Hi to all Fapstronauts, my username is BlackNinja94 and I'm 21 years old. My first masturbation was playing an erotic game, felt strange but something new so since then my downfall began. Then moved to watch sex scenes from film actresses and softporn. At 13 - 14 years old I was already watching porn scenes from recognized pages such as Brazzers, Bangbros, Dancingbear, all that hardcore stuff. My life was normal in some way, I had friends, a lovely but imperfect family who loves me and always cares about me, my studies always gone well, my childhood is good to remember but of course there is this dark side of me who was watching all this hardcore stuff. Of course my parents could have taught me about the problems of pornography, but the point is that they didn't grow up with porn so they didn't know the bad effects of it, the same is with internet, so they don't have the fault of my addiction, I am the guilty. One of my problems was that at my puberty, which began at 12 years, where I was very very shy with girls and really shameful. I always had fear of being rejected from girls of my class so I tried to not talking with them, other thing is that in my class I was a really silent person, I had fear to say something stupid or nonsense and that all the class would laugh at me, those were my fears in that period of time, I had suffer this from 12 to 18 years old, so 6 years of being shy and fearful of being ridiculized by my classmates, so it was all the High School time. Something really weird is that I began to watch zoofilic porn, you know horses and women and dogs and women, I felt really disgusted with that. This fetish only last 3 or 4 months, I don't remember well. But I forced me to masturbate and watch only hardcore porn. So I can say that this fetish is gone, I don't feel urges to watch that garbage, thanks God. Then I began to study in a college specialized in sound and music, there I began to be open again, even with the only girl who was in the class. Also at 18 years old I began to feel that voice inside all of us who tells what is good and what is wrong, this is the conscience. I was a believer but not a practitioner of my catholic faith, but at 18 years old I began to realise that I was addicted to porn, cause I wanted to stop but I couldn't. Until 18 years old, I've watched pornography every day, once or twice per day, and I thought it was something normal. Then this conscience, and the fact that I never had a girlfriend, moved me to try to stop this addictive life. At 19 years old my life changed, I've began to practice my catholic faith, and my person changed absolutely. I was more open to people, I met knew friends, live in a comunity at church, discovered the really meaning of life and human being, all this helped me a lot. Also I began to watch porn every three days, sometimes I could resist one week, but of course the problem was still there. But this happy change soon began to not be so happy, cause the consecuences of pornography were going to do their job. I began to watch transwoman porn, which destroyed me completely, never thought I could watch stuff like that. Zoofilic porn was in some way easy to leave, but transwoman porn wasn't that easy, in fact I'm still watching it, cause I can't stop it's something that haunts you down, and don't want you to be free. Since 19 to now I'm still struggling with this fetish. Of course I know I'm straight guy, all my 18 years of life I looked at women and liked women, still liking females of course, but this fetish is really disturbing and affecting me, and the reasons are this. At 21 years old I've began to feel the desire to meet a transwoman escort to know how it feels to being with one. I have paid 5 transwoman escorts, I have to recognise that I don't recognise me but I have to admit that in this moment I'm this rabbithole and I can leave it but with calm and not with obsession and fear. I know I have done stupid and strange things, like going to transwoman escorts and began to watch transwoman porn at 19, but my life is going on and I know I can change this, with God's help and yours Fapstronauts. My longest streak of PMO abstinence was 25 days in August, but then I relapsed watching porn and at the end going to a transwoman escort. It's something strange, now I know that every moment that I will watch transwoman porn, my brain will reclaim his dopamine but the brain knows that with transwoman escorts it expulses more dopamine so he reclaims me this. In other words, everytime I watch transwoman porn I feel desires to go to a transwoman escort and fulfill my libido. So know I can resist more days without PMO, but when I'm watching it I have desires to not masturbate but to fuck a real one, really scary and disturbing. I recognise that my faith helps me to being calmed and patient with this BIG problem, it's like I'm in a middle of a tremeandous storm but I feel calmed cause my faith helps me to have hope that I will get out from this addiction. So this is my story and it continues. Thanks God I could find this page, I'm also suscribed to Fortify Program, following Fight The New Drug media. Every day, knewing better my enemy and all the consequences of porn to the brain. Also took more conscientious about my dear brain, and that I have to take care of him, which I didn't do for A LOT of years. My goals is to live in "chastity" until marriage of course, I know that in this page not everyone is with this goals so I respect everyone, but my goals are chastity because I don't want to be the center of the universe, I want God and others to be my center of universe. I have female friends but they are not atractive to me so it's not the same to have gourgeous and atractive girls as friends, and this my Fapstronaut friends is something that I don't have, and would like to have. Look a woman and don't look at her like something to fuck, but a person who has sentiments, a person who has a soul. I think it's possible with God's help and with a healthy way of living. This is the point, I need help I can't do this alone. This is why I'm here, cause I want to be part of this community, I want to be free from porn addiction, ALL OF IT, I want to dominate my sexual desires and redirect it to love and serve others, not to posess them or dominate them. And then I want to help others to be free, I want to help guys like you do, but before that I have to be free myself. Thanks to all of you Fapastronauts!
You're only 21 and you are having sex with male prostitutes?? That's truly frightening. I suggest severely limiting your internet usage and telling someone you know. Family? You might need help being held accountable. As a woman I'm curious if you ever became engaged would you tell your future wife about your past.
Thanks for writing! Yeah it's frightening but it's not the end of the world, it's possible to be free from this I'm totally sure. I think it's useless putting limit on the internet, I have tried that many times and don't work, because I can use mobile then, and in android mobiles it's impossible to put a filter, cause you can enter the mobile in safe mode and then you can delete all the apps you have installed. It's good that you have planted me the last question about if someday I will be engaged I would tell my future wife about my past. The answer is ABSOLUTELY YES! First of all, I think that in every relationship there must be absolute trust in each other no matter what past you have, the point is where are you today I think. Of course I will tell my past before marriage, because I prefer to tell the truth and let the other person choose with freedom if she wants to continue with me or not. But my goals right now is being free from PMO, and not dating with any girl, have female friends of course, and I have. Living in chastity and prepare myself to that day when I will be with my future wife, and for that I have to be free from this. Thanks for saying male prostitutes, you are right they are male I don't occult that, but what attracts me is not the male side, but the fetish side of transwomen, I never looked gay porn and in real life my attention goes for women and not for men. The root problem is not prostitution, the root problem is pornography, you cut down pornography, then your brain rewires and you cut down all the fetishes and sex disorders. Hope you could understand, waiting your response. Thanks, and please give me some hope I now my dramatic situation, I just need motivational words to keep forward, anyway thanks for your sincerity.
Hi Blackninja you've recognised that your root problem is the porn itself. Cut it out, cold turkey. Write a list of all the reasons you want to quit watching ANY kind of porn. Keep people on here posted on how your doing. Each day/week/month/year is another success so celebrate it by encouraging others that it can be done! Be a role model for others on here to aspire to be (despite your past show that you can overcome this and therefore so can they) Maybe that could be a motivation for you? Best of luck!!
Thanks Buzz, of course my motivation to not look porn is because I want to be free, I don't want to be a puppet of my addiction, I don't want to look women as fresh meat you know. My motivation is the hope to see me one day the person I want to be. I want to be free and I want help others to be the same, these are my motivations. My plan is every 5 days make a video of myself explaining the benefits to not falling to porn, and of course to write and check everyday NoFap, to be with all the Fapstronauts comunity, which gives me strenght. Really thankful for your kind words
First of all, congrats for being able to share all of this. It must not be easy to fully open yourself like that, you're BRAVE. It's already a good start. It's scary how porn can lure you deep into its addiction. I know it is a difficult task, but you must talk to someone very close to you about this (You don't need to open yourself fully at 100%), but let them know that you have an addiction and that you must put a filter on your browser and have that person lock your computer at the times you tend to relapse. Also, you can buy yourself an old phone that barely has a browser in it so you can't use your mobile phone to consume.
Thanks for your words SoberSquirrel, they give me strenght. I have a spiritual confesor, a priest, who knows all my addiction, he told that he will try to find a psychoterapist to help me, but at this time he couldn't make a deal with him, meanwhile I'm in the middle of this struggle, but my spiritual confesor knows everything about me so I'm not feeling alone in this. The other thing that gives me strenght is knowing that there a lot of guys like me, this page helps me a lot and I've just registered today. The other thing is the filter blocks, believe me I've tried all kind of porn blocker, the best was Saint App, but the problem is my android mobile phone, which is impossible to block all of it cause of his Safe Mode. I can't use an old phone because of whatsapp, I have a lot of groups, lot of people, my family, I just can't get off from all this. I would liked to but I can't. I think that the problem is not the filters, the problem is our personal will of stop watching porn or not. I can have filters, but I think that this filters don't help you to control for yourself, you feel that you depend on those filters but the day this filters were gone, the urges will back again. I think I have to teach my brain to just don't accept the urges, something REALLY difficult but not imposible if you have the help of others, such as you my Fapstronaut brothers, you can help to not fall the urges. I believe that I have to fight this without any filters, just my me and my mind. I just need motivation when the urges come, your help not filters help. Aprecciate much your message SoberSquirrel!
Well, think of it as multiple layers of security. At least, it doesn't give you direct access to the porn, you still need to unblock a filter, and trust me that could help A LOT. It can allow you time to think: "Hey, what the hell am I doing, here?" and can help you choose not to porn and exit. It slows you down. It's like a robber that wants to break into somewhere, he needs to go through the locked doors of the place, which slows him down. I don't know if this is a good example, but it's a way you can see this
It's a good example my friend, but the point is that those locked doors slows the robber down, but his anxious to steal what is inside will increase his desires to open that locked door. And one think that I discovered is that our imagination is so big that it can discover anyway to open that locked door. The point is the heart and the force will of the robber, he needs to change from within. I will keep trying without filters, hope that in this community I will liberate from this slavery. But if I see that without filters it's impossible I will inmediately put one again. Thanks for your words. United in struggle!
Screw the filters. I tried two filters. One of them blocked nofap.com which I found pretty hilarious. Of course, I wanted to try them out it took a certain delay for them to block the website. One of them took 5 seconds to redirect me to a page that says "Adult Content Blocked". It made me just unblock and browse more by curiosity, but it took me less than a minute to resist and say "screw this shit". According to my current tests, I confirm that ad-blocking is useless 'cause you'll end up disabling and still going anyway. A filter is not enough to block the temptation, unless someone else sets a password for me xD. The problem is i'm going with computers so i'll end up figuring out a way to bypass or find another solution. So yes indeed you are right, it's useless. Good thing I stopped, because I would've messed up my 25-day streak. [EDIT: I even set a random password that I stored somewhere far far away in my computer. The worst part is when I deleted the ad-blocker, it just went away without even asking for the password. So yeah, very pointless. ]
@SoberSquirrel Thanks again for keeping writing, you helped me more on that theory. I'm really really happy that you didn't mess up your 25-day streak, hope that will encourage you to keep forward. Your message gives me strenght to keep going too. We're still in contact, really appreciate your daily struggles and your discoveries. The temptations are in our own minds, there is where we have to put filters, this is reject any erotic thought which is difficult but don't let them to enter so easy in our minds. I have read in one page that the important thing is to accept those urges as they are presente, they are there, we have to try to accept them, don't get anxious or desesperate and move to do another things. Of course these are theories, don't know If will work always. United in struggle!
Yes I know all about it. My boyfriend had issues like yours but thankfully (to my best knowledge) he didn't actually meet anyone he talked to. I understand the science of the escalation to harder stuff but quite honestly since I don't watch porn and am not an addict it is still fucking bizarre to me.
@Rav70 If you don't watch porn and you're not an addict, which makes you a lucky person, then you can't understand all the addict people, so I understand your honestity and your impression on this weird stuff. Really happy that your boyfriend just left transwoman porn and all kind of porn, that freedom will let him to live life with a new vision, a new perspective I guess. I never thought I could do those bizarre things I did but as long as you watch porn your escalation makes you unsensible with hardcore things. I remember when I was younger I felt strange looking like a woman was doing a blowjob to a man in one scene, I told me that I never would let a woman do that, but it happened the first time I visited a female escort. What I have learned this years is to not judge or being impressed in weird stuff that happens to people because you never know If you can fall too, not saying that this could happen to you. You are a lucky person I repeat, and hope I could reach your freedom soon and look all this weird stuff as something from past. But also you need to know that if I had falled in this rabbithole other young people also can. Everyday porn is growing and growing, and everyday more younger people began to watch, you can imagine the consequences of all that. Thanks again for your sincerity, really understand you but also I understand my situation and of other addicts
I do understand it that's the only reason I'm still with him. Had I not, I would of ran the other direction. I have two boys. One's a teen the other almost 12. It scares me to death.
@Rav70 Remember that you asked me if I will tell my future wife the truth about my past. You can see that the past of your boyfriend didn't make you run out of him, I'm really happy of your words, thanks to share, really appreciate. I understand your fear about your children, it's normal to be scary. But the important thing is that you can't just put filters on computer and thats it, no matter how you filter they will discover soon or later what is porn, if they didn't already know something about it. You have to teach them about what is a real sexuality, you have to teach them to use with responsible way the internet, and the dangers in it. You need to warn them that pornography is a drug, a bad one, that makes you slave from yourself. Teach them about what happens to the porn actresses, they suffer abuse, etc. Just warn them, teach them, and then they will have to choose with their freedom, REAL FREEDOM not slave freedom. Thanks for sharing your own struggles, a very difficult task you have too! Keep strong
I haven't read the whole thing but would advise against telling future partners about this and potentially ruining your success in relationships. Fucking transwomen isn't something many women are going to forgive and, once you've changed, I see no reason why you'd hinder yourself in such a way. Of course, if it's going to play on your conscience then tell her I guess. Don't be too down on yourself; many guys on here, myself included, have been led down the escort path (thankfully at least mine were hot chicks) due to porn and there is a way out. Sex addiction is a ridiculous high and it's taken some time to free myself...I advise you to take this deadly serious because craving sex over porn is a dangerous place to be.
@chefboyxo I'm still thinking that in a relationship trust is really important, I think that your partner has to know all you have passed, good or wrong. Don't judgge so easy the answer of a woman. Of course I won't tell my past at the first encounter, neither the first months, but there will be a moment where I need to confess it, and I think it's an obligated thing before marrying. Woman don't need to forgive anything because when I will be with one, that past will be far away before I met one girl. Thanks to your serious advices, really appreciate them. I know my situation man, do you think I'm not freaking scary about where I am and what I've done. But I have a big hope to be free, and I will fight all my life if it's needed to be free from this. I will never live my life being comfortable with porn at my side, never again. I will fight everyday, will rise again, again and again. This community is helping me a lot, you are part of it, you help me a lot, watching that you have abstained 90 days without PMO gives me strenght and motivation to keep forward. I just need motivational words, I now how dangerous situation this is, but I don't want to think about that, I'm thinking in positive way, I now it will be HARD to get from this, but my lifestyle, this community, football, friends and most important my faith in Christ, will help me to get out of this, and not because of me, cause I'm not capable to get alone from this, but because of the others who are with me, and this community is with me. I know that when days will pass without PMO, my urges will comeback again and I know I have to feel the pain of not fulfilling them, but that pain is not my motivation, what gives me strenght in suffer pain of no fulfilling urges is my recovery motivations, my faith in God, and my care for my brain which is damaged. But the point is not the pain, the point is hope. Thanks for writting me and keep forward in your journey. United in struggle!
@BlackNinja94 Trust is very important, but you must tell your future girlfriend / wife when you are ready to tell her. Once you tell the other person, he/she must also understand that's not an easy thing to just tell. It must've been hard for you just to write all of this down so Imagine telling your girlfriend. You're doing great here, you realized that you have a problem and need to recover from it. So many people watch porn everyday, until one day, they realize what it's doing to them. Porn is compared to heroin and cocaine, so we are all trying to recover from something very serious. I don't judge you at all, and you shouldn't judge yourself either. Porn is an inner wolf trying to take control over you.. when you're on porn, you are NOT YOURSELF and you can do very crazy things. It's great to hear that you are so positive and you believe in yourself. Keep up the fight, you are a winner and you will get through this.
Amén to what you said @SoberSquirrel Thanx for support and your words. Keep up the fight too, united in struggle!
I was thinking this morning, how when using porn my thought process was so completely different. It is like being two people at once, with the rift between the two tearing at our being. Depression, anxiety, scattered thoughts, lack of confidence, physical/mental impotence and a general numbness towards life being the byproduct of the splintered self. I had a similar fetish to yours(BlackNinja94,) and it continually tugs at me to come back. I owe it to myself, family, and friends to get past this and rediscover who I truly am, in whole. I'm pretty confident that the real "me" is going to like what it finds!
