Searching for my true self. 90 Days Journey.Wet Dreams. (postponed) Guess what?

Well, I'm tired of this. I hate this cycle, I just can't stop me from doing this stuff..I don't know what to do anymore, it's been so long since I've been on this path of recovery but with no results..I'm simply sick,I have a disease..I just want to break these chains..wish I could stop myself..

 

Even though we are separated through these screens,phones your words "reach" me,you're the only ones I can relate to. Thank you for your support,I'm broken but I'm trying to recover the lost pieces of me. You made me shed tears. Love.

 

Well, it's already Day 3. I've spent last night with my girlfriend, chatting ,watching stand-up, cuddling,kissing,touching..but no sex or something. I noticed that I'm focusing more on the physical-ephemeral experience than the soul-perennial one. For example, when we simply do something, I tend to exhaust the love,I tend to touch,to act as if it is the prelude to a sexual act. I don't know how to explain this better. It's like my mind focuses only on one thing,how to get pussy faster.

I need to love, I need to feel the moment,to appreciate the whole being that it is my girlfriend,not only her body...I wish I could be more innocent in love.

This is what PMO has done to me. Every action I do needs to have a sexual response,a small dose of dopamine, a small euphorical moment. ​

 

It's almost the end of Day 5..I'm feeling kind of low,but not because of PMO,but because of my studies..I'm starting to feel that I did a mistake choosing to study Civil Engineering,I had other expectations..and this makes me really depressed. I just hope I won't fall in the darkness of my brain and do something stupid. Aarrhh..I've been battling with this constant idea of what should I do with my life, and I hadn't find a balance between something I'd like to do and something that will help me sustain myself. This confusion leads me to not wanting anything and this as a last step leads me to depression and pmo..

 

I wish I could know what to do with my life and be happy about it..

 

Very true, I am aware of the fact that I spend a lot of time thinking, searching for the right thing and the youth is passing me by ..I'll sure be angry when I get old for losing my best years in this tangled situation.

That's great advice man, I really try to involve in everything I cand besides studies,cultural events,charity,theatre,and some other stuff,I want to meet new people, and to actually do something, I feel good when I have stuff to do. Thank you all for your uplifting words. I wish you the best.

 

Here I am ..Day 9 is shining upon me. Mixed feelings,If I'm busy I'm okay,If not I become sad,again and again and again. Really need to evade sadness. I just don't feel okay with how my life is going. It's like I'm not satisfied but on the other hand I don't know what could satisfy me..it's an endless run for the right answer.

Another problem would be that I have high expectations from people,situations, and then,when the moment comes I'm completely dissapointed...maybe this is some sort of egocentrism,pride,I don't know. Sometimes I wish people would respond to me in the same way I do for them..or at least CARE ,be more ATTENTIVE...

As for the PMO thing..I've been really stressed these days,and this represents one of the biggest things which push me to do stupid things. I say :"fuck it, i need to relax,let 's watch some porn". Fortunately I came here to talk with you guys and the urge was gone.

I wish my wishes were easier to become true, actually I'm sick of wishing ,hoping,for once I want something other than PMO, RIGHT NOW,in this moment. My life is either a waiting room, or a puzzle with a missin piece.

So many different thoughts...aaaargh..I want to sleep an eternity.

 

Here I am it's been 15 days since I've started this journey..but oh boy I'm exhausted and I really feel that the chaser effect and the urges are killing me. The most important thing for me was and it still is the creation of a new person not just abstaing from PMO . BUT. I'm too tired, I feel like immense quantities of energy are being taken away from me and I'm left empty , and not willing to fight for what I want. For example at the end of the day I'm content just with the fact that I didn't watch porn or masturbate and because of this I don't do something for my NEW me like reading,searching for information, meditating etc. I don't feel like I'm evolving.....

Despite all this I've noticed that I'm more connected to what I do and to the people around me, I really want to make a difference , I really want to change myself. Love you all and wish you the best ,have a nice day and stay strong.!!

 

Oh, one more thing. I really like reading about addictions in general , I have a big interest on this topic, and I found it very useful in reading about the 12 steps of transformations which were initially created by the AA group, but because addictions have similar patterns one can easily transfer what he learns from alcohol addiction let's say to his PMO problem. The book is called Steps of Transformation-An Orthodox Priest Explores the Twelve Steps written by Father Meletios Webber.

 

17 days people . Emotional rollecoaster since I began. Arrggghhh. I want to be constantly happy. I want to throw anxiety out of my way, and to feel more confident. This is what years and years of PMO have brought upon me...shyness, anxiety in almost every aspect and moment of my social life. I feel so comfortable in my bed at home under my blanket..wish I could fight back my fears. I NEED TO GET OUT OF MY COMFORT ZONE.