After some weeks, i have decided to share my real everyday struggle. I hope some of you relate. I really do. Day x, January: I was with my friends, a married couple. We had lunch, and we were smoking pot. My perception got twisted, i got slower, things started to go round. I though: "Hey, what the fuck is this shit?, NO, PLEASE GOD, DON'T LET ME GO." Guys, it was the most terrible feeling i have ever experienced. So felt desperate and as he tried to held me down to the ground, she was saying how much she was nervous and afraid. As my perception was twisted, i really thought everything was happening in a cycle, repeating itself, i thought i was dreaming. I thought all my fucking life was a dream and that i needed to wake up, my heart rate jumped, i was shaking. I thought about jumping for one second, but i didn't even got near to a window. It wasn't repeating, it wasn't a dream, and i clearly didn't jumped. It was a delirium tremens, i was having a panic attack. OK, so as Descartes did, i began to realize how much strange it was and how different it was. So it started to calm me down, and as i tried to regain control of my body and my mind, she called an ambulance and he helped me to sit in the couch. So, some moments later, the guys came, they told me about the panic attack, and that it was normal with marijuana, and then my dad came. It was probably the most satisfying moment of my life, i saw my dad. He was pissed off, of course, but i could feel his love taking my hand, he wouldn't let me go guys. I love him so much. Time passed. I tried to go back to my old life, in the days after that. I couldn't, of course. I didn't knew then, but i would never be the same again. So here i was, in my life. My dog was very very sick, we were taking care of him, he was so happy. We all were. Tuesday, february 16: It was not a good day. I was being under pressure at college, with all the stuff to do, to study, all the pressure to fit, and my will to NoFap and to forget the stuff that happened in that day x. You know when you have a feeling like "I just wanna go home"? I should have gone sooner. But i was so focused that i ignored me feeling. As i was walking the stairs, going down, to go home, i picked my phone to check the hours, or the messages. It fell from my hand, hit the stair, and as the cellphone opened itself, it screen cracked in the inside (i didn't knew, but i would figure it out later that day) and it's battery fly to right under my feet, that was almost in the step of the stair. So i smashed the battery under my foot as i began to realize how crazy it was. Suddenly, the Universe was telling me what i knew from the beggining, that i should have gone home. So i did. I stopped to try to find a new battery, and then i discovered the thing about the screen. I had lost the first thing, the cellphone. I was climbing the stairs to enter my house and i see my mom, going out of my grandpa house, she was crying. I thought "Oh no, grampa.". She was crying so much, she was red. And then it hit me: my dog. She said: "Son, Rock is dead! He's dead man, he's dead. Oh God, Matheus, he is DEAD!" I didn't believed. How could i? He was so happy. But she had a look in her eyes, Death had visited her spirit in that day. I didn't believed, but i knew, i could feel Death upon me in that day. So i cried. And i asked her "How mom?" - "HE CHOKED, HANGED IN HIS CHAIN!" My heart stopped. I could feel anything but dispair and hate. I screamed so fucking much. He hanged because of me. Before i went out, i left Rock (my dog) strapped in my house, close to the stairs. So he fell... I KILLED MY DOG. What has he done? Why did he go? Why now, why like this, why? Second, my dog. Just because it was bad, my mom let the other stuff come out. My cousin was found dead in his house, in the same tuesday. He died sunday. Third, my cousin. Here, my nightmare begun.
I went to college next day, but i shouldn't have. As i tried to hold on to myself, we were at the linear algebra class. I was there, sitting, and my mind drifted. Suddenly, my perception got twisted, things started to go round. Time stopped. Another panic attack. So, as i had experienced it before, i thought "OK buddy, you know this feeling, it is bad but you can do it again." So i reached my friend Erick and i whisper in his ear "Man, please help me, i am feeling bad. I'm gonna go outside, please go with me, please, i am serious." He did. He helped me calm down, we talked a little. He went to the bathroom with me, i washed my face, then i got my stuff and got home. It wasn't the drug guys, i was clean for a month or so. I still am, since january. I was scared. Why did that happened? I began to doubt myself. I began to think, maybe i am crazy. Maybe i am dreaming. I reached my sister, because she studies next to me, but other course, so she took me home. Guys, it was bad. It was ugly. Do you know what is to lose your mind? To go crazy? To find yourself unable to trust your own brain? So there is this fear that pervades my life now, because i can feel that at any time, any day, anywhere. Next day, i went to talk with a psychologist. I could barely find my words. I would have a lot of classes that day, but fuck it. I reached my sister again, i told her i was going and as she only had one class that day, she went home with me too. After this day, i have been having a lot of "micro" panics, that lasts like, one second, and vanish. It is slowly going away. So, do i really think PORNOGRAPHY is a problem? I don't, not anymore. I say it's nothing, closed to this. Guys, i mean, it took me a lot to write this. I needed to be in those moments again, to write this. I felt all that again. So i will not update my journals everyday now. I don't feel it's importance anymore. I think i have bigger problems now. I hope someone relates.
I can relate to the panic attacks. A few years ago I had my first one after jumping into the water off of a dock at the end of a bridge that people were jumping off of. We were all swimming in the water. I was with family friends. All of a sudden I couldn't breathe properly. I had a terrible experience in the water that day. I lived thank god. When I Sat in the car after I came out of the water I thought I was going to die. Which made the panicking worse. I had panic attacks several times a day for a while. And in two days or so I had to get on a plane to fly home. Then started school the next day after that. The panick attacks persisted for a few months but got less and less. I don't know how I survived. But I did. And I think you'll survive too.
I don't know if all panic attacks are the same, since we are all different. How could you remain sain? I mean, for me, it was very insane, literally
They are different. I think yours are a lot more severe. Idk. I just kept breathing. Mine were mostly because I couldn't breathe in all the way. Which scared me and made it worse. I felt like I wasn't going to be able to breathe and would die. I would get all chocked up because I was terrified. Talking to someone helps. While it's happening. It helps keep you sane. Just breathe. Focus on breathing. Having someone talk to you while its happening. Get your mind off of it.
I can relate i've been having these delusions of persecution because my disease and they are a pain to live with it feels like the hole universe is plotting against you and no matter how much you;re trying to convince youreself that they are not real you still feel bad and of course there's the anxiety,depression,apathy and hypersexuality that comes along with that so...yeah i guess i can relate
Yeah, about 10 months ago I had severe depression triggered by me being a spoiled brat wanting to live in another state to apply to college. I just couldn't stand the loneliness and the responsabilities. I've never maniphested any symptoms at public but I remember my crazyness when I was home. Suicidal thoughts did not take long to permeate that desperate mind. One windy and cold day, as I was waiting for the bus, my brain seemed to shut down my physical senses and I could think properly: "Lucidity, lucidity, lucid, stay lucid." I decided travel back home and share all those dread feelings with my parents. Then it started my medication.
