HOCD and regret

Hey guys, I did something I regret. It haunts me every single day. I'm going to be honest. I'm not a great guy. I always tried to fit in since I was kid. I always had crushes on females and was so obsessed with them. I try to get their attention. I was so jealous and insecure because all the girls would go for the good looking guys and I always thought was wrong with me because I was diagnosed with adhd and had ocd ever since I was little. A lot of girls like me but I always judged them and always wanted the sexy girls with the big ass booty and the petite girls that look like porn stars. I've been watching porn and masturbating 3 to 4 times a day since I was in middle school. I got so addicted to it. I started to fantasize and have sexual thoughts every day. I always checked out girls and wanted to smash every sexy chick I see. In high scool it was the same when I met my girlfriend. I always checked out girls behind her back and watched porn. I hated my self and felt so ashamed because she was the girl of any mans dream. I really wanted to change but I couldn't. When she introduced me to her family it got really worse because I started to fantasize about her sisters. She has two sisters that have a body shape like a porn star. One has the biggest booty and only 18 and the other has a really cute face. It killed me so badly I try to not think or fantasize. I always tried to change but failed. My girlfriend felt so distant from me. The connection was lost and our relationship got worse. A year later my addiction got worse. I got into all types of porn including transgendered person and gay. One day me and my girlfriend brokeup because she couldnt deal with the lost of connection anymore. I was so depressed so I started wathing porn. I got so horny. I thought about having sex in real life so I went on an app called meet me. I fought the temptation at first because I want to fix myself. I started talking to people as friends. Then all of a sudden I got a message from a gay guy offering me a blow job. I was so horny off the porn and I was like fuck it a mouth is a mouth so I agreed. He pulled up to my house so I came outside and when I saw his manly features I snapped out of it because I realized wtf hell nah I am not gay. The guy looked like a total creep. So I told him how I felt. He then said its cool we dont have to do anything but can we chill since I came all the way out here. I told him sure because i felt bad for wasting his time. We started talking about guy stuff. Out of nowhere he asked to see my dick. I got scared af because the dude was bigger than me. I was 18 and skinny af. He knew where I lived now and could come to my house wherw my family was that night. I didnt want them to figure out my porn addiction and think I was gay so I did what he said. He gave me a bj anyways and I felt so disgusted and raped. I went to my ex girkfriends house and told her everything. Now I have hocd and keep thinking im gay or bi. I saw this good looking guy on the bus. I stopped and told nyself that was gay af. Wtf is wrong with me. I be having gay thouvhts about sex and relatiomships i think its due to porn please help. Im back wuth my girlfriend. We been together for 5 years and she is now pregnant. I told her about my addiction and promised her I would change because she means everything to me. I know im straight because before my addiction I never thought gay or think about gay sex. I want my life back and marry my beautiful woman. Im tired of these sexual intrusive thoughts. I still watch porn. I can say 98% of all the porn i watched was straight and lesbian and 2% was gay and transgendered person the gay and transgendered person porn i watched was gay and transgendered people being dominated by straight guys.I never thought about being the bottom or watched gay and transgendered person porn when the straight guy was the bottom .I dont watch gay or transgendered person porn anymore because I know my addiction escalated and I got aroused off of that now so i avoid it. I went on google to test my arousal from naked guys I got the sickness and felt like vomiting. Pleas help me guys. That homosexual experience fucked up my brain. I have low self esteem now and great depression. This anxiety is killing me. This is karma for me being a man whore and unfaithful. I dont want to be this way anymore. I want to be faithful and loyal to my woman. I feel disgusted because her sisters are like my sisters and all the sexual thoughts and gay thoughts I have. I want it all to be gone.

 

Thanks because I knew before all this porn stuff I was straight and never have thoughtd about being gay or gay sex so how can I all of a sudden think differently. I know damn well I'm not gay or bi because of it. I just can't believe porn can make it worse and mess up your brain. It made my ocd worse because I always had ocd about being afraid of germs and everything being perfect. I also had ocd about if I dont do something right my family will die. I also suffered from religious ocd. This porn addiction made it worse. Now that you helped me I know its my ocd and porn now. Thanks bro for not making me confused. I can now focus on my family and be the best husband and father I can be.

 

You are correct about that. I have did all those things you mentioned. Thank you guys for your help. Other websites were no help at all.

 

Thanks Metal Bat. I had to come here to tell my whole story because other websites misunderstood me thinking I was in denial of being gay or bi since I only told a little of my story. They dont know the power of ocd and porn. Now I can let this all go and live life. I can now focus on my family and fight this addiction. You guys really saved my life because I had no hope. I was thinking suicidal thoughts and how people would feel if I died. I knew my woman and child would be hurt because of me killing myself.

 

Sounds shitty what your going through. I'm suffering from HOCD too. Porn has fucked up my mind and I suffer from low self, anxiety and depression. Best way to find who you really are is to do a reboot (although you certainly sound straight) Do it for your family man..

 

Thanks Robbster. I know I'm straight because before porn I never though anything about guys. I just cant seem to let it go. I just hate the thoughts and feelings. I will do it for my family. I know I'm not gay or bi because when I don't focus or listen to my hocd nothing bothers me. Even though these thoughts come my lust for girls are so strong. I still feel like smashing every girl I see and it bothers me because I hate these thoughts since Im so in love with my woman.

 

Sex is strictly meant for adults. The Song of Solomon says three times, "Do not arouse or awaken love until it so desires." This is a warning not to raise sexual feelings until the time is right. Early sexual experience can be painful or pleasurable, but either way, it constitutes child abuse. It traumatizes a child or teen. This loss of innocence does need to be addressed and perhaps even grieved through, but doesn't mean you're gay.

Sexual experimentation is something many children and teens do as a part of growing up. You may have enjoyed the feelings you experienced, but that is because God created our bodies to respond to pleasure. It probably made you feel confused and ashamed, which is an appropriate response to an inappropriate behavior. Don't let anyone tell you it means you're gay: it means you're human.

Even apart from the sexual aspect, though, our culture has come to view close friendships with a certain amount of suspicion. If you enjoy emotional intimacy with a friend of the same sex, especially if it is accompanied by the presence of sexual feelings that emerge in adolescence, you can find yourself very confused. But it doesn't mean you're gay.

It is a tragic myth that once a person has a homosexual experience, or even thinks about one, that he or she is gay for life.

Got this from a website. You guys are right I cant be gay because I had one homosexual experience because of my addiction. Its just so dumb to worry and stress over something like that.

 

Thank you for the info diddy kong. I appreciate your help.

 

Thanks Veeav

 

Hey you guys I came to let you guys know that I thought about what all you guys told me. I was thinking about it the whole day. I realized that I'm not gay or bi because I never thought about if I'm gay or bi after that homosexual experience. I was only afraid of people finding out about my experience and thinking that I was gay. Also finding out my hook up profiles to find girls that wants to do threesomes and more. I realized I started to worry and trip out when I looked up sex addiction and how it can cause same sex experiences and people getting confused and all that crazy shit. I've noticed that right that second when I looked it up my ocd used that as a weakness. Today my girlfriend was talking to her sister about a good looking guy. I got jealous and insecure but I let it go because I noticed its human nature to see others. I know where my woman stays. Thats another reason why I realized I was straight because if I was gay I would be all quiet and all up in they business. I also do MMA for a living because its my passion and it helps me control my ADHD and OCD. I be around muscular guys and rolled on matts with guys because Jiu-Jitsu. I never ever thought about any gay or sexual thoughts at that time. I said to myself I still fantasize about girls with their booty and all so how can I be gay. Thanks to you guys I finally understand that My OCD caused all of this ever since I was curious to look up if sex addiction can cause a gay encounter. It started talking about people coming out as gay and bi and I lost my mind. Now that I know how to defeat this OCD I can finally move on with my life. I really want to thank you guys so much. You guys are really awesome and chill dudes. I hope you guys make it far in life and rear naked choke this addiction lol. To all you guys suffering with OCD. You can beat it! It will turn everything you love and care about and use it against you. Even your reputation and what people see you as. I was so afraid and embarrassed that people would call me gay or bi and find all my hook up sites that I never used because my dream is to be in the UFC. I felt like I would be seen as the gay famous mma fighter lol. So my dumb ass looked up sex addiction and homosexual experiences and got the wrong outcome. What ever you do don't look for reassurance. All I did was think about my past up until now. I figured it out myself. Trust me you will get through this.

 

I'm glad you understand FappingHasRuinedMyLife. The key is to not fight the ocd its just to accept it. I stopped giving a fuck today. I used my past and my surrondings to prove my point. I also figured out what triggered it. Now its time to focus on my addiction so I can be the husband I need to be for my lady. It was so hard because I was so worried about myself and my anxiety and never focused on here until today I said fuck it I'm done.

 

I'm very glad your way to fight the ocd worked out for you. Today I found mine when I was with my lady. When I thought about everything that I did from my past all the way up until now. I found my answer and just stop giving a fuck. Good luck to you too.