What I’ve learned in the NoFap community is valuable. I will keep a journal to record my progress so far. This is my first journal entry about my experience. I never thought about keeping a journal but I think this will help me keep track of my thoughts and when I share this, people will benefit from it too. Today, I have relapsed. 2 times MO’d in 2 days. Today is November 27th, 2015, today is Thanksgiving. I MO’d today and yesterday but without the porn. I focused on the feeling itself. No fantasy, just MO’d but without porn or fantasy. M, alone, was making me lazy, depressed, prone to anger and easy to become emotional. I went to a thanksgiving party. There were happy people, happy old people, and people smiling and laughing and enjoying their time. There were people gossiping and talking about their experience in school, their past vacations, and their lives. I was eating good food there, also smiling and laughing and mingling with others. My social anxiety was still there but less, but there was still a feeling of shame and insecurity. I felt tired and something was missing. Like a part of me was missing, it felt like a fraction of my spirit was missing…not to be superstitious, but it’s a metaphor. I know where to social anxiety was coming from. Back when I was still PMO’ing, I was constantly looking at people’s body parts…her breasts, butt, shoulders, neck, bulges, etc…and I take glances. I was sexually objectifying anyone around me…both guys and women. Like I am still watching P, like real life situation was a big movie screen of porn. Most of the time, women do catch my glances…and it becomes offensive to them because I was doing this constantly….and subconsciously! Sometimes they would give me that look: “what are you looking at you pervert?!”, that kind of look! I did not have control of where I was looking. It was like a porn movie in real life….except, it wasn’t porn! It is true what they say that it contains our Life force. I have been on this challenge since July, 5 months of no porn. The first 2 relapses I had were purely from PMO. The 2nd sets of relapses were from fantasizing but without porn. The 3rd set of relapse was because I felt like I needed to release because I had too much sperm down there. I mean literally, my balls were huge after 20+ days. I felt like I had to release, but when I did, I felt tired, relaxed, and depressed again. I didn’t get depressed because I got upset from MO relapse, I felt depressed and out of energy because my body is. I had to make sure about a Placebo effect. I can clarify that it is not placebo effect. Whenever I did this, I felt the same way: depressed, out of energy, tired and emotional. It may be different for others… I was looking through Facebook to see my uploaded pictures from the Thanksgiving party. My boy cousin, a Martial Artist, my girl cousin, a graduating Nurse Anesthetist, was there, and successful people who were teachers, nurses, army, and navy. As I looked on the picture, my cousins are filled with happiness, including others. I had to fake a smile. I was feeling depressed and tired. I went along with their moods because I didn’t want to be the lonely one. I looked tired, out of energy and depressed even though I faked a smile….and there’s only one reason why. I went home and immediately went to bed to go to sleep. After a couple of hours, I woke up and kept thinking…Why are my cousins always happy? And why am I not happy? I asked myself these questions: 1) Why am I depressed? I don’t know, but when I do masturbate, I always feel like that. 2) Why am I so tired when I masturbate? I don’t know! 3) Why do procrastinate so much when I do masturbate? Because I feel tired all the time. 4) Over the years of masturbating constantly, what the hell have I achieved that is so great? Nothing. I graduated High school…but that’s it! I don’t have a job, I don’t have a girlfriend and I don’t have a fulfilling life! 5) Why do I don’t get any attention? If I do get attention, why do I shy away from it?! 6) Why are the women drawn to me when I was on day 32nd? I don’t know! 7) Why do the women don’t pay attention to me when I MO’d?! I don’t know! 8) Why were the women checking me out when I was on day 21?! I don’t know! 9) Why were the women not checking me out when I was on day 5?! I don’t know…. 10)Could it be that I am holding on to my life force and could it be that I am not holding on to my life force? It could be! But whenever I do…they are drawn to me…maybe because I look happy, confident and energetic…but whenever I don’t, maybe because I look tired, depressed and shitty. 11)Are women attracted to NoFap men? Maybe! because we look confident, energetic and happy. From what I observed, when I go beyond day 20, I feel confident, energetic and happy…..it could be from that…because I look average…not your typical pretty boy! 12)If I continue this behavior of masturbation, what will I achieve? 13)If I continue to watch porn, what will I achieve? 14)If I continue to objectify women, what will I achieve? 15)If I continue to PMO, what will I achieve? 16)If I continue to relapse and not reach 90 days, what will I achieve? 17)If I give up and relapse now because I want to feel 5-30 seconds of orgasm, what will I fulfill in my life? 18)Do I always want to look tired in my pictures? 19)Do I always want to look unconfident and inept around women? HELL NO! 20)Do I want to be confident? YES! 21)Do I want to develop social skills? Yes! 22)Do I want to develop social skills to able to talk to women? Yes! 23)Do I want a girlfriend? Hell yes… 24)Do I want her just for sex? No, I want to make happy. 25)Do I want to be happy? Yes! 26)Do I want to break my addiction of masturbation and continue on with life? Yes! 27)Is constant masturbation a sex addiction that went along with porn addiction over the years? Yes. 28)Do I want to stop both of these addictions forever? Yes. 29)Do I want to be the best man for her when I get married? Yes 30)Do I want to continue this behavior? No, I want to improve my life! 31)Do I want to reach a full reboot? Yes! 32)Should I relapse now and feel 5-30 seconds of pleasure versus fulfillment of my life? Certainly not.
Thanks for posting. You and I are going very similar struggles. It makes me feel better that I am not the only one struggling with these issues.
No problem man...I hope you have a better life. I am struggling too...I only wish to fulfill my life with achievements. This is a good step. It really does help. If you need an AP, let me know...
Thanks. I know my life will get better just like yours will get better. You have the desire to want to improve your life and that is the first step. Just don't lose that fire inside even if you have times of failure.
