Cool Day 1 My first 24 hours Yea Day 1 What a day, started tough with not going swimming with my buddies this morning since I mistakenly thought the water was too cold. My triggers are the morning before I shower checking email and everything else. But if I leave in the morning and swim I am much better. I had a nice email from an accountable buddy, that really helped me not feeling so alone.Then a couple of more came in that really made me feel stronger. But I must say I have been sitting here watching the clock for my 24 hour mark and yeh I have made it. The weekends are always easier for me since we are working on the house, I am very structured and focused, so that keeps me really busy, also my partners here so no side activities. It is 3 pm and I have spent my time journalling and reading post obsessively but at least I am not looking at P. So now I am going swimming, reward myself with a cold water swim and go look at the sharks, Thanks you guys for all being here and helping me through this. Cool Day 2 seeing some effects Day 2 Very interesting day went to a SA Sex anonymous meeting and listen to other guys who have lost a lot due to their sexual compulsions. Talked to one guy about a sponsorship who is hard core ,which I need but he insisting to go to all these meeting. My goal is to get off of the PMO roller coaster , stop wasting time and live my life, not to fill the time with traveling all around to all these meetings. No real issues to deal with since I was so busy. I am realizing I do have more focus when I am not looking at P. Went out with friends for dinner and had a gret time last night. When we got back I think my partner wanted to mess around however, the big guys just wasn't working, since I has only been 2 days. Never thought that this was a real issue but it is, that I get more stimulation from high speed porn than a live body. Question Day 3 Pbjohnny- insomnia all ready? Day 3 The day was frustrating, a house project I was working on did not go the way I wanted it to and I lost my patience and just stopped. Now it is the middle of the night and I cannot sleep. Usually I would just MO and go to sleep, but I am committed to my 30 days. Tonight in the jacuzzi my partner really did want to have sex last night and I knew I could not perform. Tonight we were tired from the time change, another missed opportunity of real love. Very frustrating
The start of Day 4 Morning Today is wild, so many temptations. I started with looking at SCRUFF, thinking the this is not porn it is a temptation to end in NSA and O but I use that for social chat since I am alone all day. I am trying to stay strictly for Chat and plutonic friends since my need for sex stems from "If I have sex they will be my friend" but you know that never works. Then I took a shower and wow the urge to MO was crazy, but got interrupted with a phone call, "saved by the bell" Then as I sit down to work looking for a job, a previous craigslist guy emails me over his penis looking to hook up, surprisingly I immediately said this is porn and deleted it, told him what I was doing with noFap, which I was very proud of and I am feeling really confident might be able to do this. One tool that I am using to stay clean is listening to the bible and everyday I listen to this verse and when I get the urge. I do not believe the M is wrong but M obsessively is wrong because I take away the love and affection away from my partner. "Ephesians 5 New International Version (NIV) 5 1 Follow God’s example, therefore, as dearly loved children 2 and walk in the way of love, just as Christ loved us and gave himself up for us as a fragrant offering and sacrifice to God. 3 But among you there must not be even a hint of sexual immorality, or of any kind of impurity, or of greed, because these are improper for God’s holy people. 4 Nor should there be obscenity, foolish talk or coarse joking, which are out of place, but rather thanksgiving. 5 For of this you can be sure: No immoral, impure or greedy person—such a person is an idolater—has any inheritance in the kingdom of Christ and of God.[a] 6 Let no one deceive you with empty words, for because of such things God’s wrath comes on those who are disobedient. 7 Therefore do not be partners with them."
The start of Day 4 Morning Today is wild, so many temptations. I started with looking at SCRUFF, thinking the this is not porn it is a temptation to end in NSA and O but I use that for social chat since I am alone all day. I am trying to stay strictly for Chat and plutonic friends since my need for sex stems from "If I have sex they will be my friend" but you know that never works. Then I took a shower and wow the urge to MO was crazy, but got interrupted with a phone call, "saved by the bell" Then as I sit down to work looking for a job, a previous craigslist guy emails me over his penis looking to hook up, surprisingly I immediately said this is porn and deleted it, told him what I was doing with noFap, which I was very proud of and I am feeling really confident might be able to do this. One tool that I am using to stay clean is listening to the bible and everyday I listen to this verse and when I get the urge. I do not believe the M is wrong but M obsessively is wrong because I take away the love and affection away from my partner. "Ephesians 5 New International Version (NIV) 5 1 Follow God’s example, therefore, as dearly loved children 2 and walk in the way of love, just as Christ loved us and gave himself up for us as a fragrant offering and sacrifice to God. 3 But among you there must not be even a hint of sexual immorality, or of any kind of impurity, or of greed, because these are improper for God’s holy people. 4 Nor should there be obscenity, foolish talk or coarse joking, which are out of place, but rather thanksgiving. 5 For of this you can be sure: No immoral, impure or greedy person—such a person is an idolater—has any inheritance in the kingdom of Christ and of God.[a] 6 Let no one deceive you with empty words, for because of such things God’s wrath comes on those who are disobedient. 7 Therefore do not be partners with them."
The end of Day 4 The end of the day went very well, I did have issues with Scruff, kept looking at it since I am always looking for people to chat with, but once I was committed to putting it down, did some work and got away from the computer I was fine. One tool that helped yesterday was I committed to start painting by 2pm though it took me to three to start I interrupted my routine of staying on the computer it worked great. I also went to a SA meeting in the Gay section of town, which can be a trigger, but it was very therapeutic and good to see in person other normal guys sharing their experiences.
Hey Pbjohnny, sounds like you're doing a good job identifying triggers. I have to stay off scruff and grindr. Even though there are no nude pics, I only went there to hook up and even chatting w/o looking for a hook up was always sexual in tone and nature. But you're doing great!
We will see how scruff works out, I am keeping it for the next week to see if I can handle it responsibly . Thanks for the support
I am starting feel that way too, my profile is all clean, mentions my partner, monogamous and I still get sent over picture. But on the positive note I have been very strong is not returning pictures, and ending the conversation. Since I work alone all day it is nice to chat with guys every now and then.
