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Hello

Before Christmas last years I joined noFap and, with the help of the noFap community and a counter I managed to go 74 days before I relapsed. It was a very small relapse and I thought I had it all under control.

I didn't.

My first mistake was to stop logging in to noFap. I guess I was disappointed in myself, and ashamed, or embarrassed, I don't know. I had been doing so well and I had stood alongside these people whose counter was approaching 90 days or more. Now, I was a newbie again, struggling to get into double figures. I had been so cheerful and positive. So proud! And it was my pride that was my downfall.

I thought, after almost 3 months that I could go it alone. I had already shown I had the strength to resist and thought I could do the same things, but on my own. But what I found was without that counter, without those people, you, observing my struggles as well as my achievements, without support I slowly but surely started to slip more and more. It took about 3 weeks before I would say I had lost the battle. And for the next month I struggled to go a week or even 4 days without PMO. And I wasn't really trying either. I wasn't doing any of the little helps, mindfullness, focusing, breathing, drinking water, stepping away etc. I was back to my old ways and for the last month I have been totally addicted again.

For me, going back was horrible. To begin with I thought it was great - but I know why that was, I know what part of my brain that was talking. In fact today is the first day for ages that I have consciously recognised that addicted part of my brain as being separate, unwanted. It took control so fast and so utterly. And it is true, my energy levels have been down. I have been less productive, less focused, less friendly, more irritable, more secretive, more guilty, more angry. I have put on weight. I look unhappy, tired. Everything I gained in just under 11 weeks has now gone.

For the last 2 weeks I have been meaning to come back here and every time I get diverted. My fingers know the patterns, the urls slip from the keyboard so easily. But noFap.org is very easy to type thankfully. And today, being a Monday, I had almost 3 days in the bag. Those few days have given me at least some time away from it, just enough to be able to break the cycle and to come here instead. I have reset my counter, apologised to the people I abandoned and here I am, conscious-freeflow analysis into the forum - the first time I have been honest with myself for the last 15 weeks, 109 days.

I know what I have to do. I need to find a different way to block P. K9 Web Protection is not enough now. I need to start meditating, focus on work, be concious of that voice again and start saying "no" to it. I need to keep coming back, see that counter grow, offer what support and encouragement I can to others. Stop being proud/smug.

If you have read this far then thank you. Good luck to you all. Hope you have a great week.

perusan

 

I know what you mean, but I doubt anyone relies on them solely. Visualisation is a good tool to keep in mind your goals and visualising something you are NOT doing is a bit difficult. So personally I believe counters definitely have their use.

See my powerbar fill up!!!

Thanks. And thanks nomas too!