Question to husbands/SO

Hi. I am a husband. I am skeptical that it has been this easy for him. This is THE most difficult addiction to stop. You can find many posts where guys say they stopped smoking, drinking, or even hard drugs, but the can't beat porn addiction.

It takes a while to get the mental techniques, after many many failed attempts.

Often, the guys that succeed come to realization that they can't even fantasize anymore, or it will lead to relapse. This is exactly what makes this addiction so difficult.

If you think of Pavlovs dog, where the bell created an urge for the reward of food. With porn addiction, both the bell and food can be completely in your head. A memory of a porn scene will come to mind, which triggers arousal. And if you enjoy an extended fantasy, you have just given your brain a reward of dopamine, and it will want more. you can literally use your "drug" while sitting in a meeting at work.

So although it may be natural for a normal person to enjoy a little fantasy, a porn addict can not. It reinforces the addiction pathways so they can't weaken.

I am must have read about 20 books on addiction and self control to slowly piece together a strategy, and mental techniques that help.

Hitting rock bottom can be motivating if it was painful enough for him. Or did he just use the time alone to binge?

Is he on this site? Is he demonstrating that he is really trying. It's not a good sign that you had to demand the porn blockers rather than him requesting the blockers. Although I personally don't believe in blockers, at least not for people who want to change themselves

Best of luck to you and your husband. He is very lucky to have a wife who is trying to understand this addiction..

 

I'm also a husband, so I'll throw my 2 cents in.

For me, it was hard to admit an addiction. I told myself everything I could to keep it continuing. While my wife has admitted that she has a small part in the problem (not being in the mood for sex), it was convincing myself that was the first hard step.

Once I convinced myself there was a serious problem, the next step was signing up on this website. I crept around for weeks until my wife gave me enough of a nudge and I signed up.

This isn't to say it's been easy. I've been PMO free for 21 days today, but it's been hard. This past weekend, I've had plenty of opportunity to screw it up. I'm depressed and angry that it got this far before I did something about it.

Regardless of how I feel now, I know it will be worth it in the long run.

Your husband needs to admit the problem, maybe not to you, but to himself. He needs to hold himself accountable for his own actions. You aren't forcing him to PMO. You said yourself that you were up for sex. Until he is honest with himself, he can't be honest with you.

This is just my opinion. I hope everything works out for you.

Z.

 

It sounds to me that there is a trust issue here, owing to his earlier failures to own up to the PMO addiction.
He has taken some positive steps it seems, and has owned up to it. But you don't trust it. What to do? Well, first, let's think. What were his negative behaviours which were, in your view, caused by the PMO? Have those behaviours continued? So let's say he avoided intimacy. Does he still avoid intimacy? If all his behaviours have improved, then he probably is doing better. And then you need to think about why you don't trust him. No judgment! Just think about it.
Honesty is important - and here I mean you letting him know that you are struggling with trust. See what he suggests. Your relationship has gone through a lot - you need to keep talking about it all. And do see a counselor if you need to. And I do think you need to, because there is a trust issue here, and you can't have a nice relationship without it.
My thoughts and best wishes are with you,
MH

 

What I do is show my wife my daily log book. So we are talking about it frequently.. Did I make it through the week without a P-sub? And I tell her about close calls, or if I relapsed.

I told her that you've been watching a regular movie with the pretty actress is risky, since my brain is ogling the actress. Even just watching the "edge of tommorrow" movie with Emily blunt created urges for a couple of days.

If I make it through an entire month without looking at any erotic material, sexy YouTube videos etc. we use a random number generator to give me a chance at a price. Research shows an unpredictable reward is more motivating than and Gauranteed reward.

And, she tells me how proud she is I am trying so hard. And I think it is important to support him. It feels good when she says it.....so sort of a wholesome shot of dopamine.

Maybe he is embarrassed, but I think he should enlist your help as much as possible.

Best of luck to you.

 

To be completely honest I doubt he's being truthful to you. I'm basing my doubt in part on my own past with PMO and in part by your doubt. A huge part of the PMO cycle of addiction is the shame he's feeling. That shame is what's keeping him from talking honestly and openly to you about it. If he's not able to discuss triggers, struggles, ect... with you, it's not likely he's really in recovery. The reason I base my opinion (remember it's just my opinion!) in part on your doubt is because I noticed a HUGE shift in my personality when I actually began to reboot and recovery. My SO could just tell. I'm open, present, empathetic and my frustration/anger has dissolved. I think if he was truly recovered you would feel significantly better about your trust.

Obviously this is just an outside opinion based on what very little I know.

Part of my recovery success so far has been complete shifts in my beliefs about porn and about masturbation. I used to believe masturbation was like sneezing or something -- that it had to be done as some type of body maintenance. Only through abstaining during reboot has my belief changed to thinking that masturbation is more like a baby sucking it's thumb. It's a soothing/coping mechanism that isn't at all necessary. Because I now know that it isn't necessary, I don't do it and because I don't do it, I don't have any need to watch porn, Psubs, oogle women, etc... Without the changes in belief, I don't know how realistic it is for someone to abstain longterm. It's not about willpower, it's about thought process and behavior as it relates to the thoughts.

No matter what he is absolutely capable of complete and successful reboot. Maybe I'm missing the details and he already is. In any event I hope you both find your answers and continue to build a better and better relationship. Good luck!