Imagine a scenario, You came out of PMO addiction and got productive and even attending school while working full time. You met a traditional woman who is feminine and also hard working. You start to notice that she is one of those woman you could start a family with and walk in love. After 2-3 months of dating you ask her to be your girlfriend. She accepts. You are both hardworking persons and manage to meet up once or twice a week. Both of you are making eachother loving gifts and gestures, that makes you feel appreciated and loved just like she feels. You make plans for the future summer mini trips, she knitted you warm socks, gloves. Eveything is going stable and good, until you start hearing complaints on her increased workload from her job that's making her stressed. You listen to her, feel her, and give your own advice. Life goes on as before, you still do date nights, and things together, but sometimes she's just mad on her employer and too much work, when there should be 2 persons on this job. Again you listen and ask her more questions and or provide recommendation. This complaints occasionally go on and on one month you notice you are not talking that much anymore on messaging, she's more quiet, reserved and not as open like before. She is telling it's her job and she is becoming overwhelmed but needs to do those project tasks on time. So you understand and give her the time she needs and not distract her. She is talking to you less and less. After you ask her how her life is. No time for dates or spending time together for 2 weeks alread. You go shopping and buy her some food, because you know she is anxious and have little appetite, and visit her in her place. She is so off, depressed, sad, anxious, occasionally weeping and complaining, you are there with her and being with her. You go home, because you want to give her peace and try to chat with her again after couple of days and she said she realized that she is off too and not alright and she wants time and space for herself. You say you understand and talk about us and ask do you want us to pause? She says shes's not able to provide in this relationship at the moment, because she has not time and mental energy, she has to come out of this herself. You say you understand, and cant really do anything to help her (unless you make 10 000 a month and bail her out from her job, so she can find a better one, but you dont) After couple of days goes by and you decide that after your workday you grab a dinner and surprise her and give it to her, because she mentioned she has so little money left for the remainder of month for food, because of extra expenses of moving to another rental apartement. You know she is busy as hell, grinding through depression and stress to not get fired from her job, so you just think "I just give her the food and leave, since I am also busy later that evening" You drive up to her rental, and call her. She doesnt answer and cancels the call. This has never happened, You call her from facebook messenger, she cancels that. You know she is in home as lights are on the first floor and you can notice her behind her computer. You still want to give her the food, because you bought it to her, but the outside door is also locked to the house and into the corridor, where her apartment is and the ring is not working currently, you just decide tho throw little bebbles on her window hoping she calls you. She calls back, says she's on a videocall with a friend and tells you she is stressed as fuck and cant be in a relationship and tells you to go away. You said you wanted to give her some food, but understand and drive away. Next day she writes that this was uncomfortable to experience, and she needs time and space for herself. She cant be in relationship with anybody at the moment, because she needs to come out of this mess. And hopes you undertand. You say you understand and thats it, no more chats after that. You feel pain and dread. Since you care for her and most likely she just broke up with you, even when you had so much in common, made future plans, and had meaningful experiences. You wonder, should you ever write her back or maybe occasionally send her flowers (1 time a month) to remind her that you as her boyfriend you are still here and I care and want to support you. But you know you should give her a pause and let her come back to your and not chase her away by your neediness. But you are her boyfriend or kinda boyfriend and partners should support eachother even when they become distant, because of life events. You wonder should not bother her or remind you to her with flowers, since you too are quite lonely person and she was your best friend and also a lover. Finding new friends are out of the question at the moment since in school you have exams and in summer you have to write your research paper. Should I show my affection and care for her from the occasional flower delivery, Or not talk to her at all and let her come back when she is ready? (maybe she wont because feelings will diminish in time)
From personal experience do not bother her. If a woman wants to be with you she will find it even if she is in hell. Do not suffocate her. If she wants something she will come alone. But do not bring yourself down!
I'm going to imagine myself in this position. At this point, I would hope to have taken the hint that she no longer wants to see me anymore. I would hope that I would understand that her excuses with work are simply that; excuses. The truth is that such a woman simply isn't that into me anymore, and she's just afraid to tell me straight up to my face. So she starts to ghost me, hoping that I'll catch on and leave. It's the cowardly way out, but it happens a lot. And thus, all of this actively pursuing her after she's lost interest in me would be a complete waste of my time. And also giving the impression that I'm needy and desperate. So I would hope that I would communicate to her that I'm no longer interested in being exclusive and thus, going to date other women. At that time, she will either double down on her efforts to keep the relationship alive or she will let me loose. But all this One-itis behavior pursuing her like a puppy dog sounds a bit obsessive. Needy and desperate. Where's the confident me that she once knew? I started cringing as I heard the narrative of all the things done to chase after her attention. I imagine if I was in your shoes doing all that you did for a woman, I wouldn't be surprised to find out that she's not only uninterested in me, but completely repulsed by me. I would never expect her to rekindle those feelings for me again. Take this as a learning experience. There's probably an underlying reason why she lost interest in you. And I don't believe it has anything to do with her work. I would have self-reflected and asked what was it about me that turned her off. No judgement. Just making an honest observation. If she really liked you, her work would probably not have kept her away from you.
If she said more than once that she needs space to get herself in order, give her that space. It's the only way. Let her go more and work on your own goals. Eventually she will turn back to you but that can take a while. But if you keep pressing to her, you will loose her for sure.
I know you're worried feelings might diminish, but I think if you read between the lines, you well see the feelings already have diminished. It's time to move forward with your life. Keep your head up!
Thank you for your perspective, but she does have same symptoms that I did when I got burnt out from my work, did not want to see anyone and only talked to my closest friend. We were both pursuing eachother few months ago, but yeah stuffs happen and I could not lead it to the place I wanted, an introspective to my value as fully available partner indeed.
Thank you, I had the same thoughts inside, but somewhat emotional attachment and feelings clouds my reasonings.
Yea I had similar experiences from long and short relationships. When she is into you she will find crazy ways to contact you. Friends, work and stuff like that do not matter! She will have only 3 hours to sleep, but spend them with you. I have been on both sides. I have been thinking almost the same things as you. It never works how you want it to. Most of the times when a woman stops paying you the same attention as before the reason are finding someone more exiting or if she does not jump like that just losing the value she was seeing in you as a man. And when you start suffocating her with more unwanted attention you become even more unattractive.
It’s okay, it may or may not have been her work that is bothering her and caused the breakup If she hates her job so much, she could try and find another one or get more roommates. anyways, it’s pretty much impossible to change the way she feels right now. but yea, maybe give her a call in 6 - 8 weeks and see how she responds
She kinda got this high pay job, but not have been so great with her personal finances and expenses with car loans and other loans eat up most of her salary. Cant go to lower salary than she currently has otherwise be in personal bankruptcy. Currently any other analytic jobs arent available in our town that has the same amount of salary as her current one, so she has to deal with it, work hard and try to apply for a better one, if it comes. I like the idea of calling her after a month or two, and see how she responds, asking for a meetup also would be too much maybe.
Yea I’d say do that, call her in a month or two and ask if she wants to meet up. And in the meantime, try and focus on other personal goals. And get a good NoFap streak going so when you call her you are on a good streak
Drop her and any thoughts about her. She dumped you, she gave you a clear message that it's over. This has happened to all of us and the only solution is to move on. Good luck, Nomo
It's hard to believe that she like forever dumped me and ended the relationship, she contributed quite a lot too: gifts and even booked us cruise ship tickets for travelling, generally did all the things a girlfriend would do. But yes I agree, she decided to dis-engage on her circumstances and that's saying something and I am also hurt. And the best solution seems to prepare for the worst/hope for the best and move on with life.
Yes, there's something called self esteem. You don't let anyone walk over you. If they are crossing boundaries, it's time to moveon. Prioritize yourself for a while, work on your self. You need to prioritize rational thinking over being emotionally vulnerable. You spent a part of your life with this women, did you have a good time? if so, i's time to let go. Don't be a b about it. Let her choose her life, while you do so for yourself.
