my findings on dealing with loneliness

hello!

it's been a while since I posted. I read the forums from time to time and today I got the feeling I wanted to share my experience with dealing with loneliness.
I feel much better today than I did in my past, so I just want to share my experience in case it might help somebody somehow.
I am 33 years old now. I am almost 16 months clean now. no pmo, no alcohol, no overeating,... I had a lot of psychological problems as well. Dealing with loneliness was really hard at times and I almost gave up on ever finding a way to learn how to deal with this.
I felt lonely since puberty. Even though I had girlfriends, affairs. I even managed it to get married for some years. But that loneliness never went away. I didn't know what to do and repeated my mistakes over and over again. using, regret, using,... what a vicious cycle it can be.
And than I hit a brickwall 16 months ago. It was either take responsibility for yourself or end up as a miserable, selfloathing wannabe who blames the world for his shitty life. Well, I found nofap and a very good therapist.
What I found out about loneliness is this:
I didn't knew myself. I didn't love myself. Not just the good parts, but the whole package. What is there to love when one doesn't love himself? What is there to love if one doesn't know who he is? And I came to the conclusion that I had a lot of discovering to do. So I went on to getting to know me.

I discovered that I felt the most lonely when I compared myself to others. Their looks, their lifes. I compared myself and judged me for not being like "them", the seemingly "happy people". And oh boy, was I wrong. Not only did I cut myself short in a lot of ways, no, I was so arrogant that I thought I can decide for other people what they find attractive, loveable, sexy. "Oh, I cant be with that woman, she is so attractive and Im not". What an arrogant fool I was. No one can decide what other people find loveable, attractive. It was so easy to see myself as "victim" that I did loose sight of who was doing that to me. It was not "them", it was me. I declared myself worthless and covered it all up in pmo, alcohol, ...

If there is only one thing I learned from my addictions it is, that as long I make myself depend on "that one thing", be it pmo, alcohol or the good old "I must have a girlfriend", I am setting myself up for failure. I will never be me, I will never be able to see a person for who she/he is. I will always compare and real love would be never possible.

At the end of the day everyone is with himself/herself, no matter if you are alone in bed or with another person. I came to the conclusion that all that, having a girlfriend, being single, doing this or that, is just one possible version of the life I am living. And the single common point is me. I am the one who lives his life. We can only decide so much for ourselfs. Do we meet that special someone? Who can tell. Life is so complex, I don't think there is a certain way to find that special someone.

But what I can do, is live my life. Be myself. Love myself, take care of myself. I am who I am, and nothing can change that and it is a wonderful thing. I can grow, make new experiences, learn. Maybe I will meet my special someone, maybe not. But is my life less worth, less happy, less wonderful, if I don't? I don't think so. Not anymore.

Standing on my balcony, feeling the sun on my face. Feeling well and alive. With a girlfriend or alone. All it is, is a different experience. And I find both equally wonderful. And I am deeply grateful that I can feel this way today. After all, I only got this one life, this one body. So, why not make the most of it, no matter the ever changing circumstances.

Thanks, if you read all that. I just wanted to leave this here and give back because nofap gave me so much

thank you all for being who you are!

 

thank you very much, you're welcome!