Crisis Situation...I don't know what to do

I am the wife of a porn addict. He isn't on nofap, but has been working with a therapist and also attending group therapy for porn addiction. He has gone 110 days without PMO (so obviously he has been making an effort). He also has a history of blatantly flirting with other women. Most recently (that I am aware of) was one year ago, with a woman he worked with. We had been married 10 months at the time, and were getting ready for a move and career changes for both of us. I felt a lot of disconnection between us and he was avoiding sex. I spent this period of our marriage (a good 2 months) crying myself to sleep while he slept with his back towards me. When I tried to talk about it he blamed me for being too busy (and I was busy I will admit, packing for the move and dealing with a lot of family drama) and not giving him enough attention. At one point he said I was "gross." Through all this I felt so ashamed that I wasn't being a good wife to him and tried my best to be better. I cooked nice meals, kept the house spotless, planned quality time, etc.
Fast forward to D-Day, four months ago, and that's when he came clean about his porn addiction (again), flirting with this chick at work, and also admitting to two more sex partners he had before we met (he lied about this many times to me, I always knew he wasn't telling the whole truth so this didn't surprise me so much).
The flirting at work is devastating to me. I had asked him about this particular new coworker at least 3 times and he denied anything going on. Eventually he admitted that he told her he thought she was attractive, and that she regularly vented to him about her boyfriend. In one such instance, my husband told her "I would take care of you but I can't, I'm married." He says he meant this as a joke. He admitted to me that he was attracted to her and wanted to have sex with her. He says that after this "but-I-can't-I'm-married" incident, he distanced himself from her for the remainder of his time at that job (maybe 2 weeks- one month, he won't give me any timeline). The start of this "distancing" I believe coincided with a fight he and I had about not connecting and him looking and acting as if I was disgusting to him.

I am posting tonight, because I just told him I want to separate. This isn't the first time I've said it since D-Day, four months ago. Usually he talks me out of it, this time I can't shake the feeling. He is working so hard on the porn addiction...I'm proud of him... it's the dishonesty and flirting that is causing me the most pain. He is very remorseful and is begging me to stay but I just don't trust him. He hurt me so bad, all the promises not to flirt again, not to watch porn again, not to LIE again. I'm so, so tired and I feel completely hopeless when I think of a future with him. I feel worthless and unwanted. He has asked that we wait until our next marriage counseling appointment (in two weeks) to talk anymore about separation.

I will wait as he as asked... But we will be staying in separate bedrooms. We have no children and I would like to keep it that way since I don't trust him.

I am very torn. I do care deeply about this man, and I see his remorse, I see he is trying tremendously. But my pain just seems insurmountable. I don't see myself forgiving and forgetting everything, no matter how hard I've been trying. I feel like a failure for not being able to do so and I commend all the other spouses who have found compassion for their addicts. I feel pathetic and horrible for not being able to forgive mine yet, even with all the progress he has made.

My questions are.....What would you do??? Should I stay or should I go? Has anyone else dealt with someone with flirting issues? What if he's remorseful and I am still hurting?? What do I do??

I was trying to wait the recommended "6 month to one year from d-day" before making any major decisions, but I am so discouraged. I have been doing everything "right," seeing a therapist, marriage counseling, educating on sex addiction, taking care of myself, trying to connect, etc.... And tonight I feel just as devastated as I did when I found out everything.

When will it get better?? What else can I do to make it better? And when do you know if it's time to call it quits?

I'm sorry this is so long and self-pitying, I'm not in the best place right now.

 

Thank you everyone for your responses. It has been a rough 24 hours.
He has moved to the spare bedroom, and I have resolved not to act until after we speak with our marriage counsellor on Feb 13. I may email her tomorrow and see if we can get in any sooner.

@Ikindaknew I agree. This is the biggest issue for me. "I'd take care of you but I can't I'm married." Those words are playing like a broken record in my head 24/7. He has always flirted, which was a big enough problem, but this time I don't know if I can forgive, because he was obviously thinking he'd rather be with her. It seems much more than just admiring and complimenting an attractive woman. He can't give me any answers as to why, or what attracted him to her, or how he could let it escalate to this point. He says he is "working on it" and I need to stop asking questions until he figures it out. I told him I can't move on until I have more information. He insists he wasn't falling in love with her and that she wasn't "special," and would never DO anything... but also says that she is the only on she flirted with in this way. These statements seem like a complete contradiction to me.

@Rav70 and @TheWife I should probably clarify the "gross" comment. It happened one year ago (around the same time the flirting was going on apparently), and I had just rolled up the rim on a Tim Hortons cup with my teeth (yes, I'm Canadian lol), and he said "Ewww you're gross," with a disgusted look on his face. This, along with the fact that at the time we were completely disconnected and he was barely interacting or having sex with me, was blow to the self esteem. I immediately said how hurtful that was and he insists to this day that he never meant I was gross, just what I was DOING was gross (I'm not sure why, I am sure I am not the first person to roll up the rim with their mouths).
<----------This whole paragraph sounds very silly and petty to me and I am embarrassed to even post it. But anyways, that's how it went down.

I am looking forward to this in-home therapeutic separation to reflect on some of the questions @The Wife suggested. I have tried answering some of these before but just haven't found the space to do so yet. My husband and I work together from home, so he is around constantly. Some evenings alone are just what I need and I will be making them a priority in the next weeks. @nomo , I have thought just what you posted so many times in the past few months. I could be free from this, and maybe heal. What has made me stay so far is his remorse and determination to change. What I need to figure out I suppose is whether or not I can handle staying by him while he works on himself. I am afraid that the cut might be too deep this time. But I also know that I have had this feeling many times, and it has passed with patience. This round just seems to be lasting longer than usual though, which scares me.

I truly am grateful for the responses <3 I don't have anyone to talk to about this except my therapist who I've been seeing biweekly since d-day. Unfortunately that is the nature of sex addiction, there isn't a lot of opportunity to talk about it. That's why this forum is so amazing!!!!

 

Thank you for the link, I just checked it out and it sounds like exactly what I want to do right now, to get some space and find some clarity!

 

Hahaha! That made me giggle
I wish he had been joking, if I thought he was joking I could brush it off....but he said it seriously, and was looking at me like I'd just barfed on his shoes or something lol.

 

Maybe it is just a filter problem... I don't know. The monkey face is MY face after he says something without filtering haha.

He was flirting at his old job, before the career change and the move (the move and job change had nothing to do with the flirting, we had already decided to before she started working with him, and I didn't find out about the flirting til much later).
It has been an adjustment, but we don't have a lot of other options career-wise right now, it's my family's business, we are working towards taking it over from my dad. We moved and started working here in March last year, and it hasn't been an easy road, my father is a poor manager and an alcoholic. The stress of managing everything and the learning curve to do so has been really hard on both my husband and I... and now the PMO addiction and more lies are revealed. It's overwhelming.

Thank you for the reminder to empower myself, I'll be doing more of that. You are right, he totally takes me for granted. I don't know if me focusing on myself will change that, but at least it will help me feel stronger right? Strong enough to leave, or stay, whatever I decide. I don't know yet if it's too late or not... I think he can learn...He asked me this morning if he could take me on a date tonight, so he is trying. I'm just afraid of the damage he's done already. I truly want to forgive him, I do still love him, but when I think about staying I feel completely hopeless. The idea of leaving gives me a sense of relief right now... but I know I can't leave until I'm sure. I won't learn anything by running from the pain and I have to face it before I decide, as hard as that is.

Anyways, he's apparently booked tickets for us to go to a play tonight - positive headway, right! I have agreed to go with him, so I'm going to stop this ridiculous crying, dress up and look my best and hold my head high this evening while I try to observe and appreciate the good he is doing. I really hope it lasts.