After a 2+ Year Stretch, a year off, then another 90 Days, I Caved....

The subject line sort of says it all. Not really sure why I'm posting this other than an attempt to sort things out for myself (which is the best thing I got out of NF).

When I first committed to NoFap, I went 27 months and life changed so completely. After that the next year was not a train wreck. I probably MO'ed more than was healthy at times, or for the wrong reasons, but it was never compulsive. P was not a major concern, although what little I used was auditory and I realized it was a slippery slope. I just didn't want to turn 35 a wanker.

So I went on another 90 day stretch starting late last February. I made it.

But unlike the time before where I went years, this time nothing felt new or exciting and I just worked solid through those 3 months. I can't say NoFap itself was even leading to increased work productivity. The work itself occupied me full-time.

I can see now that combined with the lack of community on the Reddit and not having realized that a good chuck of the constructive community I once knew in '14/'15 has moved over here, I spent those 3 months on my own.

Late last night -- early morning somewhere between 3 and 4 am to be exact -- I caved.

What was strange was it was emotional more than sexual.

I didn't sense I was getting the benefits out of it that I had before.

I didn't feel any less lonely or more attractive for this most recent stretch. I was still going out with women even last year when I was at least in part, a wanker again. I stopped believing in SuperPowers a long time ago because you have to make positive choices for yourself and N.F. is not a cure-all. And yet, of course MO (and especially PMO) is an illusion. It's not any meaningful real connection with anyone.

I think there were a lot of things that contributed to that moment of surrender and yet I can see that what really happened was that I never defined my long-term goals this time around.

I didn't even really know why I was doing another 90 days other than that I had no regrets of the much longer stretch before.

Of course N.F. is a part of life, and I think N.F. is a really healthy and constructive thing. No one gets old and wishes they had masturbated more. But N.F. unto itself is not the entirety of that life. If you're going through a dry spell, or friends have all settled into their own relationships and you're not feeling as close to those you love, or your bank account or career is resting heavy on your mind, masturbating won't make it better and not masturbating won't solve it. That's life, not NoFap. NoFap is only part of a more focused and inclusive, healthy life. It's not the life itself. So I see it as neither salvation nor destruction, but it's clear that the price of growth is always pain of one kind or another. This much is plain to see.

I didn't use P. Just M.O. And yet....it was lonely.

It was brought on by loneliness and the experience itself was lonely too.

Physically, the way it felt has happened before on NoFap, except the difference is...I've been with women when it happened. What I mean by that is that (and I hope this is no kind of trigger for anyone) the touch felt better but the O felt less of a rush. The thing I was missing was touch. But of course it's an illusion that your own can fill that space.

I won't really go into the psychological details or sadness of the main event, but I did feel relieved afterwards.

I woke up with very mixed feelings because I arrived at the same place after 2 years. One time set me back for another year before I went back onto this most recent stretch.

So I marked "NF Reset" on my calendar this morning in order to make a note of it, and not allow for the wishy-washy avoidance that can all too often lead to that slippery slope of falling back into indulgence.

I know I'd been overworked. I know I'd been stressed. I know I'd been lonely. I know I'd felt completely out of luck with women despite being an attractive and talented guy. I know I'd been feeling sorry for myself. I know I'd been focusing more on what I didn't/don't have than what I did & do have.

I also don't blame it on any of those things because that would not be accepting my own responsibility and more than anything, NoFap instilled in me a deep acceptance of owning my own choices in life. I am ultimately the one who decided what to do in that moment of surrender. No one else and nothing else surrendered for me. I am the one who surrendered and it was my decision to own.

Even today I'm not sure. Sometimes I question if I'm getting anything out of it anymore. I don't question the damaging effects of compulsion or of porn, but those were never real stumbling blocks for me. More like, I stopped because I wanted to live life more fully, and I learned how to, and I learned in that process that it wasn't mutually exclusive. Why was last year better even as a wanker than this year on NoFap?

And yet, my ego wants to shame myself and shake the finger and tell myself that I really messed up.

But in reality, I think it's a Dylan line. "It's life and life only."

I'm not sure where this is leading or how I'll adjust from here. I wrote "NF Reset" on the calendar but did so to mark the date more than as a 100% firm and resolved recommitment, because I don't know. Because I'm very uncertain. Because I'm questioning so much right now.

But I know that it all got me here and for that I don't regret a single thing

 

Than you for this