also noticed that many times (not always) I was only at about 85-90ish percent erection but no problem at all getting it in and doing my thing. Also I very seldomly ever had DE, unless I had just gone right before. I also struggled to stay hard with her on top or when in missionary and she would control - she liked to just have me go all the way in, stay there and just rub my pubic bone on her clit (sorry for all the detail), but with little stimulation, I would go soft sometimes. (Important to remember its not always, sometimes my guy performed amazingly for no reason at all). I never had any problem getting a quick erection either by touching or just fantasizing. So to sum my performance up - it was fine but definitely could have been better and thats why I did this.

During the super power phase and about 2 months in, my ex that I talked about above came over and gave me head. I was super hard and it didn't take her long to get me off - I remember the feeling of it and then thinking that my sensitivity issue had improved dramatically, but still probably not 100% fixed. was awesome. Then that was time I saw her. Then I finally hit the dreaded flatline at about 3 months in (remember I cant recall exact dates). I was so depressed I would literally come home from work and just lay in bed and not want to do anything, also there was nothing alive below the belt. This super depressed phase didn't last that long if I recall, maybe a few weeks? Then I started gradually feeling better in the mind and energy department, but never was able to regain my libido or ability to get an easy instant erection. I then joined Tinder and talked to a girl for a while that eventually came over and started staying the night. After a few times over, we finally had sex and it was kind of a disaster. I had NEVER used a condom before since both my previous relationships were long term, however on Tinder I was scared so I did. I remember struggling to get a good erection during foreplay (yes she was definitely physically attractive) but when I finally did I some how got the condom on and got in before going completely soft. I would say I never passed 80% EQ but was able to perform for a good 5 minutes. I was then worried to have her over again even though I wanted to because I was still in the flatline phase I think in terms of EQ. She came over numerous times after over the following month or so and each time it was the same thing, I could barely get hard to get the condom on and get in but eventually did (SO EMBARRASSING) and once again had 80ish percent EQ. Finally quit seeing her and blamed everything on the flatline. Now here I am a year later and still experiencing the EXACT same thing - will get into the detail later but let me continue on timeline.

About a month after quitting seeing her and going hardmode during that time, I met another girl out and about. It was actually amazing, I met her at some event outside and remember approaching her, hitting it off and then asking for her contact info which she gave me - I had never done that before and it was awesome. Another very attractive and super sexual girl. She started coming over and the first night she was on her period and we just did the makeout session with her shirt off sitting on my lap and me grabbing all over her. I remember that I was definitely hard enough for penetration but could still feel it wasnt my true potential. Then the next time she came over we went up to have sex and I literally couldnt get hard at all. nothing worse than a girl then saying "wow whats wrong with me do you not like the way I look". Long story short I got barely hard enough to get in where I basically went soft but O'd in about 10 seconds due to about a month+ of build up. We then continued to see each other for about 2+ months where we had sex maybe 10-15 times total. This was where I started to worry beforehand (performance anxiety) and I still had issues, but each and each time we kept having sex I noticed that the erections started coming easier and I was performing fine (still not 100% EQ but still not bad either. I was like hey, awesome, I am "rewiring." Then one day she randomly said " I think we need to quit seeing each other, we have completely different views and at different points in life." It wast due to the sex because it had been going fine at that point for the most part.

This is when I relapsed, as we quit hanging out at the end of June and I relapsed 4th of July weekend. That relapse made me so mad at myself and even more determined, so from then until the beginning of September, almost 2 months, I went complete hard mode until I did another tinder hook up. Didnt notice much of a difference except my porn urges were pretty much non existent. Was still feeling good emotionally but still lack of libido and erections. New girl from tinder came over and I couldnt get hard with foreplay, until she gave me head. I got super hard and then penetrated before O'ing super quick due to the 2 + month build up. She was definitely mad and then I went another month hard mode or so until she randomly asked to come over again (we hadn't been talking during this time, was solely a one night stand). She came over and same exact thing, couldn't get hard, gave me head and I got hard, then this time I went soft inside her before just giving up and O'ing (I can still O when not fully erect). Went on hardmode again until Mid October or so although during this time I started experiencing new things - 2 nights in one week I had wet dreams and woke up with my boxers, well.... covered and sticky all over. Happened again about a month later. I should also say that during this whole time, I was having some semen come out after peeing each time.

I think all my experiences with girls during the flatline had shaken my confidence and given me sexual performance anxiety. After being fed up, used one of those doctor on demand apps and got a prescription for the "weekend drug". Thought it would help push me through. Ended up texting the girl that I met at the event as mentioned above, and eventually talked her into wanting to "hangout" again. I took the pill, gave it couple hours, got in the shower to test out and boy when I eventually got hard, it was definitely working. So confidence in hand, I went over there and we were on her bed making out and I was fingering her for 5 minutes and ABSOLUTELY NOTHING downstairs. I mean nothing. Was most dejected feeling ever, left and never saw her again.

Fast forward to now, and there have been 2 additional girls where all of the above applied. One of the girls I ended up seeing for a month and lots of foreplay but only 3 times for sex (she took quite a few times before she would give up the whole cake) Some of the times I would get 80ish% hard from foreplay and others not so much at all. Eventually got super hard one time then went to go in and went soft immediately. Only once did it work with her and thats when I took one of my pills and manually stimulated and was able to get in when I then just went to absolute town on her. I had taken the pills each time I thought I would need and it defintely wasnt the magic pill i expected. I quickly realized that it only helps EQ, not actually getting you one.

Due to this post getting long I just want to wrap up quickly. I have been randomly masturbating in the shower the past 6 months or so, I would say about once a week sometimes twice a week and sometimes once every 2 weeks. I dont have any chaser effect or foggy feeling after doing it now. Here are my main issues.

1. During this whole journey and even now 20 months in and 13 months from last relapse - I still struggle to get an erection even on my own when masturbating alone. It takes a long time and even when it does happen as soon as I stop the manual stimulation it fades fast.

2. Even in masturbation right now, only sometimes does it get fully hard. Other times its soft hard if that makes sense.

3. I cant get an erection without manual stimulation. My mind and foreplay can get it to about 60% but thats it, after that I have to manually stimulate or get head to get it the rest of the way.

4. Talking to a girl now I really like and only had sex a few times, same exact issues above. The whole whats wrong with me shame from the girl but after getting 50% there from foreplay, she gave me head and I got hard and we had amazing sex at full EQ.

5.Most recent attempts with her 2 weeks ago failed again and now its all I can think about. It has been consuming me to the point where when she comes over to stay I dont even attempt to have sex and I get extremely anxious. Just the other morning, where I am most active, through manual stimulation while she was half asleep, I got myself BARELY hard enough to penetrate and once I got in even being in I couldn't get hard. I was just in her at about 50% and tried and tried for a minute and it just wouldn't work so again I just O'ed and felt bad.

I still get semi morning erections a couple times a week, I am healthy, lift weights and play basketball on and off this whole time, easily gain muscle or weight when I want to and also lose it when I want, so definitely dont think its testosterone as I am pretty solidly built. During the whole phase I have been happy with life, great job, great family and friends, have fun, not depressed or anything.

Have an appointment with Urologist in two weeks but I am at my wits end, someone PLEASE HELP ME.

Also just wanted to say that twice this past week, just for a test, I got on my computer and pulled up one of my favorite porn scenes and although I felt bad I just had to test it, and guess what... same exact things as masturbating - can only get it up with stimulation and then it only gets to about 80% EQ, goes away quick if I stop. I can still easily O if I want. Did this twice on different days. Back in the day this scene alone would have me super hard after 2 seconds with 0 physical stimulation required.

I have not had porn urges for as long as I can remember now. It never even crosses my mind to be honest. I also dont do drugs and rarely ever drink. I feel like I will never have a sex life again