Brand new to this site and my first post. Up until three months ago I was happily married with two beautiful daughters. It took three months to find out just how bad of a situation my husband was in. First I found out about the affair with our close friends wife, then I found out that the affair started on our wedding night. (we just got married in November 2015 and have a 5 year old and 2 year old) After seeing a counselor we discovered he had an addiction to porn and after I had done a little more digging it was discovered this affair wasn't the first. He had a relationship with a woman for 8 months after our first daughter and multiple random bar-hookup partners between the two longer term affairs. In our 7 year long relationship he was only faithful for about 3 in the middle. We are both seeing counselors now and are going to a couples counselor. He is seeing a specialist for his addiction and I am going to someone who specializes in the partners of an addict. We are 7 days into his first "hard mode" reboot. I have never felt so alone or isolated. When I get caught in an emotional spiral I often find myself feeling like I somehow ended up with the worst care scenario. And yet, new things keep coming up. (I found out there was more than just the one affair only a week ago.) I'm told by my counselor that the things he tells me about how he felt about me and how he felt about the other woman lines up perfectly with what often drives an addict to do the things they do. I'm here and posting for support from some understanding people. I love my husband. Stories and words of hope seem like something that would be beneficial to me right now.
So sorry to hear about the affairs, and the affairs (and the affairs!) There is hope. And you're allowed to wait for him to PROVE himself to you before you can trust him again. I am glad you're out here.
Welcome to NoFap! I was devastated reading your story. For a moment, I caught myself thinking "Wow, what a Jerk!", but then I had to admit meekly that I wasn't any better than him. From the 10 years of my marriage, I wasn't even faithful for a single month. Having an affair or secretly watching porn or (sex-)chatting with strangers are basically the same thing from the addiction's point of view, and only differ in the way the partner deals with it. But there is still hope. I can't express how liberating and exciting the first 3 weeks of my own reboot felt. My wife admitted that I turned into the man she fell in love with in the first place again, and our relationship improved in every possible aspect. I can't promise that it will be the same for you, but an honest reboot effort is the best bet you have right now. If you haven't done already, visit YBOP to learn about the underlying mechanics of porn addiction. There are also many articles about reconnecting and resparking your love during or after a reboot. I don't want to excuse his actions, but we all did things we are ashamed of under the PMO influence, against better judgement. This addiction is insidious, and in many cases, it's impossible to fight against it on your own. Your husband needs your support more than ever before, and he's worth it more than ever before. Don't let the addiction ruin you just yet! Demand brutal honesty from him, he owes you that much. His mind will constantly try to find loopholes to feed the addiction. Simply refraining from PMO during a reboot won't be enough, he has to actively fight the flashbacks and the fantasies, find a way to keep him occupied with working out or meditation or a new hobby. Thank you for sharing, and please keep us updated on your journey. Feel free to check out my story as well. All the best for you and your family, and stay strong!
@Bluebird did your husband confess about the affairs or did you have to "catch" him? If he willingly confessed then I think that shows that at least part of him wants to make a change...
@noexcuses has a valid point. I agreed on counseling before after my wife caught me red-handed many years back, but as I wasn't ready to make an honest effort, that money went to waste and only resulted in me trying to cover my tracks more carefully.
The ultimate question is who does your husband blame for the porn, affairs and betrayal of his wedding vows? If he blames himself, then maybe with a lot of hard work on your terms, the marriage may be salvageable. If he blames you for his actions, then get a divorce. He is incorrigible. You deserve better.
@ChangeMattersToMe Thank you so much for your encouragement and support! Everything you said seem spot on to how he describes how he feels and what he is going through. I had admitted to my counselor that as much as I hate saying that I could see us coming out of this a better, stronger, more loving couple than we ever were before, I think that is a big part of why I am still working through it with him. I completely agree that he needs me now more than every. Thank you SO much for the advice and the link, I will take a look for sure. @noexcuses He had to be caught I had to find out about the two affairs on my own. (at two different times) He did tell me about the others in between when I told him that I assumed there were more after finding out about the second affair. He told me that he thought I would leave him if I found out about the second affair. I told him he was done making decisions for me and I needed to know everything. I think it might be a while before I am trusting enough to feel that I actually know everything. @Veritech he blames no one but himself, that is for sure. I went through a phase were I wanted to blame the other woman and I needed him to blame her and hate her too. While he in no way defended her, he very much owned up to the fact that he did what he did because in that moment its what he wanted.
Ownership of his actions is important. Even though the addiction messed up his brain and made it harder everyday for him to come up with thoughts of reason, it's not the addiction that cheated on you, it was him. The moment I realized that I'm not the victim, but my wife is, I started working on myself. I dearly hope that your husband comes to that point soon, if he hasn't reached it already.
Having caused similar harm to my wife, here's my 2 cents. My wife read my journal, which was a complete inventory as I could recall (I was secretly attending 12/s meetings). Pages and pages with details. Yet I still cannot recall all details of my past. Just when I think I've exhausted a full accounting, I might remember something that didn't make it on the list. My guilt and shame over this phenomena has resulted in me accepting responsibility over events/behaviors that I don't sincerely believe I was a party to, yet I cannot say for certain I wasn't because I feel so ashamed and just want to been seen as willing and repentant. I am told this isn't some flaw in me, and that it's quite common in those that are like me. If you desire a full disclosure, it may be beneficial and preferable to delay the details until he's had some time to consider them over the daily drip you're getting. At some point with my wife, we shifted all disclosable conversations to therapy. We then defined WHAT was considered disclosable, as I would end up disclosing details on my sexual thoughts/impulses that were ultimately deemed normal yet hurtful nonetheless because of the past trauma. Then, later, we set the slate clean in terms of the past and all that matters is today moving forward.
Hi Bluebird & a warm welcome to you. You are not alone, that's for sure. I can only imagine how it must have been for you, finding out about your husband's double life. You might also gain real encouragement talking to other members such as @oreogirl - it takes a lot of courage & strength to do what you are doing & you will find people here really respect you for that. It's good that he has started a hard "reboot". It's going to take lots of hard work & determination from him, to overcome his addiction & a strong commitment to be 100% honest with you in future. Make sure you set clear boundaries & expectations. Us addicts can be damn selfish, which causes us to make weak, self-serving choices. Strength to you, warrior woman. T22.
