Hi there! I have posted in the past about my trouble and I am sorry to be back with it now, but I have received some reasonable responses here that helped me make my choices and do the right thing I believe. I have been dating this girl for a several months now. Sadly I'm at the point where I don't know what to think anymore about certain things. She is the sweetest person I have ever met, even compared to my previous girlfriends. Maybe even too sweet. She is really loyal, she's only been in 2 long term relationships that lasted several years. She's really beautiful and smart and I completely fell in love with her, so I am afraid I might not see the true colors here. We're really happy, but deep inside there are things bothering me. The biggest issue is that she is nice for everybody. She lets other people hurt her and walk all over her. She does it all the time. She's been trying to be friends with her ex boyfriend for a long time, he's been rude to her, calling her names, talking behind her back, what she has later found out and she came to me crying. I comforted her, but month later I saw that she's in touch with him again. She's been complaining to me about him allll the time during that period, yet she wanted to "try being friends". I talked to her and she made her mind to cut the contact with that toxic dude. Another thing is that it applies to other people who are shit to her, some of them she tells me in private that she doesn't like or annoy her, yet in social media or when she's around them she's telling them all the positive things and how much she loves them. Other example is that she is telling me that she doesn't feel good around certain people and it's not a good company for her and she is doing her best to get out of there, but then I see she acts like everything's perfect and wants their company, despite what she tells me. It's been making me feel like an idiot recently. Super annoyed on the inside because I brought that up once but seems like it doesn't matter, because her arguments are that this is not how things are and "I am different", yet I see that this continues. I care about her more because she has a constant condition where she is in pain almost all of the time, she gets depressed easily so I'm there to make her feel better if she needs me, but sometimes she can go days without talking to me. Not that I mind, I have other things going on and I can be pretty busy, but sometimes I feel like she doesn't care. Wouldn't want to start an argument with her about that, I would rather just walk away if I had to, but I'd want to hear an opinion from someone who can look at it objectively. I've been really happy while single and didn't have to be bothered by such things ,but right now I'm just getting annoyed because I am a complete opposite to "doormat" when comes to other people and I am somehow afraid that maybe I cannot trust her because she would manipulate me that way as well. Dunno...Any thoughts, please?
I probably shouldn't give advise but here's my thoughts anyways. The thing that stands out to me the most is the whole trying to be "friends" with her ex boyfriend. I personally would not have been comfortable with that. I also think it's a bit much that she wanted you to comfort her because her ex boyfriend didn't want to what exactly? Spend time with her, talk with her on the phone? Seems strange to me that she wanted to be in some kind of contact with her ex while she was dating someone else. In my opinion men and women can't ever really just be friends unless neither is attracted to each other. Also the being nice to everyone sounds really phony to me. Especially because she complains about them after the fact. I had a friend in high school that went through a phase were he seemed to want to be super nice and friends with everyone in school. I personally found it pretty annoying, but I never confronted him about it. Eventually he ended up growing out of the phase and returned to being a normal human being.
Her ex boyfriend was rude to her and treated her like dirt, yet she still tried being friends with him. They used to be friends before they started dating and it didn't work out after years so she wanted to keep him as a friend, still. She has many male friends, it doesn't really bother me at all. She's just letting everyone walk over her and use her and as you mentioned - sadly she has that high school mentality, where she wants to love everybody and wants everyone to be her friend, and she usually ends up hurt after all. It's been driving me crazy and i tried keeping cool head, but recently I started feeling like it's too much and I'm just worried I won't be able to be with someone like that. That's why I wanted to ask if I am just over analyzing it and I should let her be or does it seem like a real issue. I'm also often annoyed that if she doesn't want to do something she will try to look for excuse instead of saying it directly just so someone else doesn't feel bad (in her opinion), and she does this to me as well, and that's another thing that bothers me. I don't have much experience with girls, I've been in long term relationships previously and this is the first time with a girl like that, so I am a bit lost whether I am just a naive idiot and there is a serious issue or is this OK and I should let her live and be her own person, just ignoring her acting that way. I have to say I've been ignoring it for a while, but once it started getting into my head, I'm not sure how to handle it right now. Normally I would just walk away, but I do care about her, but I know talking to her about it won't change much, because I've tried...and this is who she is and I don't intend to change her. Thanks for your reply!
Ok, IMHO, this might not be the right relationship for you. It appears she is either a people pleaser or she is just not honest with herself. Remember, whatever drives you crazy about this girl now, imagine if you are married and the things that bother you will magnify tenfold. Think about it. You are working on a problem, she would either be very easy to manipulate or will lie to you about how it makes her feel. I'm not saying she is a bad person. I am just saying that this will probably become a serious problem. You need someone who is completely honest. Her behavior could be considered manipulative.... So, you have two choices. Sit her down and tell her how you feel about her behavior. If things stay the same, you either stay with her and put up with it or leave. Honestly, I am a little doubtful someone could change this but keep your fingers crossed. It may work out.
Hi, I'm going to be REAL with you, People that try to be perfect in their relation to others have to change PARADIGM. You don't seem to like her way to put up with problems. You seem to like honest people. She can change but she has to want it. It's like PMO addicted people that don't want to quit. Just being honest here but I think you should better leave.
