Some reflections after 5 weeks in this reboot program: It worths it totally to quit this addiction: selfsteem, concentration, energy, relations, etc. Still is quite a challenge all along, and each day must be THAT day where I face my feelings, urges, triggers, angers, etc... Eroticism, sensuality nor sexuality equal to anxiety, lonelyness nor frustration. I can see that to recover a intime relationship with myself is the task. Therapy has helped a lot to identify some of the underlying present and past issues that triggers PMO compulsion. Also to identify the subpersonalities linked to PMO compulsion (read Breaking the cycle) helps me to corner and anticipate the part of my that is mining my present, usually linked with wishing to avoid what I feel. To distinguish what I feel needs time to be alone and quiet, to breath deep, and exercise meditation, contact with my body sensations, the flow of my thoughts and to let pass the negative emotions and start over again, and again, and again, and again.. Bit by bit I can feel a tiny power of will that grows, somedays is better somedays is smaller but I hang to that subtle sensation that PMO covered for so long. My relationships with my significant others feels more and more spontaneous and truthful, with more confidence and less shame. To show myself the way I am, with my interests, with my doubts and weaknes and be able to communicate the way I feel is the task. With my partner I talk now and then about this process, exercising trust and respect, enjoying the so many other things in parallel with sex: tenderness, company, support listening. I talked about this with a couple of good friends also, it feels a lot less of a burden. However timing, where and how to tell about it is important to really say it and really aloud to be supported the way they feel, so far It worth it all the way (or deeper friendships manifested). Altoghether is a daily effort, is like training or studying really hard for something, is to train my attention and dismantle sex obsession (so many other thing to focus in! and I have been missing them!). One of the most important aspects that I´m learning is to FORGIVE the emotions, the thoughts, the selfevaluation, the anger with oneself for this shit and towards others that we link to this or with the underlying causes. Some major enemies, barriers and triggers: - Fantasies and what ever makes me fantasize - Selfrightoussness and pride - Excesive selfevaluation and perfectionism - Too much alcohol + flirting - Too much cofee + anxiety - Hunger, anger and tiredness - Macho environments - Procastinating duties and bills
I have also identified coffee as an enemy. At the very least I know that it doesn't actually improve my performance, but just makes my brain 'spin' if you know what I mean and messes up my sleep.
For my is an anxiety booster, I have to really be honest on how i feel in order to allow myself a cup of coffee, and yes that spining if I take a bike ride or focus myself on something very specific goes better
Entering the 7th week in hard mode. REcovery is a continous process, not a single day I can quit of being aware of triggers, all the time Im breathing counscioussly, If something upsets me I focus on my breathing, I go out, I work out, then goes better. MEditation arises with new challenges, new emotional states with their own difficulties. Subpersonalities involved in P addiction still try to justify PMO as harmless or so, meditation again helps to observe and talk to this compensating subpersonalities, no matter when there is always another thing bothering me behind a fantasy or an urge. Thats why never ends this job, I have to take it easy, forgiving me and relaxing, trying not to procastinate on all the stuff I have to. Im starting to socialize easier but still few hours, few people, and avoiding emotional complex settings (hurt people, macho people, violent people, etc). Still going day by day helps me a lot, no counter for me is better I guess.
