I literally don't know what reality is anymore

From the addict's side of things I just want to applaud you on setting up healthy boundaries as well as consequences for his actions. This tough love can feel hard from the addict's side of things but we really really do need that. Otherwise, there is a good chance that the spouse is just enabling our addictive behavior. I obviously can't speak to how hard it must be from the spouse's side to have to stick to your guns to carry out the consequences when the boundaries are broken but you must feel very torn in two.

I also wanted affirm your thought that you need to leave him to hit rock bottom. As hard as that probably feels, as I'm sure you don't want to see him get worse or spiral out of control, I've seen it all too many times in the men's support and accountability group that I lead. Many times it takes the addict hitting that rock bottom in order to shock the system enough to make the clean break needed, and provide the motivation it takes to be all in on the recovery process. I see many guys show up to our group for a few weeks or months, feel like they got it licked and are cured and off they go. Or they give it a half-hearted try just because the wife told them they need to come to the group and same thing, a few weeks go by, the heat settles down at home (if the spouse doesn't have boundaries and consequences for their actions in place) and suddenly they drop out of group. I can't tell you how many of those kinds of guys are right back in our group again at the same exact spot a few months to year's later. And so the cycles continues.

However, of the guys that I see that are the most serious, devoted, committed, put in the most amount of recovery work, and in turn are the most successful there are two things I've noticed that seems to be a common thread. It is that their spouse has employed boundaries and consequences for their actions and sticks to them. Many of the guys have had their spouse or g/f leave them and that was their rock bottom that has them in our group and so serious about getting help. For other guys their rock bottom was getting arrested (lewd behavior in public, soliciting a prostitute, possessing child p, etc.) or getting fired for viewing p at work.

The second thing that seems to be a big success indicator is whether the addict can admit that they can't do it on their own and are willing to humble themselves and cry out to other people to help them in recovery (this could be counseling, a support group, mentor, accountability partner, pastor, etc.) Notice that I didn't list their spouse. I don't feel their spouse should play a primary role in their recovery. It's not her role to fix him. A supporting role is fine and can help, but others need to come alongside and do the heavy lifting and help him help himself. Otherwise, you get into codependency realms and that's a whole other post.

As hard as it is for us to have to hit rock bottom, and I'm guessing for the SO to stick to their guns and then watch that happen, in many situations that is what it will take. I know that doesn't make it any easier on you and what you had to do with your fiancé. I can't imagine the pain you must be feeling and I'm thinking you must've felt stuck between a rock and hard place. I have a high level of respect for the tough call you made. I wish you all the best as you personally seek to heal, grow and take care of yourself first and foremost. Your fiancé will have to take care of himself and his issues. You can't do that, but you can work to be as whole and healthy as you can.

 

@forzaebellezza as if lying wasn't enuf of a betrayal...he made you doubt yourself. If we are crazy & paranoid & OCD...its only because they made us that way...initially neway...but I'm starting to realize that I'm just not dwn for the chase nemore ya kno? It takes a lot of work keeping tabs on my man...I'm tired...I've got 3 kids, a home, finishing up nursing school, a whole beautiful life to live...I can't even get him to admit he has a prob. I've tried many approaches to get him to open up like admitting my own simialr mistakes, even making up a few, I've left, I've physically cheated to get back at him....nothing works...nothing evens the score...and its ruined me...to my core.

 

I've been inside a few moments here, an hour or so there...then he forgets everything...anyrime I ever thought...ughh finally he gets it, he's right back to denial....I can't win I've tried everything...I know how to get inside but he won't let me stay there ya kno? The last thing for me to do is cut him off...sleep on the couch...ignore him the way he does me...no more sex, touching, nothing...I'm done...maybe a yr of that (until i grad & can support kids on my own) will cause him as much f* pain as he's caused me.

 

Thank you @Ted Martin, it means a lot to me to hear this from an addicts view. Thank you, thank you, thank you! Yes indeed, I feel like I´m stuck between a rock and hard place. I miss my fiance, I miss all the good things we did together, all the fun we had and I wonder if I was to tough on him. It feels good that you respect me for what I did, because he don´t. It´s tough, it´s really really tough. I´m not sure if he can see that this is tough love but I hope that he will see that in the future.

This thing with boundaries and consequences is something that I feel is really difficult. It seems so hard to set boundaries to an adult, even though I know that an addict isn´t an adult in his behavior and need boundaries. It feels good to hear what you have found out from people in your accountability group and that setting boundaries is good. Thank you also for telling that it´s not our role to fix the addict. Now when I´ve got perspective on our relationship I feel that I have gone to far in the fixing role. I have to focus on myself and my healing now and I promise that I will do that. Thank you once again. To me it was really healing to read your post.

 

@forzaebellezza I agree that must be really hard. For me, I know my wife is incredibly empathetic and caring with me. However, at the same time, I know that she has set healthy boundaries and consequences for what will happen if I act out. She's been clear about that. However, she's communicated those consequences to me and did so in a way that let's me know that she has set those in place not to be mean but because she loves me and the want the best for me and my recovery and also needs to be safeguarding herself from ongoing harm. So while it might seem a mixed message on the surface it's actually not. I know the motive behind her setting those boundaries is to protect her but also to help me with my recovery. Otherwise, if she didn't, it gets in to her enabling my behavior.

Communicating what is behind putting that in place is the crucial distinction in my mind. If it's only communicated that it's being done to protect herself I wouldn't see it as tough love and it could be something I might react more negatively toward or get defensive about. But since she explained that it was for the good of both of us, now it becomes easier for me to accept, understand and also respect her motives in that.

 

@forzaebellezza I'm not sure. Can you give us some more context in the workings of your marriage so we can better help you? Are things healthy outside of this problem with porn? Do you relate well in everyday life when this is not in the air between you?

If you feel that the issue is his porn habit and only that, then I would say that navigating through it as best you can one day at a time is the only solution. If these symptoms about communication, esteem & sexuality are part of the larger, overall context of your marriage as a whole, it's possible porn is just a symptom of a larger disconnect?

If it's the latter then the answer is therapy. I have advice on therapy, though as this is my second marriage as well. Insist on the therapist meeting you both alone as well as together. If your husband is on "communication lockdown" he won't reveal anymore with a therapist than he would if you two were fighting. He needs to spill his guts without you there.

 

Okay, I went back and read your original post. He's really trying and it sounds like there's a ton of improvement. I also missed the part where he quit drinking, which is awesome and critical ( I did too. 18 months! ). Also, your relationship sounds like it's pretty solid, fun and natural.

I'm also reading between the lines that he's a typical dude and is handling porn and addiction in the way we all do: two steps forward, one step back. We chalk up small victories and shrug when we stumble. I'm now also convinced that he finds you very attractive and is really into the sex life you have together.

Ok here's my less than educated assumption: he's becoming angry at the unbreakable connection you're making between the content in the videos ( read: the young, hot girls ) and your self esteem. He, like me and other guys who are addicted to PMO grow impatient with that because we refuse to see the connection. We see it like you're jealous of a pack of cigarettes or an eight-ball of coke or a glass of whiskey. His philosophy is "You're JUST as hot and satisfying to me as you've always been! This has nothing to do with you!" Am I right?

That's the challenge and it perpetuates a maddening cycle. He's avoiding discussing it with you because he thinks it's easier to just try and kick it without you involved. The addiction equation is easier for a guy to contain in his own little world because it involves fewer variables: The porn, the urges, relapses, mind games to quit, accepting failure and getting back on that horse. Wash and repeat. Once you get involved there are new variables: emotions, esteem, your feelings, fights, and worst of all the shame and humiliation. He would rather try and kick it without all that stuff because it's less overwhelming.

I don't know how you convince him that's it's better to quit with your oversight rather than without it. I am quitting without any spousal involvement. She likes me more right now but she doesn't know why, exactly. I might relapse. If I do I'll try again, and again and again.

Not sure if this helped. I'm hoping that this improves. It really looks like he's trying so I would advise patience more than anything. Also, have fun, adventurous, naughty sex together. That can't hurt.