Seeking Advice from Married Couples with Kids...

I totally understand what you are going through, and I'm sorry about that.

Here's the way I would frame the use of porn for you tell me if I'm wrong, (it had been a major, but not only trigger for my use). You desire connection, yet you also disconnect when she doesn't connect on your terms. When you feel that disconnect, you are going to porn as a way to substitute for that disconnection, be it a disagreement in parenting, her not being in the mood, fill in the blank. You feel alone, and PMO becomes a way to feel better for a little while. In a place where you feel alone, addiction fills those voids.

There's a huge problem with this, regardless of any part your wife has in it. You are also disconnecting, you are going to PMO, instead of working through those real life challenges. PMO causes you to not communicate, like with parenting, I imagine you have PMO'd after a disagreement/argument left that disagreement in a resentful mindset and went and PMO'd to escape. Even though it's not always YOUR fault, it is your fault for going to that instead of going back to the conversation when things cool down. I can almost guarantee that there are all sorts of affects your PMO habit is having on the communication with your wife that you don't realize.

My suggestion, is find some people you can talk to about your struggles, things that bother you, etc. You can't just keep it all inside, especially if you and your wife aren't on the same page. Get a therapist, call some friends, journal here, find whatever healthy outlet for those feelings you need to get them out of your system. Do this as a new replacement for the old PMO habit. In time, I think you will find your conversations with your wife will slowly improve by not having a PMO addiction. This improvement isn't linear unfortunately, and there will be times you are very frustrated, but, that is never an excuse to disconnect with PMO.

As far as you being affectionate, and her not being so, I also understand this dynamic and it does make things hard, I suggest 90 days hard mode for this. Too often when I tried a no PM only reboot, infrequent intimacy with my wife became a trigger, taking all of that off the table for a season myself really helped me. Even when we were having more frequent intimacy, the moments of emotional disconnection were huge triggers. Setting all that aside I think was the only way I would have ever cracked 90 days.

There are lots of books out there that can help you in this too and as I have journaled here, there's been so many book suggestions, that I had to start writing them on a list to remember them all! You might check out "The 5 Love Languages" by Gary Chapman.

I can't not share my favorite podcaster/youtuber here either, heard this caller today, it's worth a listen. His content has helped me a lot.

 

PMO allows us to put our mind on cruise control. But that shouldn't be the answer; instantaneous rewards never brought about any long term good. Previously I felt trapped because all my friends were my wife's friends. All my social gatherings became my wife's social gatherings, there wasn't an outlet or place where I couldn't speak freely without concern that my wife would be noting whatever I say in her 'bad books'. But a therapist allows for that. Speak to a therapist. Humans are social beings and if we keep all our frustrations within, something has to give.

 

Bingo, what it points out as well to is that you need friends that are "your" friends. Ones that you enjoy being around and are a good influence.

I think there's more to the why than just that though. Keep working on that.

 

In what way do you parent differently? Is there any way you can get (more) onto the same page regarding this? Can she respect your parenting style even as she chooses to parent differently? Can you respect hers?

How did the way in which you and your wife were parented as children differ?