No Friends in Years, 36 and never been on a date

During JK and SK there were washrooms in the classroom which had a single toilet and a single Sink. once I went into grade 1 I was supposed to use the regular bathrooms with all the stalls and all the urinals. I was so afraid of there being a bully in there. that I would go pee before leaving for school and I wouldn't go again until i was home in my private bathroom. To this day I still hate a typical men's room. I rarely enter them and when I do nothing happens. as young as 4 I refused to take off my shirt infront of anyone including family. at a young age I stopped wearing shorts because I was ashamed of having white legs. Born July 30th 1980. my first school went form JK to grade 5, then middle school 6 to 8 and then high school. JK to grade 8 I would eat a lunch at school but no drinks because I didn't want to have to go pee sooner and hold longer. once I got to high school I felt so bad. I didn't eat breakfast I didn't eat lunch when I was at high school i could no longer eat in front of people I thought everyone hated me and I didn't deserve to eat so i threw out my launches cause I couldn' t eat them I was 6'4" and only 125lbs in high school.

I started seeing a psychiatrist in 2004. I was slowly put on medication for my depressant and social anxiety. once I maxed out on one pill I asked what else could I take I wanted to be normal. now I take 5 different pills. in 2013 I started wearing shorts. in 2014 I joined a public GYM. I never entered change rooms. once I hit grade 6 I was supposed to change into gym close tshirt and shorts which I wasn't wearing. I flat out refused to participate in gym glass the teacher would make me write line and stuff. he was an idiot couldn't comprehend i was self contious and didn't want to be judged. I was made fun of for the way I ran and walked. I to this day refuse to run.

back to 2014 I joined a gym. while walking home I was trying to take a picture with my phone and walk side ways I was on the road and triped on the curb and fell scraping both knees and my shoulder. I had these muscle shirts which I only wore under other clothes that day I put a muscle shirt on so i wouldn't get blood on my shirts. now all I wear are muscle shirts.

in 2013 I bought some pants which zip off into shorts. I went out on the front lawn with our bushes and the house. I only had one area that was open and i put my back to that. then I unzipped the bottom of the pants and put my feet up on another lawn chair as I sat. and I roasted for two days. then I started walking around the front hard doing things. then I started to walk around the neighborhood, then I went on the city bus then I went to malls. as no one made fun of me I got braver. I wear shorts no problem now.

in 2016. I bought a beach towel. our back hard as a solid fence on two sides and the house and then one neighbor has a chain-link fence. I went outside i keeled on the towel took off my shirt and then laid down trying to tan front and back. then I got braver started walking around the back yard. with out a shirt on. then I sat on the front lawn and took off my shirt. then I started cutting the grass without a shirt on and then I started walking around the neighborhood same thing no one said a thing.

I still haven't been shirtless in front of family just strangers and neighbors who wouldn't know I was a shamed of being shirtless anyway

I have no job I am on a Disability Pension. my cat of 18 years died during the night after my 36th birthday. my parents adopted me a cat and he wouldn't eat. the SPCA took him back and put him to sleep right away. that was so maddening the cat was 3 years old. they should of paid to make him better but now they just killed him.

so now I am really alone. I watch movies, I surf the internet alot, I play video games. I watch gay romance films and wish I was a character in the film. I want so bad to be in a relationship to be able to have skin on skin contact be able to spoon on the couch. yet I am afraid. never dated, I am afraid of being drugged, being beat up by some straights playing gay. I do want mutual attraction. there was a man I liked in a clothing store. but i couldn't open my mouth. i ended up typing out on my phone "are you seeing anyone. this is incredibly hard I have social anxiety' then I just showed my phone to the guy. he says did someone send that to you I shook my head no. is that to me he said I said Yes and he said I am seeing someone. I have no clue if he is gay. I had to courage to go to pride in my city. but after the attack on that bar in flordia it makes me worried about LBGT gatherings. last year we didn't have any problems. no protesters or anything. I hadn't eat much that day everything was expensive except for the pop which were a buck I had so many of those. and I had been in the sun from 8am to 7pm i felt sick to my stomach. a couple of lesbians gave me some cool water poured some on my head. once the sick feeling was gone i said I better get going home. they had a fenced in area for those drinking alcohol. I do not drink alcohol. i tried beer as a boy hated it never tried it again. I tried a few other things but don't care for it. I am a huge huge Pepsi addict.

What Is Social Anxiety Disorder?

We all know the feeling of being nervous or uncomfortable in a social situation. Maybe you’ve clammed up when meeting someone new or gotten sweaty palms before making a big presentation. Public speaking or walking into a roomful of strangers isn’t exactly thrilling for everybody, but most people can get through it.
If you have social anxiety disorder, though, the stress of these situations is too much to handle. You might avoid all social contact because things that other people consider “normal” -- like making small talk and eye contact -- make you so uncomfortable. All aspects of your life, not just the social, could start to fall apart.

Social anxiety disorder (also known as social phobia) is one of the most common mental disorders, so if you have it, there’s hope. The tough part is being able to ask for help. Here’s how to know if your social silence has gone beyond shyness to a point where you need to see a doctor.

When Does It Happen?
Anyone with social anxiety disorder can experience it in different ways. But here are some common situations that people tend to have trouble with:

Talking to strangers
Speaking in public
Dating
Making eye contact
Entering rooms
Using public restrooms
Going to parties
Eating in front of other people
Going to school or work
Starting conversations

 

For me Urination is a problem. we urinate way more often then we poop. the one day I went to the gym not urinating before leaving. I tried like 4 times in a stall at the gym nothing happened. my hands were shaking could be from working out or could be being nervous.

Pee-Shy, Shy-Bladder, Bashful Bladder
This site is provided as a resource for people who find it difficult or impossible to urinate in the presence of others, either in their own home or in public facilities. Also, for people who have difficulty under the stress of time pressure, when being observed, when others are close by and might hear them, or when traveling on moving vehicles.

I bought this book from a hospital book store It describes me and my urination issues exactly.

Shy Bladder Syndrome: Your Step-By-Step Guide to Overcoming Paruresis Paperback.

 

I've read articles which pretty much say stay away from men like me. Men up are insecure, men who have depression. I QUOTE "Insecurities are relationship Cancer. Fact."

The article is Titled Why Insecure Men are the Toxic Daters You should be Wary Of.

Posted by AnthonyGilet on Oct 27, 2016

If this is what people are being told and follow this article. I am going to be alone the rest of my life.

the article is broken up until sections.

Self-Sabotage
Suffocation
They'll put you on a pedestal **
They Put you Down
They're Inconsistent

I definitely put my Crushes on a Pedestal but they have no idea. I just do it in my head and I keep my feelings to myself. I am sure all the guys I had crushes on were Straight anyway. Straight guys are nice to look at in porn if they are alone but why would I want to chase one. I want To date guys Cuddle on the couch.

 

yeah this is one of my eyes. they are the one thing I wouldn't change about myself. I think they are incredibly cool