Time and again over these last 75 days of sobriety, including at this very moment while I'm writing this message, I have found myself otherwise perfectly positioned to fap to my addict's content: alone, in a private place, with all the electronic devices, Internet speed, and bandwidth to pipe in as much PMO garbage as I want, for as long as I want -- seemingly with no consequences, since it's just me, myself, and I, and thus no one else to whom I am required to answer for my behavior. I have had continuously remind myself that this is not the point. How much, how often, and how easily I might be able to get away with binging out on my addict's favorite dessert is not the measure of anything in this fight; what I am able to "achieve" for my addict in these private, otherwise unaccountable moments is, in fact, the essence of the disease itself. Turned around and stated positively, these are the very moments of most value in the fight, because they present the strongest opportunities to progress in the right direction, if we choose wisely. I've said it before, and I'll say it again, this fight is all about exercising our power of choice: choosing not to indulge the addict despite the fact that the opportunity for fapping is deliciously ripe; literally looking our addiction and ourselves directly in the face, and saying "no, I won't do it again, just because I can get away with it." As I've also said, and will continue to say, this is a delusion in the purest sense of the word: we are not ever "getting away" with anything. It is quite the opposite: we are losing when we surrender to the stronghold of our addiction, by giving up the power of choice we have, allowing the addiction to drive us back into the gutter, making the addict that much stronger and burying our true selves under that much more dirt. However slight, however faint it seem in the back of our minds when we're beset with the powerful urges to act out, we always have a choice in the matter. Learning to exercise that choice, day in and day out, moment after moment, is how we win and how we take back the life of which our addiction deprives us. So the next time you find yourself with the opportunity to fap, choose again and turn that into an opportunity to grow in the right direction by realizing that is not the point. All the best, Sandpaper
Thanks, @Deadlihood. I'll be thankful to clear 90 days, but I intend to keep on keeping on. I'm looking much farther down the road, with a goal of forever. I'll definitely need the NoFap support to keep moving. But I don't see how I can set my goal at anything short of forever. I'll be 41 in a few months. I've wasted countless hours over the last three decades with PMO. I don't want to waste another minute. I've learned too much over the years about the negative effects of PMO to give in, even just "one more time." I appreciate the support; this place and you all are an invaluable safe haven for me in staying the course.
