Decided to break the cycle

Oh boy, where to even begin. I've been without porn for 12 days now. This is, from what I hear, usually a part where people break, and now I know why. It's easy to boast your awesomeness until you get to the same part. There are several reasons why I decided to break the cycle, even though all of them might be excuses.

First reason I am doing this is because I've started the challenge on an impulse. I saw somewhere "You are a beta when you watch porn. BE ALPHA!!!" and I thought "I wanna be Alpha... I'LL BE ALPHA". That's how it started. I was not familiar with NoFap and YBOP at the time. What is more, I haven't prepared the terrain for additional progress of my own personality. I wanted to go to a gym, but then I remembered that I went to gym million times. I simply became bored of it. I want to train something, but I don't know what. Other thing which I didn't prepare was my diet. I am fat, and I like eating. In my family, if you didn't eat fast you didn't eat at all. I wanted to go to a nutritionist to fix my diet, but problem is that I have no nutritionist here. Diet is second haven't prepared. Third, I didn't prepare my closure. If there is anything, and I mean ANYTHING I hate, it's doing something without closure. Not 2-3 days before this challenge I discovered I had condition called phimosis. I won't get into details, but there is a way to fix it, and it's not by abstinence. Another thing I didn't prepare was closure on erotic novel I was reading. Story was really good and I wanted to see it all, but I always postponed it, and that's been driving me insane from the very beginning of this challenge. Other reason why I am doing this is because in about 2 weeks, my mom is going on a trip which lasts 7 days. I will be completely home alone with nothing to do. Furthermore, a person I hate will come to live in the same room as I am soon after that. If I don't break by then, that's when I will. If I know that will happen, then I don't want to wallow in self pity when I do it. If I am to fail, I will fail on my own terms.

That's my reasoning, my justification. The why I need another fix and why I'll do it. I am very afraid of responses. I know people will say "Don't fail, keep it going" and that I'll be judged. One part of the reason why I am posting this thread is because I want confirmation from your side for what I am doing. I may or may not get it, but I know this is something I know needs to be done. Other reason is to be sure of what I am doing myself. When unprepared, I always preformed poorly in whatever aspect of my life. In 20 years I have lived, when not guided properly I always failed first time I tried anything. It's simply an extreme flaw of my personality, something I will have to overcome in the future. I just don't know how, but I'll get there, one step at the time.

If anyone who is still going strong with this challenge is reading this, DO NOT LET ME DISCOURAGE YOU IN THE SLIGHTEST. What you are doing is great. It's beautiful. It's strong. Don't you dare allow yourself to fail.. I am not doing this because I am weak for the challenge, I am doing it because it's my personality flaw which is applied to every field of my life - My school, my work, my addictions. This is not the first time it happened, and it will happen again. The reason I know that next time will work is because I overcame addiction to one medicine I was taking, and this is exactly the same.

Everyone, thank you for everything you did for me. Next time I will start the challenge is June 1st. These 12 (13 days, I plan to break it tomorrow) have actually been really insightful. I carry a lot of experience from what I've done here. It may not be much and may have ended in failure, but it's not a complete loss. That's the reason I am not discouraged to do this again.

P.S. This is a big essay, another flaw of mine. Please, when you post here, be gentle and supportive. I've had a really hard day so I can't handle judgment.

 

Well, done it. I felt nothing, literally. Emotionally speaking, I was dead. Was not disappointed that I broke the cycle or that I masturbated. But there were few things I realized after this session, uncovered something new I wouldn't if I hadn't done this. I need to rethink on what it is I am trying to accomplish, make a complete list on subjects I want to closely follow improve. I know for sure that to combat the addiction, I need not only to stop watching porn or cut down social media, I need to get of computer and internet completely. It's like being a crack addict and you try to break the addiction by looking at drugs. It's impossible over the long time.

 

Another day has passed. I think I may have PIED. At least, my erection is completely connected to P. Also TMS. Man, I fucked myself up big time. It just keeps getting better and better. Another thing I can see is how I feel now. Compared to that 12 day streak of NoFap, I may have felt horny but I felt free. Now I am just boggled down with all the sense of guilt, like I have to make excuses to everyone for what I am doing. There is definitely a big difference between the two. I also have much harder time controlling the problems I had before I started the streak. At the same time as that I started going to bed on time, writing in journal before I sleep, showering about 2 hours before sleep preparations. There are many more, but now they are just so hard to do. I lost the will. My addiction runs deep. Uprooting it won't be an easy task. But I'll have to do it, for certain. As soon as I know for sure that I've had proper closure and clear destination in mind.