Finally, a place where I belong.

How did I end up here? What led me to a lifetime of porn addiction and compulsive masturbating.

I'm tearing up here a bit. Those words have never left the confines of my mind. It was my dirty little secret. Now I find myself in a community of others who share everything I've been through. Now I know I am not alone.

Actually I do know where everything started for me. A year of intense therapy during and following a nasty divorce revealed that, as a small child, I was molested. That early scene tainted my self-image and, later, my sexual self-image. When I entered puberty in the late 60's (yes, I'm that old) my mother, thankfully, skipped the sex talk opting to give me a book dealing with the coming changes in my body and my life. It was actually a very good book, half dealing with the physical aspects of sex and procreation and half dealing with the moral aspects and responsibilities of pre-marital sex.

My father on the other hand had a different approach. He handed me a canister containing a 16MM film and suggested that I watch it when I was alone. I couldn't guess what was so important delivered with a cryptic instruction to watch it when no one was around. The moving black and white pictures on the screen shocked me. This was my first glimpse of two people engaged in sex. It's hard to believe that a grainy image on a screen with a camera whirring and clicking next to me was state of the art porn at the time. My heart pounded as I watched the forbidden. It was at that early age that I learned to associate arousal and, later, orgasm with visual depictions of emotionless sex. I loved my father and revered him greatly but this is the one gift that I wish he had never given me.

I think I knew early on that this was an addiction. It was impulsive and nearly impossible to not act on. I tried my own early versions of boot camp regularly going 5 to 7 days when I chose to but never making it past the monolithic 10 days. After 1 or 2 10 day fasts I finally just gave up. Since then it has been a lifetime of sneaking into the bathroom with the latest Playboy assuring my wife that it was just reading material. For decades it has been the same cycle, the same as in any addiction. The initial thought or impulse, the pleasure of acting on it, the few fleeting seconds of ecstasy and the shame and self-loathing that followed, sometimes for days.

I have reached a point in my 6th decade of life when I want to rid myself of this beast that consumes hours at a time. I have finally found a place where others understand where I'm at and can hopefully lead me to a brighter future. This is day one for me. I am looking first to break that 10 day barrier and journey far beyond that. This is truly the first day of the rest of my porn-free life.

 

Thanks for your support, John. It is appreciated. The fact that I am sitting here in front of the computer in an empty house (wife is at work) and not watching porn is a huge step for me. I am glad that I have a healthy alternative now.

 

Day 2 of my journey. At this early stage things are going well. But then they always are at this point. The test will come when I reach 7 and especially 10 days. That is my goal at this point - waking on day 11 with no porn.

I am very pleased with today. My wife worked in the office today which gave me a good 2 hours in the morning alone with the computer, free to chat out loud with a video chat partner. But, for the first time in years I was able to prevail where previously I had easily succumbed to the first urge. I am proud of that and count that as a huge step forward.

One step at a time. One day at a time.

 

Day 3 and still holding strong. I've had a number of urges but have quickly dealt with them psoitively. I think that being accountable to a community is working for me.

I've thought a lot about triggers these pst few days. I know that the main one is an empty house. As the days move on and the urges become stronger I will need to deal with that. I simply have to avoid being in the house alone and unoccupied. Definitely no computer time in an empty house. that's asking for trouble.

My wife and I went to the Mall today, the Apple Store and I realized another trigger - attractive young women. In the past I would have lingered on them letting my imagination run wild. I realize that is not good and creates urges that linger. I have learned to look away and not objectify. I'm dealing with this trigger.

Another trigger that i just realized is Facebook. As I browsed through my Friends' posts I saw one the side bar ads. It featured prominently a photo of Phoebe Cates in a red bikini from "Fast Times at Ridgement High." Facebook is full of these triggers. So, at least for the first 90 days I have deactivated my Facebook account. Another trigger dealt with.

Tommorow my wife is planning to meet her Aunt and cousins for a brunch which will leave a considerable block of time alone in the house. I am planning on going to the Mall at that time for several laps to consume some time.

Everyone is right about this being hard. You have to plan ahead to remove invitations to relapse. I am committed to this reboot. I want it to work. With everyone's support I can and will do this......one step at a time. One day at at time.

 

Day 6

Still holding strong though the urges are becoming stronger and the need for physical relief is getting harder to ignore. Tomorrow is day 7 and getting into seldom seen territory. As I said The longest I've gone without porn or masturbating is 10 days. My resolve is stronger than it has ever been. I really want to vanquish this beast for good and that is what is getting me through it. One day at a time. That is all we are given. That is all I can handle right now.

 

Day 8.

Getting closer to that 10 day wall. If I can make it past that obstacle it will be wonderful new territory for me.

I saw something worthwhile in another journal here. a member of the community says that he actually talks out loud to his urges. It is a good tactic and It reminds me of a technique that I learned at a writer's seminar about dealing with the negative inner critic. In this community the negative entity is the mindless craving for porn. The technique is to name it, make it a person. Give your urges and rationalization a personality and deal with it as you would an unruly child. Acknowledge it but don't give in to it. Redirect it as you would a child. Teach that child a better way. Recognize that child as distinct from the person you want to be. Learn to guide it because, as in any addiction, the child will be with you always.

 

Day 12

Good day to everyone and what a great day it is for me. I am sitting here typing tonight on day 12, past the 10 day goal I had set for myself. This a HUGE goal for me to have met! This is the first time since my early teens that I have gone more than 10 days without porn or masturbating. This is exhilarating!! But I don't want to delude myself that the journey is over. In truth, it has only begun but it has begun with confidnece. I am here alone in the music room where our computer is located. My wife is sound asleep in the next room. Normally this is when I would inevitably end up on random video chat or the live sex site or, sometimes both at the same time. This is a huge step that I am not on either site right now. Having a community to come to is a great help to me and will, I'm sure, see me through to 90 days.

One thing that I've noticed since I've come out as a porn addict is that masturbation and pornography are often referred to lightly and as the source of comedy in stand up and on network comedy shows. I don't have to tell anyone here that a teen locked in his room with a computer (masturbation implied) is no laughing matter. It is where all of us here started. I have decided that when I see Porn addiction treated comedically I am going to inform the writers on the show that Porn does have negative and, as in my case, lifelong consequences.

To all of you out there struggling or just coming back after a relapse, keep at it. Follow the Japanese proverb - Fall seven times, stand up eight. Know your triggers and deal with them and you CAN do this!!

One step at a time......One Day at a time.

 

Reboot 2 - Day 1

I've been avoiding the site as you can tell by the dates. I feel a little embarrassed and ashamed having let down everyone who has encouraged me here.

Things were going great after smashing the 10 day monolith. I found myself more alert, not as easily agitated. In short, I was feeling good. Then around day 22 or 23 the urges returned big time. I was able to deal with them for a few days until they got the better of me. One night while checking out the various news sites and hobby sites that I normally read online I felt the urge to just peek at my favorite Video chat site to see what the guys and girls were doing. It was only a few minutes but it was the beginning of my relapse. The next night was longer and I began to talk to the partners on the site. "After all," I told myself, " you're not masturbating." Every night was a descent accompanied with excuses. "You can expose yourself, you're still not masturbating." "It's okay to just touch yourself, just so you don't cum." I was rationalizing each step until the one night when I finally did orgasm. I couldn't rationalize that. Somewhere in that week, probably when I first peeked "for a couple minutes," I had relapsed.

so, here I am back in the community after my first relapse. I admitted on day two that this was not going to be easy. It is very difficult dealing with the unruly child that is porn/sex addiction. I rededicate myself tonight to a life free of porn. This, once again is day one. I know I can do this. I already have for 21 days. The most important lesson I take from this relapse is that I can't spent any time on any sex-related site. Not one second. It's like a recovered alcoholic going into a bar to celebrate with friends or a gambling addict throwing "just two quarters" into the slots.

I have to telling myself, one step at a time, one day at a time and, in those weak moments, one second at a time. Wish me luck.

 

Reboot 2 Day 2

Thanks for all of he encouraging messages. I definitely need them.

As I've stated in one of my earlier threads sitting in front of a computer alone can quickly become a trigger. To avoid that, this will be my first stop when I log on to the net. Just knowing that there is a community behind me is encouragement. Also we just purchased an iPad that is downstairs and we use it for quick references or browsing. When I browse I am going to use that in the dining room where there is frequent traffic so that will be an incentive to avoid porn. My wife shares the iPod so I will definitely take no chances. That seems like a plan for right now. Anything else that comes up will be dealt with as it occurs.

One step at a time. One day at a time.

 

Reboot 2 Day 3

Another day with no incidents at all.

I spent an hour or so this morning in the living room checking my favorite sites (non-porn of course) on the iPad while my wife read the morning paper. Can't possibly get any safer than that.

I started to watch the American Music Awards this evening but I quickly realized I couldn't do that. the gowns were revealing way too much and that is a trigger for me. I turned it off.

I've been on the desk top this evening in the music room upstairs working on our vacation videos, uploading them and editing them. I'm alone up here and my thoughts are starting to wander so i need to shut down...Now!

Until tomorrow - one step at a time. One Day at a time.