I Keep Coming Back to This Same Conclusion

Time and time again, I keep coming back to the conclusion that I need to move out of state and leave my family and friends for good, basically starting all over again. I have been coming to this same conclusion for quite some time now, at least half a year. Keep in mind that I have mentally improved beyond imagination during my nofap streak, but I keep coming back to this.

I stopped abusing marijuana, alcohol and other drugs. I only smoke cannabis once or twice a week, as I think it's most enjoyable when used in moderation. During this time, I've kicked my procrastination habit and actually started making money with my self-employed writing job. I have also quit smoking cigarettes as well, which was one of the hardest things for me to do. Why do I want to leave everything behind you ask?

Oh God, where do I start? Let's face it, I've been seriously addicted for all of my adult and teen life, almost the past decade basically. I'm 22 years old now. As you can imagine, I haven't gotten shit accomplished during my life. I only had sex one time and that was with an escort. To make matters worse, I've never been in a relationship whatsoever. Most girls would definitely find this a turn off and a red flag, which I can't really blame them. I'm definitely not trying to find a "needle-in-a-haystack" girl that would accept my past history, so fuck that. Unfortunately, my family, as well as friends, know too much about me, way too fucking much. Therefore, making up small white lies about my past would come around and bite me back in the ass if my family ever told my "future SO."

The only practical way I see out of this is to forget about them entirely and start a new life completely in another state. I know for SURE that I would succeed completely on my own. The hard part is practically disowning my family all together. I keep coming back to this conclusion, no matter what mindset or spiritual improvement I'm at. Please help me. I am lost and don't want to have to do this, but it seems the only way to me. This really fucking sucks, but I guess it serves me right for all that addiction and procrastination. This is pretty much my last inner demon to deal with, but boy is it a catch 22. Fuck me.

 

I left once... it didn't turn out well. You can't run from your past, the only way to deal with it is to face it.

For what it's worth, I didn't have much luck with girls either. I met the woman who would eventually become my wife in my mid-20's.

 

The time it would take would probably be 1000 years, and God knows I ain't living anywhere near that long. lol

 

And, trust me, after years of my past, I KNOW how to lie while making it seem like truth, trust me. I can berry secrets for decades. Hell, I can bury secrets til my grave, shove them very deep down inside and forget about them.

 

Nice streak by the way. Keep up the good work. Man, I only go four hours a sleep. Being awake during dawn brings back strong memories of being out of my mind on lsd.

 

I've had a quick glimpse of re-inventing myself a few years back, and I cannot deny, it was the best year of my life. I was actually hanging out with multiple girls. The proof is in the pudding.

 

Right now all I'm thinking about is my heart pain. And yes, I know it's heart pain because I'e been checked for it already. Dropping dead at 50 some years old is common on both sides of my family. Don't every get a heart attack, they suck. lol Minus well laugh about it

 

My heart issue is one of the reasons I feel I'm on borrowed time. Trying to make the most of my borrowed time you know?

 

I'm just speaking out loud here. When I do take my last breath, whether it's from my heart condition or some other cause, that day will be much like an inmate in prison for 20 years leaving to be set free. It'll be "peace out homie" then. : )

 

I know that sounds silly but when you have a heart condition and are in the middle of the pain, death becomes a very REAL reality. It really sinks in.