In the past me and my wife have enjoyed watching porn together in bed just as a fun compliment to foreplay, to get us really horny and in the mood for sex, often borrowing ideas from the movie to make it more exciting. Now in fact it's always her that suggests putting it on (I wouldn't dare venture it.... lol) There's never been a problem with this, we both have enjoyed it and I know she masturbates and watches porn too, though I suspect not to the level of addiction that I have reached (at least I hope) The thing is now that I am becoming more dedicated to stopping PMO I am worried that at some point the time will come when she will suggest watching porn together and although I'd probably like to it would directly contradict my recovery.... at least I'm guessing it would still count as relapse? what do you think? Now I do not want to discourage or disappoint my wife in the bedroom but I would find it difficult to do so without having to explain the whole thing to her and why we can't watch it together any more, I'm not sure I'm ready to tell her all that just yet. Whilst we are watching there's a part of me now that often thinks.... why are we doing this to ourselves, watching a couple that are ridiculously more good looking than ourselves, having better sex than we could ever hope to have.... why don't we just dig each other here and now? Can you relate? Any thoughts?
It's a relapse. Why wouldn't it be? You're watching porn. The people around you are irrelevant. Stop doing that shit and tell your wife, that this can't happen anymore. If she wants to watch porn, then let her, but you should stay away from it. Also, if I were you I'd talk her out of it too and show her this forum.
Thankyou Anon for the advice, I will read that post. In answer I guess that my reservations about telling her that I don't want to watch the porn any more is that she she will not understand or not believe that I have a problem with it as she views it as something that is normal for men to do (I guess I'd have a lot of explaining to do there) But being honest her interest in sex has been waning over the last 6 months due to her being ill and going through a bout of stress and depression, and if porn helps her get off I'm worried taking that away may only make things worse....... actually.... now reading this back I realise that actually if anything porn would probably compound the problem, have I learnt nothing, silly me. So on the other hand, I'm hoping, and I think I'm, right that my wife will feel proud and impressed (even flattered) that I have taken a step to remove porn from my life, for us. I think last time I mentioned I might stop masturbation as I believe I have a problem with it, she said something like, "good god have a wank, you've got too, you'll go mad, I do it" ......haha!
Thanks Soul Cage for sharing your challenge. I can relate to a lot of this. Awhile ago, my wife made a similar comment to the effect of, you have to "take care of your own needs." It was a brief comment, but because I have an addiction, I used this to justify a lot of my behavior at first. I know her intent wasn't that I masturbate compulsively, spending hours and hours on porn, hiding away, avoiding responsibilities, spending money, fantasizing about dark stuff, and eventually leading to chat and close call near affairs with others (affair edging? . I don't know if she has a problem with PMO or not, but I DO. She knows about my chat and pursuing others. I haven't fully disclosed the extent of my PMO to her, though. But if we are watching something that starts to be too exciting, I will tell her that I find that "triggering." That seems to be a good code word for us without having to explain why. I do have the "benefit" that she knows about some parts of my behavior, so she respects that and we watch something else. Before my behavior went out of control, we used to watch porn together sometimes. To be honest, it was awkward for us afterwards. We would become excited, but as you alluded to, it quickly became awkward if we tried to reproduce the same things we saw. The biggest issue was I would feel uncomfortable sexually objectifying my wife, at least with her present. I had no problems objectifying other women in fantasy or by myself with porn. But I would become self conscience and conflicted with her there. I realize, in hindsight, that I would not discuss my sexual desires with my wife. I felt too embarrassed. So instead of talking with her about both our needs and building more intimacy and honesty, I compartmentalized sexual desires and sought them out through porn, chat, others because I feared what would my wife think of me. Ironically, my furtive behaviors simply alienated me more and never produced any lasting pleasure. So for what it's worth, I'm trying now to be more open about communication with her, and I'm finding slowly I have more courage. I'm also slowly learning that the more I'm open and honest with my wife, the more enriched our relationship becomes. I'm not suggesting this is easy, nor have I gotten all the way there, but I'm trying. I wish you the best!
Nice one Mark, you have the right idea there. I too battle to be honest with my partner about my 'less vanilla' needs and this had led to the compartmentalised sexuality for me too. I stopped it dead just over two weeks ago and already it is improving for me. Soul cage, masturbation is one of those things which we will do from time to time, but porn is just not on. It is corrosive and gives nothing but a temporary rush, it just takes. I am certainly no prude, I am gay, so I can't be but I have seen and experienced firsthand and through what I seen in the lives of others as nothing but a thief of intimacy, trust and energy. Like a psychic vampire, it sucks you dry one drop at a time. I think your wife perhaps also has a bit of the same problem as we all do. You should tell her now you feel and she has the choice to support and go along with you and your choice or continue doing it in her own time. You Ned to think of you and cut this shit our of your life. That's my five cents worth. Good luck
Good for you Getagrip! Congrats on stopping and glad to hear things are already improving! It still amazes me how much fear I can feel trying to broach the 'less vanilla' needs with my partner, and yet how quickly I'll share those with a stranger. Trying to regain my perspective. Keep going with your great progress!
Thank you all who have written back these are some great responses and have given me a lot to think about. Markguy I'm glad you could relate so well that was a really helpful post to read (and yeah, I think we could let you coin the term 'affair edging') If my wife suggests it again I will tell her about my abstinence challenge, or possibly even before then. If she sees the logic then it'd be great to join hands in it. However my priority is to prevent solo fantasising and lonely obsessive porn use, in the end it's got to be all about my wife I'm not going to take life too seriously, if we both decide it then I don't think there's anything wrong with a small amount of voyeurism in the bedroom now and then to heat things up a bit. Anyway we are discerning viewers, it's always pretty tasteful stuff we watch lol
Sounds like reverse of me and the wife, but I wanted her to MO so that we shared the same sexual addictions. It was myself rationalizing my addiction. She may not value watching porn together as much as you think she does. Only way to find out is communication..
Personally, I don't consider this a problem; but for most people and their goals, it probably would be. I feel like in some ways it can only help the neural pathways to re-purpose what pornography and getting off is for. I don't see it leading much towards temptation as long as I don't let myself find excuses for it to (i.e. "I need to get more of this fetish, or this star for us to watch", "I need to organize this better for her") I would never have to worry about my girl suggesting porn; but she does quite lie it when we do watch together. She has however said things that enabled me. Like, if she knew I was gonna be home alone all night "have fun "
Dreams: you may be right, she may not actually value it as much as i think, perhaps she has just been suggesting it to get her in the mood when she is feeling low on libido, maybe because she thinks i'll like it and that's what i want, i don't know.... but I will talk to her, though timing is key. bobwoodson: I hear what your saying, it depends on individual goals and the level of their resolve. And as for your last comment, your girl sounds like such a tease man, that's mean, how's a guy supposed to focus on Nofap with that sort of provocation LOL!
