Hey NoFap, Here's my story thus far: I've been addicted to porn for the longest time. I probably started with soft-core porn when I was like 11, and gradually, became more and more immersed. When I was 15-16 I think it truly became a bigger problem for me, and all through High School and College this problem steadily got worse and worse. I think I'm just really really into sex (the concept of it, as I had/have no experience), for like as long as I can remember. And the big issue was that I was raised in a sensationally religious and insulated community where the genders are very separated and masturbation is highly frowned upon. I attended an all male high school and college, where we were barred from any interaction with girls. This certainly made the problem a lot worse... Long story short, I found myself thoroughly addicted to porn and masturbation. It was not easy to hide this from my ultra strict school, dorm roommates (these were all boarding schools), and family. This ate up so much of my time, consumed so much of my energy, and kept me up so late that I was in trouble constantly with the school system due to lateness and absence. Also the guilt -- Jesus. the guilt ate me up inside... Now as many stories go, the soft-core porn turned to hardcore porn, turned to various lighter fetishes which eventually led to the darker much more extreme type of fetishes that I never dreamed I'd entertain. This was supremely frightening at first, and I kinda was in denial, but slowly I inched further and further in to this mass of weird fetishes that consumed me with extra guilt, but pushed me to do weird and drastic shit I never dreamed I'd do like posting on Craigslist for partners for these fetishes (compromising my privacy and safety, risking exposure and far worse..) and leading to a small number of stories which all went horribly wrong (I was lucky enough to meet decent people who weren't serial killers, yet moving from fantasy to reality is sobering and unpleasant). I even spent much time fantasizing and planning and even pursuing escorts and the sort to meet these fetishes (so obviously dangerous and stupid, also leading to some unpleasant situations.) Now I don't know how much of this was because of my weird circumstance of still being a virgin in my early twenties, kinda trapped in a religious world where I'm segregated from girls and there's no sex before marriage. Yet these things I did were so drastic and stupid I can't blame them on a rational me dealing with a weird circumstance. No. this was (is) me addicted and entrenched in a severe porn problem. Anyways, fast forward to the here and now, I'm in my early twenties and working part time, while trying to find a full time job. I've been able to be fairly productive with my life and am working on pursuing a career, but constantly find myself wasting time and falling back to my porn addiction. I've reached a stage where this addiction is more or less part of the rhythm of my life. I still entertain and fantasize about these weird fetishes yet the guilt is mostly gone. And I just have a steady schedule of watching porn and masturbating for like a couple hours a night, and sometimes for periods during the day. But I am certain this is crippling my productivity, and keeping me in this rut of almost able to get a full time job in my dream career, but not quite there yet because I can't get off my ass and make shit happen. and I am certain this is in no small part due to this fucking addiction. It cripples me, it holds me back, it reduces my energy, my passion, ambition. Now, aside from this porn problem, I've always been shy and timid, and a bit consumed with social anxiety. I'm kinda anti-social, a bad conversationist, and not a real party guy. All my hobbies are indoor loner hobbies, and I don't have really any friends that I'm in touch with constantly and hanging out with etc. I also waste shitloads of time on Youtube, and whatever else, and can't seem to discipline myself to follow a schedule, be motivated and work hard consistently. So truth be told (And this is something I was really curious to hear people thoughts on), I'm a tad skeptical that just working on this addiction and rebooting is going to make all my issues suddenly go away, and introduce all the superpowers I've been seeing people claim they obtained after a reboot -- yet I am hopeful that a reboot, along with a new attitude and extreme desire to change, will improve my life, and put me on track to success, slowly but surely! So here goes! I already got started on this reboot journey two days ago, and technically have already gone one full day, without any PMO. So here's to hoping -- a new attitude, a new life, hard work, a great community and resource here -- hopefully this will bring on the new me...
Much of this sounds all-too-familiar in my own story and others I have read here. I, unlike you, was never in a strict environment where I had no access to girls. Because of my addiction, social anxiety, and other issues, access to girls did not matter. I think most people in a "normal" life have plenty of access . A Myraid of factors and problems renders that irrelevant and pushes us down the path of PMO. Many thanks for a very honest opening entry, and your willingness to share with us here. I hope this is the first step in the healing process.
I suspected as you mention, that my issues are not unique and cannot be blamed on my own set of circumstances. I've gotta own up and try to make positive change. Thanks so much for the feedback and kind words!
Welcome to NoFap where you are amongst friends who are here to encourage you and sometimes challenge you but not judge you. The enemy is here to steal, kill and destroy. What are your current strategies for combating the enemy called PMO?
Thanks for the welcome! I don't really have a strategy as of yet which does worry me... I plan on using this excellent resource to hopefully keep me motivated and on track. I plan on working to avoid triggers like really sexy youtube vids, or pictures on social media and the like. I also hope to be more productive and less idle, hopefully replacing the hours I'd spend on porn with more constructive pursuits. I also started some working out today, and hopefully exercising will help vent the extra testosterone. I see you're 500+ days without PMO - damn! Do you have any seasoned tips for a newbie like me?
