Hi there

Hello everyone,

It's hard to start but here i go...

Well, I am 25 y.o male from Europe and I am struggling with masturbation addiction. I've been struggling with that since a long time and I've been addicted since even longer.

I started masturbating when I was maybe 12 and it's been going on ever since, escalating to the point where I found out that for me it is no more a physiological thing but an addiction, an activity that I can't stop and that's harmful to me, that even though I understood the consequences thereof I still could not prevent myself from doing. The definition of addiction.

And so it went, I was completely aware of what I was doing but because of problems, stress, difficulties in my life or relationships I continued to spend every single free moment masturbating and watching to porn/pornografic blogs/photos ect. And it's still going on. I still find myself in front of my laptop or smartphone, masturbating and in my own way "escaping" the hostile environment and problems.

I've had already tried to stop all that several times previously, but as you can guess with no success. Every time I find a way to negotiate with myself and find a good reason to continue. And there is always a reason: i am too stressed, i have a lot of work, i have problems with my girlfriend, my girlfriend doesn't want to have sex often enough, there are things that turn me on but i can't do them with my girlfriend and so on and so on...

I think the last three have always been the most powerful arguments to continue.

The last three are also the most powerful arguments to stop!

Actually I have the most beautiful, careful, loving and I don't know what else person for my girlfriend. And even though things are not always great we've been together for more than five years now and there isn't a person that I care more for than her.

That's why it drives me crazy to continue leading this secret life of masturbation and porn addiction and I really want to stop...

I've tried speaking to her about it, but first of all she felt really betrayed by the fact that I am using porn and looking at other naked women in order to get sexual pleasure and on the other hand she is persuaded that this is a normal thing that men do and I have nothing to worry about... I have never had the courage to go really into details when describing my activities to her, because I know that will harm her a lot, but it's far from nothing to worry about.

Also the fact that she is really not as sexual as me is driving me crazy and it's always the reason I find to go back to porn. She can go weeks without having sex and for me it's like ages, my sexual drive is so strong, and I find her so attractive... I know that it is probably my addiction that is making me think this way, but if only we could have sex at least once a day I am almost sure I'd never go watch porn daily. (Yeah, I know, these are words of an addict...)

And also my dark side is really into BDSM and stuff like that. I've been aroused by this ever since I started masturbating at the age of 12... And this is also been going stronger and stronger, I am now watching stuff that I am even scared of sometimes and stuff that I've never actually wanted to do in real life, but fantasy is so good... This is also an argument I use to keep going with masturbation: "Well, since I'd never do it in real life, why not fantacise about it, it's doing no harm"... I've tried to speak about this with my girlfriend, try some light stuff, but she is really not into that and I am scared that if she even saw the lightest of the things I jerk off to she'll go away from me forever.

Well that's my story I think...

Now, for all those reasons that I mentioned, I am determined to stop for good. I just can't continue doing that, knowing it harms my relationship and my life so much.

I haven't even spoken about the time that it costs me to continue every day, the harm that it is causing to my professional life, to my personal activities and to my self esteem. I'll probably detail that in another post.

Beside my addiction, I am an ordinary 25y.o man. I come from a good family. Never had real problems in my life. I left the family home when I was 13 in order to go study in another city. Now I've been living abroad for 6 years. I am finishing medical school next year to become a doctor. During all that time there where certain difficulties but nothing serious.

Otherwise I am big fan of mountains, nature, motorcycles, Hard Rock, Rock, Jazz and Blues music.

Well that's about it. Hope someone reads this

Cheers!

PS. Here is my journal log if someone want to read it and say a word

 

Thanks a lot guys, really appreciate it!

 

Oui je suis européen, par contre pas français mais je parle bien la langue.

Et toi ? J'avais dit bon courage car j'ai vu le sans PMO dans le titre de ton journal