Hi guys. It's me again. I know, you're tired of reading the same stuff I post, but I need help Relapsed today. After exactly 2 weeks, 14 days without it, the best one I've had so far. The gay fantasies were arousing me more, and more gay fantasies were arousing me. 3 months ago, guys butts and semen disgusted me. But I can't tell it for sure anymore. And I tried a lot but I am not araoused by the women's body anymore. I started to think if I would like to perform oral on a man, and I think I want to do it. And when the thought "women are so lucky, then can get it with guys" came into my head I just relapsed, that was too much. Some of you might recognize me, I always talk about HOCD. But it doesn't look like HOCD, my actual state is identical of a gay in denial. I'll paste here what I wrote in another forum yesterday, so you can see how I'm doing: "i'm trying to convince myself i'm straight but i'm gay. It's like the reverse scenario. I'm gay but think 'i had crushes on girls, i liked girls even fictional girls from books, anime' but i just cant convince myself im straight anymore. i thought i was straight but now i am gay. there's this girl i thought i like, but i can't like her sicne i'm gay. so i don't like her. i wanted to go to the theater with her but i don't because i'm gay. i don't feel like i want to go out with her anymore. if i say "i'm straight" it just feels like a distant dream. when i say "i'm gay" it feels like reality. why dont i get disgusted, repulsed by the gay thoughts anymore? i think i was repulsed by the thoughts in the beginning, wasnt i? why am i not feeling anxious when i accept i am gay anymore? why am i not feeling attracted by pretty girls? why am i noticing pretty guys more than i used to? why i think maybe i find the male form more beautiful than the female form? why my only fear right now is 'what will people think'? every gay has this fear. do i want to be straight? dont i want to be gay? does it feel nice to imagine me kissing a pretty guy? i feel nothing. does it feel nice to imagine me kissing a pretty girl? i feel nothing. all these questions and i have only one answer: it's hocd. i tell myself this 100 times per day. this answer wont do it anymore. i am gay. i want to be gay. i cant convince myself i'm straight anymore. i wish someone could go inside my head and see everything and tell me i'm straight and this is exactly liek hocd, i think it's the only way i can be saved. i don't think any answer here will really help me. i just found out i'm gay, itwas harder than any other gay to find out but yeah thats it, i'm gay, it fits, don't feel uncomfortable with the definition anymore. i'm gay and i know it by heart." Well. This with the gay thoughts arousing me more than straight thoughts is just too much. Today I saw a pretty girl, got interested in her body but when I thought about it in a sexual way it was just a deception, imagining her boobs wasn't like "damn, boobs" like it should be, it was more like "yep, pretty ones, but is this what I like?". And of course my penis is a complete bastard, it won't help me. I've been noticing more guys lately, noticing their beauty and this is freaking me out. 2 weeks without porn and I feel just the same with girls, but start noticing guys? Crap, that's it really. When I relapsed, I was really thinking "damn, huge penis", I wasn't disgusted at akk and I was really turned on. I got water on my mouth. 2 weeks without porn, no progress at all. I'm really a gay, ain't I? I just don't have HOCD nor too-much-porn-shit. If I had, I would freak out at the thought of being gay, I would get disgusted at gay porn, I wouldn't look at guys at the street like I am. Sorry putting this all here, but I wanted to share this with someone. I guess this is the end, I'm gay and I'm almost accepting this. Ok, now that I'm finished typing I guess I can just say 'fuck my studies' and go to bed and enter in depression-mode for some hours, like I've been doing the last entire month. God, tomorrow I'll be only in day 1, so far away from any help, I wonder how bad I'll be 2 weeks from now, because everyday it gets worse.
This is a question only you can answer. Nah that's not true. I have some HOCD and I don't freak out at the thought of being gay, nor am I disgusted by gay porn (more than I am disgusted by porn in general). I just did a video about my experiences with HOCD. May be it can help you a little? That's only the first step out of your door! I had an 8 month streak and relapsed nevertheless. You need to accept yourself and your state the way it is right now. You can only start your journey from where you are, and only continue from where you are right now, even if you'd like to be at a different point. Go step by step, day by day. At some point you will forget counting the days, and then you will be surprised how far you got.
I don't know. I'm calm now, as I was playing video games. Playing is the only thing that actually makes me calm, because I only think about this stuff 4~5 times an hour when I'm doing it. Asking myself "am I gay" right now and the answer is "yes", and my emotional side is kinda ok with it. I tried a lot, in the beginning I couldn't but now I can easily imagine myself with a guy. But at the same time this doesn't make much sense, how did I get girl crushes then? Well then this means I'm straight. My logical side is sure I'm straight, my emotional side is sure I'm gay.
How can a girl crush be something logical? Because you think that's how you should behave due to evolution? You know, if you want to you are able to imagine a lot of things. You need to realize that when you're feeling straight you will be able to rationalize why you're definitely straight, and when you're feeling gay you'll be able to rationalize why you're definitely gay. Thus, your thoughts will always be able to make up excuses, and when your feelings change from one second to another, you will end up in a state of total confusion. This is a great opportunity to realize that you are not your thoughts. You are definitely thinking in an obsessive-compulsive way here. I suppose the best thing for you would be to try to relax, do something which is good for you, which is unrelated to sexuality. If you can't stop thinking about sex you definitely have a problem with fantasizing, that is objectification, too. In that case, getting rid of the objectification part, regardless of gender, would be the first step for you to take.
The logical side is that I know I can't be gay because I've liked some girls and I think I might even like one right now. So it makes sense that I'm straight. I can stop thinking about sex, but I can't stop thinking about all this. About the sex, that's why I'm in this forum but I relapsed. I'm feeling gay right now, that's scary. Feeling more gay than I ever thought. This conversation gave me some relief, thanks. Might just start panicking other time, as I'm maybe the "hocd panicking guy" of this site.
I myself learned to only go by the feelings people I meet in real life give me. My mind can do weird stuff, but the simple attraction I feel to a person (in my case a woman) is what counts.
If you were attracted to girls before you became a P addict, you're not gay. Stop worrying about it and finish the reboot; you will get over the HOCD.
You talk about fantasies, that is what they are. Look at what I quoted. How much negativity is there in that? Assuming we are all sick of you, thinking you bore people, not giving credit for getting through day one... I can't do this = it won't happen.
I'm not quite sure if I understood, but yeah, I'm being very negative. It's weird, because I don't think my sexual attraction to women will ever be back, and I also feel that my sexual attraction towards men is genuine. I'm doing the reboot, and I hope I'll be 100% straight when I finish it. Some days are worse than others, but there isn't a good day. That's why day 1 is bad, because I know a lot of bad days will come before something can possibly change. I'm trying not to post nor think much about it, because it's a kind of reassurance seek, but somedays I know I need help and I'm sorry if I'm bothering someone.
What's bothering me is that I think my sexuality might really be gay. Imagining myself on a gay situation, I imagine myself having a boner but trying not to, getting turned on but trying not to. On the other side, when I imagine myself on a straight situation, I think no matter how much I tried I wouldn't get a boner or get turned on. I can't tell whether I would like to have gay sex or not. I want to get hard to girls even when I don't want to, not to guys. Right now I'm not sure but maybe I want to watch gay sex.. maybe this is because of the reboot, I hope so. Can't tell whether I would like to perform oral on a guy, maybe I want to. Straight sexs looks good, comfortable, nice but it doesn't get me there anymore, the dopamine rush maybe? When I imagine it, I think it would be nice but don't think "damn I want to do this". Shit, I remember seeing some sexy girl on facebook and not being able to hold myself and going to watch porn, how is it possible that now straight sex aint arousing anymore? It must be the porn. It makes sense that it's the porn, but it feels so real, so damn real. Months ago, I used to think cum is disgusting and the male butt was bad as well. But now when I imagine myself sucking, it's not disgusting. I remember one night when I was exploring all this to see if it would turn me on, and it did (a lot).
This ^^^^ Or have some time off it. A set time of no MO and PMO and do not give it a thought until the end and see how you feel then. Right now there is confusion but you are trying to find answers in the confusion
