Getting Worse

sounds like you have some soul searching to do... self medication always have some cause and I think you need to find it in order to make any progress.
You know when you read someone on this forum going "Oh I just relapsed because I saw a hot girl on the bus in a short skirt so I just had to go home and fap to porn five times", the girl on the bus had nothing to do with it, the guy was just looking for an excuse...
In my case it was loneliness that made me fap and once I learned that, this became so much easier.

 

Reading your blog it looks like you have really had a roller-coaster ride. You have had 8 months of short successes up to 1 month long, yes? The fact that you have kept going so long is testament to your determination and courage. I salute you

However, considering the amount of work you have put into this I get the feeling, and I believe this is what you are feeling too, that your approach to this is not right for you. You appear to have adopted a method that focuses on punishing yourself into submission. Cold showers, restricted foods. Sometimes these things can be useful, but long term such punishments will wear you down. If they are not getting you past day 10 then perhaps you have to explore other methods.

You have talked about changing your environment several times - did you do it?

You appear to have 2 triggers - mornings and girls. I remember being young (I really do!) and mornings were a great quiet time and looking back they were also a trigger for me. You are sleepy, relaxed so your resistance is low. Perhaps something that motivates you to get up and get out early would help? I wonder if an early morning job for a couple of hours is possible.

As for girls, are you abstaining from relationships too? I can't tell from your posts. Do you need to make a clear decision about that because you seem to be confused about what you are after during encounters.

Finally, you did have offers from people to be an accountable partner. Did you take them up on it?

Keep going. You are doing well and your determination is going to be what gets you through this.

Good luck

 

Honestly that was were I was at before I am were I am now. I just one day decided to put everything to the side and just focus on work over emotions and everything has been going real smooth for me. I know Im early in from the last PMO but I feel very different. It sounds weird but you can tell yourself to stop feeling a certain way, and go feel better by going and doing something else. You build from the bottom up.

 

Complete seed....hang in there man! I have had to quit cigs twice ( it's been six years since I have had one). I used to be heavenly addicted to drugs (crack, meth, ecstasy, pain pills, etc). Been ten years clean. I am also a recovering alcoholic that has been sober for ten years as well.I am now at the last stronghold in my life and that is pmo and just plain mo. My alcoholic and drug tendency had me homelessness for two years with two warrants for my arrest. I dropped out of high school in the ninth grade. I was molested by my grandfather as a boy. I was molested by a stranger when I was a boy because my mom was to busy prostituting to feed her addiction. I was further molested by my father's live in girlfriend. You talk about being screwed up...I tried to kill myself twice an almost succeeded the second time. Today I am happily married to a wonderful girl, sober and clean workking on my graduate degree in finance. I currently have a respectable position with a well known finance company. I tell you all this to let you know that my journey towards a better life started ten years ago when I walked through the door of an AA MEETING with tears streaming down my face.I learned that I was powerless over my addictions and that I needed to find a power greater than myself to get clean and stay clean. I had to accept that regardless of all the wrong that happened to me it was ME that caused these addictions. For me AA was the door that opened the way to a relationship with Jesus. Look man I am not some Bible thumpers that is going to tell you that you need salvation. However, I will tell you that until I found a reason to live beyond myself and a power outside of myself to help me I found myself failing miserably! Addiction is not about will power because I have lost the ability to choose which is we go back to addiction over and over again. I learned that there were people in my life that I had to forgive. I had to ask for forgiveness for myself and strive to be a better person spiritually. My relationship with Jesus is the most important thing today. He got me through all the things stated above and He is getting me through this last wall to freedom. If you want to learn more about my story or if your interested in maybe talking about God and this addiction private message me. God bless!!!

 

Complete seed....hang in there man! I have had to quit cigs twice ( it's been six years since I have had one). I used to be heavenly addicted to drugs (crack, meth, ecstasy, pain pills, etc). Been ten years clean. I am also a recovering alcoholic that has been sober for ten years as well.I am now at the last stronghold in my life and that is pmo and just plain mo. My alcoholic and drug tendency had me homelessness for two years with two warrants for my arrest. I dropped out of high school in the ninth grade. I was molested by my grandfather as a boy. I was molested by a stranger when I was a boy because my mom was to busy prostituting to feed her addiction. I was further molested by my father's live in girlfriend. You talk about being screwed up...I tried to kill myself twice an almost succeeded the second time. Today I am happily married to a wonderful girl, sober and clean workking on my graduate degree in finance. I currently have a respectable position with a well known finance company. I tell you all this to let you know that my journey towards a better life started ten years ago when I walked through the door of an AA MEETING with tears streaming down my face.I learned that I was powerless over my addictions and that I needed to find a power greater than myself to get clean and stay clean. I had to accept that regardless of all the wrong that happened to me it was ME that caused these addictions. For me AA was the door that opened the way to a relationship with Jesus. Look man I am not some Bible thumpers that is going to tell you that you need salvation. However, I will tell you that until I found a reason to live beyond myself and a power outside of myself to help me I found myself failing miserably! Addiction is not about will power because I have lost the ability to choose which is we go back to addiction over and over again. I learned that there were people in my life that I had to forgive. I had to ask for forgiveness for myself and strive to be a better person spiritually. My relationship with Jesus is the most important thing today. He got me through all the things stated above and He is getting me through this last wall to freedom. If you want to learn more about my story or if your interested in maybe talking about God and this addiction private message me. God bless!!!