From a SO

I know this will be hard to hear but it has nothing to do if you are good enough. I assume your bf or husband watches p excessively and could be addicted. He would rather masturbate than have sex. He would isolate himself physically and emotionally. That is what addition does to you. The overflow of neurotransmitters, like dopamine and serotonin, when someone watches p gets wider and wider, making the need for more very intense.
The actors and actresses in p make this fantasy world. They make it seem anyone in the "real world" not enough. He doesnt need to try to make a emotional connection to p. He doesn't need to talk to p. He doesn't need to take it on dates and spend quality time with p. He just pushes the on button and types in whatever he wants. How can anyone human compete with that? It's not easy to hear but you can't.
I know what you're going through. I've been where he's been. My gf of 9 years has been what you've been. I've been clean for almost 2 years and she still at times feels like she's not enough. We love each other and together are trying to get rid of this addition. Idk if you two are still together or what your history is like but if you two are willing to work things out, it has to be from a logical perspective. Learn about addiction and his own history of p. And the most important thing is to work on yourself and how you feel about yourself. I hope this was helpful. Good luck to you.

 

You know better than this, sweetie. You're just having a down day. It's okay. But take a deep breath, step back, and look at the situation. You'll never be good enough for addiction. Addiction is never satisfied ... and that has nothing to do with you.

Exchange numbers with some of the women here you've been communicating with, so you can call them up on days like these and hear a voice on the other end who understands how you're feeling.

You're good enough, just as you are, right now.

 

It's true. It's not about you at all. My addiction started long before I had a girlfriend and it continue no matter what. It didn't matter how attracted I was to someone or how good the sex was. My addiction continued no matter what.

If you haven't already, read about porn addiction, dopamine, and the reasons why men get addicted.

 

Sometimes you are not good enough. That's that. Finding reasons is soothing, but accepting the facts is empowering! Not all men (or women) are created equal, its nobody's fault. There are 7 billions of us in existence right now and many of us are not good enough for just as many. Its all right, you don't have to be.

 

As everyone echoed here I will say the same it's not about you. It has nothing to do with your looks, your body, your hair, your ability in bed, your personality. One addict said to me on here early on if that porn star walked into the room with your partner right now or the hottest most beautiful woman in the world did your partner would STILL be using porn and have the same issues. For me that was my turning point. It's hard because society has raised us that women are valued by their beauty so if our partner does not find us attractive then it really hurts. But most addicts including mine will say they absolutely find their SA attractive. If it helps to even see it further my SO was PMOing and unable to O with me from day one. So clearly he found me attractive as we had just started dating, clearly he was interested and at that early of a point should not have been bored but it did not matter he still did it. It was and is an addiction that has nothing to do with your attractiveness. Now many addicts still struggling with their addictions will justify their actions by saying that their wives have let themselves go or something of that nature don't fall for that. I retort with you expect me to look like X well then why don't you look like Y? Would you be okay if I did what you are doing to me? All women and really all partners want to feel like their partner thinks they are the most beautiful in their eyes and beauty has little to do with looks. Looks are superficial beauty is not.

 

I'm sure it's difficult. Porn addiction definitely has caused intimacy problems in my relationships. It helps me to remember my SO in all of this. Wish you the best. Hope your partner is getting some help.

 

You are more than enough!

Theres a movie about porn addiction: Chasing the cardboard butterfly (go check it out btw, it´s really good).
Anyway, one quote made me cry:
The SO may ask: How could you choose xyz over your family, kids, relationship?
While the addict says: What choice?

This is so true. Nobody in his right mind would choose porn over their partner. But sometimes the addiction is so strong, we don´t have a choice. And by the time we realize this, it´s already too late.

There is nothing wrong with you. Don´t let your self esteem be taken away by this. You will need it, if you want to help him through it.

 

Do you want to help him? Serious question.

 

If you say no given his previous behavior again that's up to you but you have no obligation to help him given past behavior.

 

There are some posts in this thread that point outaspects of porn that are appealing or lead to their use. One thing I wantto emphasise is that you should not try to emulate porn in order to compete with it. Your partner is the one who needs to wake up and smell the proverbial. He is the one who needs to see that P, despite being 'easy' and offerering a quick thrill, is ultimately damaging. I have said before that I think the main reason for escalation in P habits is that it is missing something fundamental. Something that you, as a SO, have to offer. That is love and human, emotional, connection. P is the inadequate competitor for your partner's attention, but it is also addictive in nature. You will not poison your partner's mind or cause him to feel guilt, loneliness and self-hatred. P will. Your partner is stuck in a pattern of self-destructive behaviour and you have not left. You are there to support him. You beat P every time.

Good luck in your journey to recovery together (or as has been mentioned above, you always have the choice to leave. If your partner cannot see how much better than P you are, someone else will).

Do not blame yourself.

 

Agree and you will never be able to compete with the variety that porn offers! You can't be 100 different women. Your man could be dating Hedi Klum and it still would not matter. Many people including my partner who become PA have emotional intimacy issues to begin with that's why they turn to PMO and all others it does is make things worse by further portraying an image of sex and love being two different things and women being solely for the mans pleasure. Now SO of Pmo addicts describe sex where their partner refuses to look them in the eye or look at them at all. They don't touch them. In my relationship early on the only way my partner could O was to shut his eyes and MO and if I spoke or moved or tried to touch him he would snap at me and not be able to O. I could have got up and left the room and he would not know. So the intimacy that is what a partner offers is the it most feared aspect of many PA. In my case my partner stopped the pmo but still can't get to the intimacy part and sadly the is what is going to be the likely cause of me ending the relationship.

 

That is really sad to hear. For me sex is the pinnacle of intimacy. And while sex without intimacy is still good, there is always something missing.
From what you describe, I get the impression that your SO just has sex with you as a replacement for PMO.