I need help please, getting or helping my husband to stop lying

I love the portion "people avoid confrontation when they are at a disadvantage." That resonates with me today

 

It's not your responsibility to bend over backwards to get the truth out of someone who married you. He's not telling you the truth b/c he doesn't respect you. It's hard to hear but it's true. It's not protection of your feelings. That's a cop out. It's a direct and purposeful action to lie to someone you promised to cherish.

Just my two cents.

 

I stopped lying when I saw how much I was hurting her, and myself, and our union.

I had the worst visions of what would happen if my wife ever found out about my destructive habits with pornography. I had vivid ideas of her leaving me, and of me starting over, divorced with a kid, having to share custody. I told my therapist at the time that it would be the worst thing in the world, and that I am utterly afraid of telling her. I was so afraid.

One night, when I could not take it any more - when therapy had given me the confidence I needed - I opened up to her about everything. She, some time later, opened up to me about everything she had been doing wrong. Never, in 12 years of marriage (now 13), were we so completely and brutally honest with each other. We decided to let the past be the past, and we started over that very night. This time, together. We are still working things out, and recently began couple's therapy.

To my great surprise and amazement, not only did she understand and accept me for who I am and what I did - but she has been supporting me and helping me out every single step of the way. There was never a time when I opened up to her and got a cold shoulder. We have had very difficult times, occasionally, but we manage to come out stronger EVERY time - why? because we are able to be honest, brutally honest, and because we have stopped lying to each other.

My worst visions turned out to be false. These stories I told myself were so persistent, they probably led me down some bad roads at times. I was so afraid of her reaction, so afraid of opening up to her, that I convinced myself that the best thing to do is continue suffering alone, in silence.

Except it wasn't silence. I became embittered, and angry, and down. I became someone who hurt her (not physically!), on a daily basis. I made her cry, and hate me, and hate herself. We were a real mess.