The Power of Habit

The Power of Habit by Charles Duhigg has been mentioned a few times on these forums, and I am currently a bit obsessed with it. I have read it cover-to-cover twice. It’s extremely informative, while also being entertaining, scientific without being dry. I highly recommend it.

In it, he discusses the “habit loop,” with a very simple 3-part premise: We have a Cue or trigger, a Routine we go through (the habit itself), and a Reward we get in the end. It can be something as complex as yelling at your children after a long day at work, or something as simple as backing out of your driveway, nearly 45% of our actions every day are driven by habit formation that follows this model. This makes our lives extremely efficient, so we don’t have to make 1000’s of conscious decisions every day, like turning a key to start the car, or how to put one foot in front of the other in order to walk straight. Our brains actually TRY to turn any regularly recurring behavior into a habit.

He adds that the motor behind this loop is Craving, that if we go through the loop enough times, eventually a craving inserts itself between the Cue and Routine, and if we don’t satisfy it, our brains punish us with anything from irritability and mood swings to physical symptoms and insomnia until we satisfy that craving.

He goes on to discuss willpower and the famous marshmallow experiment. It’s a really interesting read, but I won’t spoil it for you.

One topic he devotes a whole section on is “The Golden Rule of Habit Change,” which states: You cannot extinguish a bad habit, you can only change it. I think he clarifies this later on, saying that it’s not impossible, but extremely challenging to extinguish a bad habit without replacing it with something else. The goal with any habit change, therefore, is to keep the Cue (often not under our control), and keep the same Reward, but change the Routine to something positive and healthy that delivers a similar reward. I think this is why exercise has worked so well for helping Fapstronauts, it offers a healthy alternative to PMO.

Now here’s where I shut up about the book and actually discuss how this applies to PMO habits/addiction (he discusses in a footnote that there is a fine, often hard to define line between the two). He gives a four step process for attempting to change a habit. After I post this, I will post a reply attempting to go through steps 1-3 with my own PMO habit. I would be very interested in reading what others think their Cue, Routine and Rewards are.

Step 1: Identify the Routine
This is the most obvious step, it’s the behavior you want to change.

Step 2: Experiment with Rewards (and alternate routines that may give you the same reward)
This is a tough one, and I think we all realized its not as obvious as just, “Have an orgasm. Done. Next step?” (In his section on alcoholics, he mentions that “getting drunk” rarely makes the list for why alcoholics crave a drink. Feeling drunk is often one of the least rewarding parts of drinking.) Similarly, I don’t think O is actually why we PMO at all. What are some of the alternative Rewards we might be getting? Relaxation? Control? Escape? The “Experiment” part of this step involves doing the alternative Routine, then jot down on a piece of paper the first three things that come to mind when you are done with that routine. They can be anything. Then, set an alarm for 15 minutes and when it goes off, check if you still crave PMO. Writing down three things just helps you be present and aware, and to help with recall about the experiment. Hopefully you will find an alternative that at least helps abate the cravings, and you can use for Step 4 below.

Step 3: Isolate the Cue
“Experiments have shown that almost all habitual cues fit into one of five categories:
Location
Time
Emotional State
Other people
Immediately preceding action”

Every time you have a craving, write down answers for each category. Start looking for patterns to identify the cue.

Step 4: Have a Plan
Anyone who has tried to diet knows that simply trying to eat better doesn’t work so well. The moment something unexpected or stressful comes up, out come the cookies. This is where having a detailed contingency plan, or “implementation intention,” comes in:

“Whenever CUE happens, I will do ALTERNATE ROUTINE.”

Within this framework, hopefully you’ll at least be more educated about yourself and how your habit works. It make take several tries (the average smoker quits on his/her 7th attempt), failures, and a longer time than you want, but I think this method has some major potential (and the science to back it up). I am starting a journal about this process, including my eventual Step 4, and writing about my own successes and failures. We’ll see what happens! Follow it here: http://www.nofap.com/forum/index.php?threads/changing-a-habit.59708/

 

Step 1: Identify the Routine
My routine is that I get out my phone or computer, open up my favorite porn site, and whack away until I orgasm.

Step 2: Experiment with Rewards (and alternate routines that may give you the same reward)
I don’t think the orgasm is actually why I PMO at all. It lasts maybe 20 seconds at best, and is rarely (especially when I’m binging) as powerful or as satisfying as I think it will be. So what are the rewards I might be getting, and alternatives that take about the same amount of time (15-30 minutes on average) and deliver the same reward.

• Self-esteem boost (even a false one). I’m sure that fantasizing about beautiful women makes me feel, even subconsciously, like I’m actually with them, that a beautiful woman might actually be into me, which is super powerful. I’ve written a lot about my own self-esteem in my journals and how my need for approval and validation has driven some pretty powerful (and usually negative) events in my life. Alternative: Talking to friends who can give me that boost, writing down five things that I like about myself, talking to family.
• Distraction. My life isn’t something horrible that’s worth actively escaping from, but I think PMO offers me a momentary escape from stress, from worry, from my schedule. Alternative: Read a book, watch a show, engage in some hobby that will distract me for the same amount of time.
• Relaxation. Related to #2. PMO is sometimes relaxing enough to make me doze off in the middle. Alternative: Meditation, yoga, deep breathing.
• Excitement. The total opposite from #3, funny enough. What I think I mean, though, is novelty, deviation from the daily grind. Alternative: Do something spontaneous and unscheduled. Do something I’ve never done before (that only takes 15-30 minutes).
• Intense physical sensations. Okay, maybe the orgasm is the reward, but I also think the whole process feels good, this is hard to deny. Alternative: Go for a run, give myself a massage with a roller or tennis ball, GET a massage from a friend (even exchanges, of course), take a warm shower (sorry, for this step, I don’t think cold showers deliver quite the reward I look for).

Step 3: Isolate the Cue
I haven’t written this one out, yet, but I know right off the bat that a major cue for me is being alone, typically in my apartment. The minute my girlfriend leaves the apartment, it’s the first think I think to do. I think this may have formed as a habit when I was a teenager and would have to squeeze it in (no pun intended) as soon as my parents left the house so they wouldn’t find out. And honestly, I’m doing the same thing with my girlfriend.

Another cue, of course, is simply a sexual visual. If I see an extremely attractive woman, be it in real life, TV, picture, internet, I’m probably going to PMO that day. This cue can really stick with me, the craving lasting through 8 hours of work until I get home.

 

You're very close, I think. The cue is probably weekends, and boredom. Reward is correct, Reading is probably an alternative Routine that you could use for the same reward.

 

I have been super busy lately so I haven't had a chance to check on this thread or update my own journal, but I love these responses. @Beshr I'm interested to see how you progress through this model. @Dr. J absolutely dopamine is possibly THE motivating factor behind the craving part of the model, but as Beshr said, there is often a deeper reason that we fap in the first place, and a more psychological reward than just the neurochemical one. That said, I think "Your Brain on Porn" is a requisite companion to the Powero of Habit.

Duhigg does address will in one of the chapters of the book, I think in his section on Alcholics Anonymous (I'll have to double-check). He states (and backs up with research), that one of the requirements in changing a habit is BELIEF. Belief that you can change, belief in a process for change, belief in yourself. I'll do some research this weekend and write more about it.