Hey guys, It's been a while since I've written on this site. I'm not sure I'm at the best place, but I don't have anyone to talk about this and I know that the community here gives great support so here I am. Introduction: I moved in with my girlfriend last december and we've hit one year together in February. Our relationship is awesome and we really get along well. We're starting to plan a future together and we're both quite enthousiastic about it. The only thing that sucks at the moment is the sex, or lack thereof. I've been trying to quit porn for good for almost 2 years and I've done some progress. My longest clean streak was about 30 days, and I know that when I regularly have sex (say at least once a week), I don't really need porn and I don't miss it. But some health issues occured in the last months that has put our sex life on hold for an indefinite amount of time. My girlfriend had an ectopic pregnancy with ruptured fallopian tube. She had to have an emergency surgery because of the internal bleeding; they removed the embryo and her left fallopian tube. The surgery went well but the recovery was slow. She was 7 weeks off work and just started again last monday. She's still tired but she's been in a good mood for the last 2-3 weeks I'd say. It was a really hard experience physically and mentally. I did my best to be supportive and to bewith her as much as possible. I'm finishing graduate school so my schedule was quite flexible and I managed to go to pretty much every doctor appointment along the way. I also managed the food, the cleaning and general life around the appartment until mid-april or until she got better and I was late for school assignments at the end of semester. I've kind of put my life on hold during that time. It was a hard experience for me too but it was an easy decision to make everyday (helping her, being there for her) for I love her very much. And she's been quite thankful. Now, on why I'm writing all this and seek support: I wish I didn't crave sex so much, but I guess I have a somewhat high libido. My girlfriend and I got intimate maybe 4 times (max) in the last 8 weeks (since the surgery). Mostly touching and MO. We've tried full intercourse once about 3-4 weeks after the surgery and she started crying because it hurt and because of the emotional overwhelm of the recent event. I think she was (and is up to this day) still scared and I understand. We weren't trying to concieve and her IUD failed (1/1000 chance!). We had no idea of the situation until we got to the hospital because of her huge abdominal pain. Plus, she didn't react really well to some of the medicine during the recovery... Anyways. As understanding as I tried to be, I was still horny. I tried to be sensitive and very careful with the moves I was making but generally, she's been refusing anything sexual. I know I can get her off quite well once we get into it, so I've mostly been "giving" a lot for the few last times we got intimate. She also "gave" but it always felt reluctant and distant. We've talked about the general situation. She knows I have a lot of "desire" as we like to put it and she's sorry she's not in the mood. Other times she tells me she finds I think about sex a lot and a sometimes too much. I end up apologizing most of the time because I don't want to put any pressure on her. I just wish to have the sex life we had a while back. For the last 2-3 weeks I've been feeling a little blue. I had a lot in my mind with the end of her recovery, with all my school assingments and having to find my first "real" job this summer. Since my girlfriend was getting better, she's been quite supportive and I'm happy she's there for me. She even made me an awesome Darth Vader cake for my birthday about 2 weeks ago and gave me cool presents. Even after all that I just feel bad I want sex so much at this point. Well I think I want it, I'm confused. I've relapsed (PMO) a 3-4 times during the last few weeks. I know I still want to quit porn and solo sex. I've even talked to her about me MOing next to her in bed if I was horny and she wasn't in the mood, but she didn't really like that idea (I heard it on a podcast, it's a sex tip for couples struggling with different libidos). I feel shallow to say all this, but I find it hard to live with her (and everything that comes with that) without sex. Still we don't fight and argue politely only when necessary. But I'm starting to feel sad and lonely and still horny, without much opportunity to get off. I daydream a lot when I'm with her (she notices it) and the only things that make me happy at the moment are: seeing friends, our first and new barbecue, and the bike I'm planning to get for commuting around the city this summer. Anyone here in a similar situation? Thanks a lot for reading!!
Hello Rookie Wookie, My husband and I didn't have this situation, but the way I see it, y'all have two issues: 1) the trauma of the ectopic pregnancy, probably has her thinking, "Is sex even safe anymore?" 2) the issue of your PMO, probably has her thinking, "Is he even safe anymore?" When you combine the two, with a subtle pressure for her to perform or else you'll pmo again, it would be extremely confusing for most women. I am glad you are so loving, giving and caring for her in this situation. Great Job. I am also glad you see the shallowness of how you're kinda okay with your desire trumping hers when she's in this emotionally fragile state. Having said that, I have a gut feeling this is the next stage in your growth… seeing how that shallowness may harm your future relationships could make you even more able to create an even healthier relationship with her and others in your life. Seeing how the shallowness is driven by the same thing that keeps you relapsing will make you even better at not relapsing. (Does that make sense?) I am thankful you have other things that can make you happy right now, instead of PMO and pressuring her to give in. You said you daydream: does she know you're dreaming about the things you listed and not other women? It will be really helpful in her healing to know when this is true. OTHER THAN THAT, I wrote some stuff out on the "Sexless Relationship, anyone?" Thread. I'll copy it here but you may want to check that whole thread out. (sorry that my response is so long… here it goes.) -- I'm new to this thread but I have SOME IDEAS: I haven't done a lot of work with people in this area and we never had this issue between us, but I'll throw this out here and hope for the best. Now, I am sure not all of these will work for every situation, so proceed at your own risk: 1) For the Married Men with open lines of communication: I had a realization some time ago that when we stand at the altar and 'for better or worse, in sickness and in health,' we usually think in terms of "I will do my best to take care of you if you get sick." What if it's also, "I will do my best to take care of you when I get sick." You could, carefully, run this thought by your wife to get her to open up to the idea of sex with you again… then both of you could work on making it enjoyable for both partners. 2) For men with Menopausal Women: I heard a stat a long time ago… At menopause, 20% of menopausal women have an increase in libido, 20% have a decrease, and 60% stay the same. So for the 60%, I think there are lots of women whose libido decreases, not for physiological reasons, but for relationship ones. And almost nothing can take the wind out of her libido's sails like porn, so consistently let her know how much you are being proactive about that issue in your own life. 3) For men with Women with Low Libidos: If she's given you the go ahead to pmo, and you want sex with her instead, lher know that. Then on days when she's particularly striking, let her know that, as well. Give a big compliment and let her know you will be thinking about her later on during your session. -If the issue of her wanting you to pmo instead of being together is brought up, just let her know it pales in comparison to being with her. -For me and many women, the biggest aphrodisiac is knowing my man desires me… really desires ME. Nothing aligns our moods more quickly than that!!! -When she does want to have sex with you, YOU HAVE TO MAKE SURE SHE'S HAVING A GOOD TIME. I wouldn't want to have sex with my husband anymore if I just felt he was masturbating into me! 4) For Women who get turned down by your significant other: Contact me in a conversation. I'd write it out here, but it could trigger someone. 5) For those whose SO has physical issues: This depends on the physical limitation. (Just know I really empathize with those of you who are trying to stay sexually dedicated to her alone. My heart goes out to you noble men! Just know you have a better chance sexually reconnecting with your SO if you remain in this mode, because your nobility is a much bigger turn on than what she will see as somewhat-understandable infidelity, if you turn to porn.) Since physical issues vary case by case, keep reading. 6) For All: Ask if you can revisit the conversation of sex with them, asking them, "What would have to happen for you to want to start having sex again? What would be the perfect scenario for you?" Then to bring this about, have her research new ideas. I'd tell you to do it, but this could work against you if you're trying not to PMO. -Also, ask her if there was something you tried inside the bedroom or did outside the bedroom that turned her off. OR was there something you asked for that turned her off. This happens a lot, I've seen. Women who've not seen much porn can be shocked at what seems normal to some men--shocked to the point of shutting down because the guy's request begins an eternal debate within her, "I can be true to myself and not give in, or I can be a 'good SO' and give in." Shutting down to sex may be easier for her. Either way, blessings on your efforts to reconnect with your SO!!! -- Hope this helps you, Rookie Wookie
Hey lfromcr, Thanks a lot for the kind reply! I appreciate you taking the time to read my long text! I know you are right on point no.1. The way we talked about it after ending our last "4th-base" sex (where she cried), she was really concerned about the situation happening again. I'm sure this fear is the main thing blocking her from engaging into anything sexual since the surgery. I guess it could go on for a while too. I have to be patient. As for point no.2. We've discussed the PMO habbit a while back. At first, she said she was ok with it, but she asked me a few months later if I was still watching. I said I pretty much stopped even though it wasn't a clear answer. I don't think she compares herself to what I was seeing in porn (she's not doing anything she's not comfortable with), but it could also be that she is. I haven't thought about that since she told me a while back that she was ok with it. Anyways, PMO is not what I'm looking for; it's just what was most accessible during the last weeks. I was quite stressed and felt a lot of pressure. A pressure that we (sex addicts? porn addicts?) can seem to "release" through orgasm (PMO or MO). I also have a concern about the future. We may be TTC within the next 2 years for her IUD will expire and she's pretty much ready to have a baby. She has a stable job, and I'm almost there. I think I am ready too, just concerned about the money though. But what will happen when her sex drive lowers before and/or after child birth? If she's not interrested in helping me with my "needs" at the moment, will she ever want to pleasure me in the future? Realistically speaking, the time where couples have the most sex is before having kids (I suppose) and perhaps once they're grown up? I'm afraid to have a low sex life, seing all the posts in the sexless relationships. It's awful and sad. I'm also afraid to talk to her about that because it would seem like pressure on her to do more... Hopefully in the next few weeks, once she get back into her work schedule beat and once the weather gets a little warmer, she'll be more motivated to be intimate!
All that's coming to mind right now is: Give her time to recover, find out what her best-case-sexual-scenario is during her recovery time would be, and find out what this best case for her would be for her going forward. Then eventually (after she's better from the miscarriage) come up with an agreement. EX: My hubby and I agreed 20 years ago how often a week we were both good with, and agreed what legitimate things would cause it to slow down, AND what we would do if we didn't have sex that often (we agreed to see a sex therapist, but never had to follow through on that in our case)… what it could mean for us short-term and long-term. Then it's a matter of keeping to the agreement. Hope this helps.
CONTINUING FROM MY LAST POST (Now, if I seem a little rough, just remember it's for the benefit of what you say you want: you want this woman in your life!): (A) You may be picking up on subtle cues (and for some guys, this is Huge! . Depending on how she asked about it 'a few months later', I bet you're picking up on a tone that said she's not really all that okay with it. That she'd rather you not be into it. So GREAT JOB! And this leads me to my next point. (B) If she's not into it, I go back to the first point (2) in my initial post: She may be wondering, "Is he safe WHEN he gets stressed," because wise women know real relationships + real life creates tons of stress for both partners. It's AWESOME that PMO isn't what you're looking for, but, to her, it is probably not a moot point that you went there under stress. And I know you don't want to pressure her, but if it's either she performs even if she is still in a very fragile state, or you turn to women in porn… she will probably be feeling pressured. If this is how you feel, be careful that she doesn't feels she's just there for you to masturbate into. (C ) TTC? (D) What happens if her sex drive lowers? -It depends on if you're a guy who defines his masculinity by the amount of sex he has. -It depends on if you're a guy who thinks he doesn't have to do anything and his wife should suddenly be interested in sex. -It depends on if you're a guy who does the research to find out how women in general, and how she in particular, get turned on outside the bedroom. -It depends on if you're a guy who realizes how the ebb and flow of her cycle, and of her life (with menopause) affect her own libido. -It depends on if you're a guy who understands that she wants to be away from the kids sometimes, too, and if her guy would only take her out and romance her on a regular basis, he may increase his chances for have a sex-full marriage… you know, with her! Many guys who complain of a sexless marriage (many but not all) don't know there are things they could do to get her in the mood. Clearing up the PMO is a huge step in the right direction, but more work is needed. Notice how many of them talk about their sex needs, not her intimacy needs--which makes me wonder if they're missing half of the equation to make up their own healthy sexuality. So what happens when her sex drive lowers? It depends on if you have a relationship that's based on more than the basics, how much work you will do to meet her needs outside the bedroom. AND, OF COURSE, it depends a lot on her own view of what a healthy sexual relationship looks like, which is why I wrote what I did in the last comment. It depends a lot on if you views match up on this. (If you think your "satisfied libido" will remain at that level of importance for you, I would be wary of committing long term if your views didn't match up.) OVERALL though, guy, you are on the right track! Clearing out the PMO will do wonders for your relationship--it's an obvious place to start. Above, it may seem like I think your 'satisfied libido' is all that matters to you. I truly don't' think that's the case--at all! You seem very kind and caring of her, and willing to be patient. You're also ahead of the game when it comes to wanting to wrestle this PMO monster. You have my respect--there aren't many guys out there who are seeking the same things you are!!!
Wow! Thanks again for the great reply! Lots of interresting and valid points. I'll try to clarify anything blurry here: (C) TTC = trying to concieve. Acronym apparently used in pregnancy forums. (not sure how I got there lol). But my girlfriend is ready to start next year, once her IUD expires and gets removed. I guess I'll be more ready once I'll be able to provide financially. I'm sad to say this but, even though she's not even pregnant, I wish we had more time to 'enjoy' each other before a baby comes along. Now on this part of your message: Thank you for believing in me!! It truely warms my heart! I know it seems like my 'satisfied libido' is all what matters in my life, but I came here to talk about this.. I have other challenges going on at the moment, professionally mostly, and finding my place in the world if I can put it this way. But I think I'm handling these things correctly for the moment. Even though it's a little hard to put up with, I appreciate you opening my eyes on how my partner might feel. I guess I'll probably talk to her about this once I'm ready, which I'm not yet. I have to think about what I have done that might hurt her and understand where I went selfishly. Thinking back on my past and current relationships, I remember lots of moments feeling sad/angry about not having a 'satisfied libido' and wondering if I made a good choice commiting to this person. Thinking about long term 'unsatisfied libido' seemed sad and even though I never made a move about looking for other partners, I have to admit that I thought about a few times. I don't feel good about these moments. I used to think that I made most the moves to initiate intimate moments (leading to sex) and that I was the only one shut down. Maybe I wasn't always doing the good moves to get her in the mood, but I don't think I've ever said no whenever she made a move. I used to think that I was working hard to 'manage my libido' and respect my partner's feelings, sacrificing my desires, pulsions, needs, over theirs. I used to think that they wouldn't do the same effort back. I don't know how much of this is true, on either side, but it's still a shame for me to have thought that I was the only one doing all the work and that I should have been 'acknowledged' or 'rewarded' later on, with more sex. I also have to understand that, just because I was having selfish thoughts and perhaps behaving selfishly, doesn't mean that they were behaving perfectly either. But of course, the equilibrium of satisfaction and work-sharing in a couples is a long quest for most couples. I guess also it's hard to know when it's too much of something or not enough (tipping point)... ----------------------- The first few months of a new relationship are awesome for the sex and novelty and excitement. I guess in my head I thought it would stay like that forever... at least I hoped. I like to believe my libido is still close to this level. I remember at the very beggining telling my girlfriend that 3x a day was a perfect frequency. I know it's unrealistic for the long term. Right now I'd be happy with 3x a week but I guess even more realistically, I could expect something like 3x a month once she heals completely. I haven't been in a relationship longer than 2 years yet, so these are my struggles at the moment. I can't say that it won't get harder in the future for I don't have the experience, but I appreciate you giving me all these advices and comments. I'd be happy to hear (read) you react to what I just wrote too!! It really feels good to talk about this!
Consider having that conversation with her. It sounds like you have enough questions/hesitation ($ / possible lowered libido / more time to enjoy each other) that it's worth waiting until both of you are ready. The a baby doesn't need a daddy's resentment before it's even born--trust me! When you are ready, let me know. I may have some pointers for you to make it go easier, so you can contact me if you want. Bad conversations created a HUGE wedge between my hubby and I, so we've learned a bunch about how to have the difficult conversations. See, this is why I think you're going to do well in all this! Then you DEFINITELY need to have the conversation I mentioned in an earlier post with her, about your 'sexpectations', and definitely before a baby!!! ("Please!!! Do it for the children!") But also, if there is any thought in you that you may have a sex addiction, that needs to be dealt with also… like you hinted at earlier, it all needs to be kept in balance. Take care, buddy!
Thanks for the advice! I figured yesterday that I should wait a bit for things to come back to 'normal' and check again, say in 6 months, to see if things have improved (on either end). If not than I'll most probably bring the subject on the table so we can start to discuss this and work things before trying anything house or baby-related. Coincidence or not, as I was talking with my girlfriend yesterday, she was actually the one to bring the question: "when was the last time we had sex?" (I used to be the one that told her I missed our intimate moments). I told her that the last 'thing' we did was a at my birthday about 2 weeks ago, but the last time we had real intercourse was over 2 months ago. She realized that it's been a while and she appologized for that. She said that she just didn't felt anywhere aroused since everything happened and that it's not because she's not attracted to me, it's just her body does not want it for now. She told me she felt bad about it and thanked me for being so patient. I know she meant everything she said and I could see it in her eyes; she's an amazing girlfriend and we make an awesome team together. So I continued to tell her that it was ok, not to worry about it, that I understood that her body wasn't ready again yet and that we would wait as long as it takes for her to be ok again. I'm not proud to say it, but I secretly wished she offered to do more. I didn't bring the 'sexpectation' topic on the table, because I felt it would have made her feel worse and the timing wasn't right so I kept it ito myself. Maybe she saw how I was feeling about everything through body language, but I didn't say much more. On an even more delicate topic, I don't know how to tell her that I don't really 'get off' when we have 3rd-base sex (like the few moments since the surgery, but even those before), it seems to take me a lot of effort and focus to reach O during these moments. She says she likes 'pleasuring' me (and I always say that I really like when she does it) but I don't know, to me, it seems like she doesn't enjoy it and it makes me feel guilty. Now I don't know yet if it's her or me or my PMO or some past awesome experiences so I guess I'll have to think about this. I always thought myself as a 'giver' and I think she's more of a 'reciever'. I'm not sure if I should tell her about all of this and if yes, how I should bring this discussion without making her feel bad or horrible. I know a friend that, in his early relationship with his girlfriend, managed to be straightforward and tell her that he wasn't enjoying it. She didn't take it so bad and instead, offered to try and get better. There is more to this story of course, but that's what I remembered mostly. What do you think about this? Thanks again for all the advices!! I'll definitely send you a message about the discussion when the time comes. I hope everything's better on your end
I fully agree on an adequate time frame on her emotionally and physically healing, but be careful to adhere to a guideline or she may grow lazy and never want it again. She could resent the act because it brings up bad memories for her and may expect you to just deal with it, the old "it's just sex" statement. I'm in a mostly sexless marriage and my wife fell into that trap. She was turned on for years and loved sex, but secretly was thrilled about the thought of getting pregnant by me, she had a daughter with her first husband. As she aged and realized it wasn't going to happen, sex became an unnecessary chore that she had no need for. She has no desire to give or receive pleasure, never owned a vibrator etc. She also had her thyroid killed due to hyperthyroidism, but her sex drive was fading before this happened, but she likes that excuse for her low libido. I really hope I'm wrong for you and I pray that she doesn't latch onto that traumatic event and kill her sex drive forever, because it does happen. Only you two or your doctor can determine how long is a safe and acceptable time.
The first few months were perfect because she was new and exciting. Just like cycling through the porn to find something new and exciting.... If you trading in for someone new it would be the same thing... Rinse and repeat.
Sounds like a solid plan. Sounds like she understands it is a healthy need in the relationship. You may have missed an opportunity here. Consider going to bat for yourself, WHILE ALSO not pressuring her by doing this: Ask her if you can revisit that conversation. Then let her know, "I told you it was okay and to not worry about it, which is true, but it's not the full truth. The full truth is I REALLY MISS YOU! I desire you so much sometimes that ___!!! (etc.)" If you let it be about You desiring her because she is so special to you, then she will probably feel less pressured and more treasured. I only say this because she seems willing to heal so she can get her libido back. I would think this type of approach would work for a woman who was bound and determined to not have sex. This would be a topic you would want to revisit when you have those discussions with her. For now something else might be at work, though: Be careful of assuming she doesn't like it if here only definition of a woman liking it has been what porn has taught you. I'm not sure if this is the case, but if it is, just know real women don't act like what you may have seen on the Internet. It doesn't mean she's being untruthful, it just means porn actors have to be over-actors, or they would never make money. For your girl, this is not about making money-- this is about being with you. But ultimately, since it's something you're feeling guilty about, definitely talked about it.
I don't want to be paranoid, but yeah I'm hoping this won't happen. Sorry to hear about your situation, I hope everything's getting better on your end!
Agreed! I haven't had too many partners but I can confirm this. Which is why if the rest of the relationship is perfectly great and healthy, it's not worth it to quit for someone else withouth working on it on the issue first.
Thanks! I believe I already told her in the last weeks something around those words, that I missed her and our intimate moments, that I had a lot of desire for her etc. But with your tips here, I'm considering revisiting the conversation. As she is getting better and back into her work schedule, it seems like she enjoys cuddling more. I don't know when we'll be intimate again, but I'm feeling optimistic at the moment! Yes I understand your concern. My first actual experience with a girl about 10 years ago was bad because of all the porn I was watching. I've had other better experience since then and I realised how porn was affecting my view on sex. In my last post I was referring to past experiences with other partners that were more.. "dedicated" if I can put it that way. I guess it just shows differently with different people, but that doesn't mean my girlfriend doesn't mean it. I know that she is not a very "expressive" person when it comes to couple stuff, so maybe there's a link here. As we spent more time together though, she's been opening up more and more, being more expressive, and I got to understand better her reactions and emotions
UPDATE 2016-05-09 The "dry spell" ended last night! We had a really nice romantic intimate moment, which wasn't planned, but happened naturally. It went really well even though she was still a bit scared. No pain just fun and comfort. I'm hoping that we can slowly get back in the beat in the next few weeks. We're both quite happy with this
Hi, Rookie Wookie! I'm glad to read of your reconnection with your girlfriend. I still have some things to share, though, that might help you. My husband sounds very similar to you. He feels most secure and loved when we have very frequent sex. I've asked why that is, and his answer is, "when you let me do that, I know you love me." Although of course there is also the base physical pay off to be had. Your lady's pregnancy and surgery is a big deal for her. I'm so glad to read how loving and supporting you are. Not exactly the same, but I have had a very similar experience. I suffered an incomplete miscarriage a few years ago, and it became septic. I had to have emergency surgery, and it was a very painful time, both physically and emotionally. It's a real grief to lose a baby, even unexpectedly. But my husband needed me, and our sex life to resume, as part of his healing. So balancing those things was really hard. I would give, and feel hollow inside. Or not give, and feel guilty. I had a baby recently, and was having proper sex with him a week later. Why? Is that all I am good for, as a woman and a wife? Please keep being patient where you need to. Don't ever let her feel that sex is the only measure of her love. That's a trap I am trying to escape from myself. It's a trap I made for myself a long time ago. But I am working hard to change my thinking, the way I see you working to change yours. Also, kids do not mean the end of your sex life. Not at all. They are demanding, and time-consuming, and exhausting, and expensive. But your wife will need you, and you her, more than ever. I've not written well, sorry. But have hope. She loves you, and sees your love for her. I think you'll be okay.
Hi, thanks for the kind reply! I guess my girlfriend felt similarly when I was more insistant on having sex in the past weeks and months and it's good that you told me that because it helps me understand how she feels (even though we talk about it, the way you said it enlighted me in a different way). Fortunately, we have a lot a of respect in our relationship so if there is any problem going on, we usually sit down and discuss it quickly and without over reacting. Thinking back, I hope I wasn't too harsh on her. We've only been together a bit over a year and we've come through a lot during that time (living in different cities, moving in together, different lifestyles, the pregnancy etc.). The more I invest in this relationship, the more I seem to understand on how couples work and the more I hold on to it. Some things are still frustrating though. My mood comes and go around these topics. And I believe I'm probably wrong about a lot of them, but maybe you can give me some advice. 1 - Some part of me believes she's not too much into sex because she already had a lot of experience before our relationship and maybe right now she just want to settle down and it's no longer an big motivation. She started being sexually active about 4 years before me and before we got together, she already had 3x more partner than I. I tried to hide it but I was jealous, and still am a bit to be honnest. I know it's quite shallow though and that it shouldn't matter. The sex we have is great, but rather "clean". Some part of me wants to explore more, with her or different partners. Maybe it's the porn? Maybe it's the testosterone or other hormones? After my last relationship, I was expecting to be drifting for a while, date many people with whom it wouldn't be working until I've found another "compatible" person. A lot of my friends had these phases and still a lot of them haven't settled yet. But I started dating my current girlfriend just 2 months after the last talk with my previous girlfriend. I've only been on 1 other date in between. As happy and lucky that I am with my current girlfriend, the only draw back of this is that I haven't been exploring as much as I expected and wanted too. She asked me about if I thought we got in together too quickly after my breakup, but I've always told her that I thought it was ok and that I'm happy we got along together so quickly. She's one in a million and I wouldn't trade her or our relationship for anything or anyone so I'm holding on to us really hard. But I'm still having little dreams of relationship freedom from time to time. 2 - On a more personnal matter (also related to no.1) : I've been feeling somehow lonely for a while. It's only a matter of circumstances because I'm in graduate school and don't have a lot of classes (with few people in them) and I'm working alone, remotely for a teacher at a different campus. My social interactions are scarce and it gives me a lot of time to think and over think. It's been like that for the last year and my girlfriend is the only person I see on a daily basis. Even my physical activity is to go to the gym and I do that alone. I can't wait to start a new job and meet new people. Maybe it'll be hard and pressuring, but at least I won't spend my days in my head, dreaming and procrastinating. Anyways, thank you for reading. Please do not worry too much about me or these matter because I'm not living a crisis at the moment, I'm just feeling a little blue.
