1 month without PM

17th day. Not as urge free as yesterday but still good. A little depleted of energy at the moment.

 

Yeah, hopefully it's just a phase. Hanging in there, man! Nice to know I'm not the only one.

 

Day 18. Just re-read my entries, and it just fills me with joy that I've made it this far. Not because I've felt a big difference in my thinking and that but just because I've been able to withstand my urges and follow through with my promise, you know. To see that I CAN do what I put my mind to. Fuck yeah. Let's keep this up. Still on my guard though - you never know when the urges will sneak up on you.

 

Day 18 of no PMO and I think I’ve just hit a low point. My mood has varied from happy to bummed. Like, this morning I drove to have breakfast with my mom and that was pretty nice although it sucks to see her sad when talking about the diminishing prospect of her finding a man. But I digress. Then I came back home to edit a project I have going on for fun, and later on I started studying. Was pretty routine, not happy or sad at that moment. Got pretty stoked when I played squash later on with a friend though. I’m thinking maybe the social aspect gives me a lot of enthusiasm because when I came back home, that’s when I got low. A girl I’ve been talking to a little is not writing back and I just feel kind of sad, but not like cry-sad.

And that’s why I’ve been resisting the «having-a-girlfriend»-thoughts because every time I think like, «yeah, it’d be nice» every nice girl I talk to becomes a possible girlfriend and I just get in my head. I start checking my phone all the time to see if she has sent a message and just get dependent, you know. I become dependent on the affirmation from her that I’m good enough. That I’m cool, you know. But it shouldn't be like that. Getting a girlfriend should come from a place of abundance, not scarcity. I shouldn’t get a girlfriend because she is the only girl I can get, it should be because I really like her and we are a good match - better than any of the other girls. So that’s what I need to do. Not get attached. I need to go out and meet women. Plural. Oneitis is terrible and dangerous if you’re not aware of it. It’ll get you trapped and make you feel miserable.

I actually feel better writing this down because I’ve gotten some clarity by pointing out what I think is a cause of my sadness. I just don’t have that self-esteem where I can honestly feel like I’m good enough and that I bring something good to the table. When I’m with a girl I feel happy that she’s spending time on me, almost as if I’m tricking her. Or I’ll wonder if she’s just doing it to waste time, because I don’t feel worthy. Bad place to come from. I have to work on that.

 

Thanks, that does provide some comfort.

 

Start of day 19. Had my first wet dream tonight. Feel better today. Went through my daily routine, although I wish to wake up earlier than I did today. I had my alarm at 7 but got up at 9 instead. Will improve in time. Had my breakfast and cup of coffee while I listened to a little bit of an audiobook on Warren Buffett and then a little to the radio. Started meditating again by using Headspace for the first time, which is actually really nice, the guy has a very smooth and soothing voice. Brushed my teeth. Now I'm going to put some pants on and start studying. Time is 10:37 am over here in Sweden. Lets get it.

 

Week 3! Actually having close to no urges this time around and it feels great actually. I'm not going to put nofap on a pedestal here, but I'm beginning to feel like spending my time more wisely. Instead of masturbating I focus on working out, studying, listening to audiobooks. When I don't feel like doing any of those I turn to watching Netflix or Youtube, which of course are not ideal either but the process of doing all productive things has to go slowly or the change is going to be too abrupt. I'm trying not to go on social media too often, although it can be hard at times. Same thing applies there, slow progression.

Very enthused today, already had my breakfast, listened to little bit of an audiobook by Tony Robbins as well as the radio, been to the gym, and now going to have my second meal. The weather is also super nice, sun is up longer, thank god.

Outside the gym I saw an old woman with her grandson who just seemed to have such a nice relationship, with the grandmother just nodding and smiling as the kid spoke with enthusiasm about whatever he had on his heart. I try to appreciate these kinds of things a little more nowadays. But whether that is nofap or just my conscious attempt to appreciate life more I don't know. Maybe it's both. All I know is I'm feeling good today, and I know it won't last forever so I'm just seeping in the joy of this moment.

Peace!

 

Day 22. Urges are back. Only this time I have a better answer to the question of "why are you doing this?". I am going to tell you why.

Giving up on this means I'm a quitter. If I can't honour my word to myself how am I supposed to take on responsibilities that go on beyond myself? Huh? Fuck my urges. Life is hard - it ain't all sunshine and rainbows. If I can't control myself how in the hell am I supposed to become the leader I aspire to become one day? I'm not. Just realise that what I do everyday, even though it feels like it doesn't make a change, will eventually make me who who I am. By eating healthy and training every day for a week or a month doesn't change me. But when I'm going to look back at myself in one, two years I will realise that I'm a completely different person. A person who values himself and others.

And regarding not PMOing: If I'm not able to get a woman to make me orgasm then I don't deserve it. "To get what you want you have to deserve what you want." Stop thinking about yourself as a victim, and hell, just stop thinking about you you you so much. Lift your gaze and see what's around you. Provide value to others and you will be acknowledged and appreciated.

 

Day 23. Nothing to report besides the fact that I had an exam today and I'm not out partying to celebrate. I think the reason is because first of all my friends aren't, and the class party that was arranged I didn't feel like going to because I don't hit it off with most people in class. But I'm not sad about that like I used to be. I just see myself having other priorities. They want to drink and get wasted while I want to get a good sleep so I can go train and be slightly more productive tomorrow. Like, I too can drink and that but that is in the company of good friends, I don't want to have to drink to be able to get a good vibe with my classmates, ya dig?

I know I will have to socialise, particularly now with nofap, since being alone over an extended period of time can really fuck up your social calibration. However, I feel like I don't project any awkwardness nowadays and just feel slightly more confident in the way I carry myself. And I just want to focus on the right things like meditating, to get that tranquility of mind, listening to audiobooks and motivational speeches to reprogram my mind, training, eating right, etc. But of course I know I need to balance that out with socialising and that.

Off topic perhaps, but I'm beginning to realise that this direction I'm taking might not what I want to do right now. I saw a motivational video on youtube and one thing really caught my attention.

"At the end of the day we are a bunch of people on a little planet in a huge galaxy and before we know it we are going to be a bunch of dust, and the great billionaires get buried next to the taxi drivers and we are not that big of a deal."

I'm just 20 years old and these are the years I need to fail and learn from my mistakes. Do whatever feels right, follow my instinct and passion. Not listen to what everybody else is saying.

 

Here is the video:

 

Day 28. Had my second wet dream last night. Had my first on day 14, so it seems like I get one every two weeks. To be honest the wet dreams feel nice but it's not like I have any control over that anyways.

Been feeling kind of low these past two days, hoping it'll pass soon. Have been soooo tired after coming back from uni at like 4-5 pm that I've just crashed for like 2 hours. I know that's not good though so I pushed myself to stay awake today, and still need to push myself to the gym. It is now that the real struggle begins it seems. When you start feeling the real resistance after the initial one you need to show yourself that you can do it. It can't just be another 2 month phase of going to the gym, it has to be for real this time. I'm the motherfucking boss, not my emotions. Fuck your motivation, you're not always gonna feel like it but you have to always do it either way. Otherwise, how would anyone become successful in anything, huh? And to be honest now that I'm writing it down I feel energised because this is the struggle I've been looking forward to. A chance for me to prove to myself that I'm not a fucking lazy ass pussy but a man who does what he says he is going to do, regardless if it's easy or if I feel like it or not.

So the gym and uni is my biggest struggle by far, not fapping is really not on my mind that much besides during the few moments before I fall asleep. In that respect it's going well. Just want to feel a bit more energised and not this drowsy sleepwalking I'm feeling at the moment.

 

Day 30, which means I've completed my challenge. However, I've felt kind of low these past days but no idea why. Maybe something to do with nofap or maybe not. Tonight was also my third wet dream, and my second in three nights. Weird that I've had two so close to each other.

Been hella of a week at school so been hella tired. Today I also crashed after school. I went for a twenty minute nap, which turned into two hours. Rested now, though haha.

 

Thanks, brother!