So I've been lurking on this site for awhile now. I decided about two months ago after I hit bottom with my sexual addiction that got me into a scary situation that I now view as a wake up call that I have to change my behaviors. I realized now that it was my fapping to porn that led me to seek out anonymous hookups. At first it was cool then I wanted more & I became less selective & it got to the point where I didn't care what she looked like then I didn't care if it was a TS then I didn't care if it was a CD then finally I didn't care if it was another dude slobbering on it. I didn't want any conversation or relationship. I've forgotten how to approach normal chicks just to talk. I have no idea how I could ever be a good lover let alone a good Boy friend. I see chicks as sexual objects & if I want to get hard I have to pretend they are someone from a porn I thought was hot or my favorite was watching porn while getting blown with zero connection or care to the person doing it. Eventually the porn got more hardcore until I was infatuated with S&M stuff. In HS I remember the wrestling coaches saying "no women" during the season, to turn that testosterone I to aggression on the mat. I took it to heart & abstained even from faping & I really didn't start viewing porn till I started college. So I have been a "fapstranaut" before although I didn't know it then. It was easier with full days & no real opportunity to fap & then just being wasted at the end of practice. But I remember what it was like being so focused & goal oriented & having an energy that I've been lacking. So it's been like 2 months since I quit cruising Craigslist & other sites daily & hooking up with any warm mouth. I look back & I'm so disgusted. But the temptation is horrible I thought ok if I fap to porn than at least that's better than hooking up with a total stranger, ussually a guy they are easier to find, yeah I was that desperate. But when I fap I start to think about about looking for a real encounter. I know now that if i continue to fap I will go there again. So I'm trying to quit two addictions faping & anonymous hookups. I realize now that they are connected that fapping led me into a downward spiral. I want to be the person I used to be. Happy, chill focused honor student athlete with lots of friends. I've become like a hermit all I want to do is surf the web for that new " high" my grades suffer, I quit working out (back at it now) I'm like a slug & I know what I have to do. I'm sure I'll relapse, although I hope I can go more than the week or so I've been doing as a lurker. I guess I'm just looking for support & maybe other guys to help me through it. Thanks brahs in advance.
You r a hero for being here and spilling your guts and your story with us. I will support u however u need it. I also went the male hookup route. Lots of great orgasms, all of which sucked afterwards. You will suçeede. You sound like a great popular well loved high schooler who got diverted in college. You r now getting back on track for a fantastic recovery. Much success. FW
Great post Will. You probably will fall a few times, but try not to take it too seriously. All these counters and ticking clocks in people's signatures just makes me tense. We cant define ourselves by 'not fapping'. We need to find positive, healthy pursuits that incidentally mean that fapping no longer has such a power over us. Same is true for filters etc. I just use google safesearch because I know that if I really want to PMO, i'll find a way. It's taken me ages, but i've realised that if nofap doesnt come from the heart, then it's useless. You need to kill the desire at the core. That will be a thorny, bumpy road at first, but it gets better. But you really articulated the fight well in your post - this overwhelming 'spiritual' emptiness that we face today, and the desperate need to fill it with everything, anything, using more 'outrageous' stuff every time, just to feel something. But it's just a black friggen hole and will never be satisfied by sex, money, power, any of that. I'm tempted to say that you've shone a light on the whole homosexual movement too, as something fundamentally unhealthy, whether it comes from nature or nurture, though i'm sure many would disagree. But man, we've been so cheated by our culture. At least you've made the decision to enter the Matrix...
Thanks for the replies. I really thought I was alone until I came a cross this site awhile back. So far I have been successful at avoiding hooking up, about 2 months now which is huge for me because for probably over the last year and a half I had at least one Hookup a week. But the time it took to search and arrange it was just enormous. Instead of studying in the library I would be answer maybe a 2 dozen ads & emailing back & forth trying to set it up. Just hours and hours wasted doing that then there was the porn & fapping or edging to the porn while I searched or waited for that next hooku which wasted hours & hours more each week. Then yeah a great orgasm or two & then wham I went into an almost depression. I would be so disgusted about what I had just done especially if it was with a TS/CD a dude. I would swear it off then the next day be looking at porn and edging constantly then I would begin to look again and the cycle repeated. I'm trying to emulate my life pre-porn/fapping by stayng busy & being around people. I have been working out first thing in the am. I have to literally jump up out of bed & get going so I ignore that constant morning hard on that is so tempting to satisfy. It's like my body is conspiring against me. But if I just get up & go I'm good. Then I often do a second workout in the afternoon or just go for a run. So far I have found that the two things that work are working out & being around people so I'm not secluded in my room. It's been really tough. I can not stop getting constantly hard with just the slightest thought or like in the paper this am. I wasn't even reading it I was at Starbucks after the gym & I glanced at a paper that was advertising women's swim suits & wham instant hard on. I just don't know how to control this. 3 days & it's just killng me. I am actually find spending time here on this site keeps me thinking like a person. & not a freak sex machine. Thanks for listening & helping.
i can relate in many ways to what you're saying. the shame and lonliness, the feeling of being twisted and weird (When we're not, truly not - we just are lacking a bit of control that is easy to gain back). stay strong, you're young, you have so many blissful years ahead and you'll be great - just stay away from the habits that make you feel bad.
Sounds like youre coming back to life Will. Remember Plato and the cave: when we were chained in the cave, watching porn made from shadows behind a small fire, that's what we thought reality was. Life was just about being dragged in front of these 'entertainments' by our addictions that kept us quiet, passive and easily dominated. If we had suddenly found ourselves outside the cave and in sunlight, we would hate it, be blind and want to return to the false reality in the cave. But the difference for us is that we now know the reality and it's bright and full of freedom. Some take a slower journey out of the cave than others - readjusting their eyes to the truth - while others still turn back, for now, preferring a prison even though they could be free. So give yourself time to readjust your eyes, your heart and your brain to the real world. It's not dark and lonely, full of false pleasures, chains and manipulation; it's bright, varied and fresh; a world where you can feel true joy and happiness again. Seriously, it will get easier, even if you do turn your back on the exit a few times. Make sure to stay positive, share, laugh and find good things to enjoy.
