Still a virgin

If it makes you feel any better, know that I'm 34 years old and still a virgin. There's more to life than having sex. Life is about having control over the bodily senses. Even if you did find someone to have sex with you, would that make your life any more peaceful or fulfilling? the problem with loneliness doesn't go away the moment you first have sex. I wish it was that easy!

 

Hey man, I feel your pain. I was a virgin until quite late and I can understand the anxiety that surrounds it only too well.
Three points, that will be unlikely to make you feel better, but I hope you might find some solace in:

1. Being a virgin in your 20s is far from uncommon.
   
2. It might seem like everyone around you is having sex, but most of them won't be having nearly as much as you think they are. People exaggerate and lie, especially at that age.
3. You will lose your virginity at some point, and you'll struggle to see what all the fuss is about. It's hard to imagine, as it seems like the most important thing in the world, but it really doesn't matter all that much.

You've got friends, so you must be a likeable guy, and it sounds like you're working on yourself, so that's great. I found fitness helped to massively increase my self esteem, reduce anxiety levels, and working out in groups helped me work on my social skills. So try to focus on things in your life that make you happy and build you up. Put yourself out there, get out your comfort zone and try to meet people, and one day it'll just happen.
Don't beat yourself up, you're only young.

 

Hi Adir, that’s great that you decide to share your pain and frustration! Don’t forget you have a long life ahead, plenty of discoveries to make, nothing needs to be hurried.
i can feel with you, I was 24 when I had sex for the first time (I’m 55 now), my gf was a bit older girl who took most of the initiative, i am so grateful for those few months. I’m sure some time your moment will come, keep up with your workouts, add in any hobby where you meet people.

By the way there is one book that I discovered last summer that I wish I had known when I was your age: Robert Glover “No more Mr Nice Guy”: that was a (late) revelation to me! (You can get it s as ebook for Kindle) I’ve always been likeable, had female friends, pleased the girls … but was not desirable coz I seeked validation from the girls I liked. In case you are in a similar situation: read that. Same author wrote “Dating Essentials for Men”. Another useful one is “Teach yourself flirting” by Sam van Rood.

good luck and take your time. One future day your friends might be jealous about your success, who knows?

 

Hey @DvDAdir, I feel the pain and anxiety that you're going through. This culture, our friend groups, and the media put so much pressure on virgins to have sex, like not having sex is something wrong, like there is something broken. This is not true, however, there could be something in you that is preventing you from magnetizing-in the right woman, environment, situation, to share your sacred sexual energy with.

Don't have sex just to have sex and "not be a virgin anymore." Feeling your own pressure or discomfort is the wrong reason to heave sex. Honor yourself and go deeper. I know you've tried journaling but without proper support and the right questions, you may be spinning your wheels.

Send me a direct message if you'd like some 1-on-1.

 

I disagree with your philosophy sir. If sex is not important then how the hell did me, you & the OP get here? Sex is a big part of life believe it or not. Why do you think dudes be doing all of this self improvement crap? They do it so they can attract the highest quality mate as possible. Idk about you but I'm not going the rest of my life being celibate.

 

I feel your pain. I'm 35 and haven't had sex yet. Never felt true love from someone else, and it just leaves me as a basket case, just trying to hide it every day.

I always wonder how long this will last until I find my true love

 

Bro, don't talk nonsense, life is about sex.

 

Society is sex driven. I mean, yes, there are other enjoyable things in this world

 

To the people saying there is little difference before and after losing your virginity, respectfully you lost your virginity a long time ago and have forgotten what it is like.

 

If you are a virgin, you can become a great sage, as long as you don't masturbate and entertain sexual pursuits. Look at Gandalf and Dumbledore for example.

If you aren't a virgin, you can become successful. Use the knowledge sex gives you to learn how to impress, flatter, manipulate others. You won't find a virgin on the list of billionaires, and you won't even find a woman virgin on the list of millionaires (not including inheritance, of course).

 

Being sexless not by choice does damage to a guy's mind. I know for certain, because I have it BAD

 

Solution is simple. Be sexless by choice until you are not sexless.

 

LOL that's impossible for me

 

Sure, sex is a social construct. It has nothing to do with biology or evolution, and people didn't have sex or thought about it before porn became mainstream. And there are better feelings than orgasm, for example going to fishing, or studying, so much fun.

 

Until I get this burden off my mind, nothing else will be pleasurable

 

Yes, much of sex as we think of it is socially influenced. Oral sex, anal sex, masturbation. There are times and places in human history when these things are not present in the social consciousness. As far as the sensation of orgasm, it feels pretty damn good, but being a strong man with some good sense and confidence feels a lot better, and lasts a lot longer, than an orgasm, does it not?

 

You and I both. I'm a decade older (give or take), and I'm in the exact same position as yourself. Personally, I've made my peace with it (sort of), but I understand that everyone out there is not me.

One trap that one can easily fall into is comparing himself with others. A prominent problem amongst porn addicts is the lack of feeling complete, so looking at the lives of people who seem more successful than we are can easily lead to an ever-increasing inferiority complex. There's nothing wrong with aspiring to be like successful people (within reason), but it's also important to know and come to terms with your own limitations. We won't always have the same results as other people; we have our own race to run in life.

It's good that you're in the gym (I almost never work out), but women aren't as concerned with physique as so many men tell themselves. Women are humans, and humans are animals; they're wired by evolution to pass on the best possible genes with the most attractive mates. Muscles pale in comparison to immutable traits such as bone structure, height, etc. These are all things that we have no control over (except maybe through extreme surgery), but we also can't control who finds us attractive either.

As I'm in the same position as yourself, I try hard not to think about it and busy myself with other tasks in life. If you do happen to find a woman who is interested, then I suppose you have nothing to lose to see if she's a good match for you. Still, I caution you, don't fall into the trap where you start telling yourself that a relationship will make you happy, especially if you're recovering from an addiction. Many men on this forum will remind you that being in a relationship didn't automatically bring happiness, and as for porn, it just gave them an extra person to hide their addiction from.

You have no idea how much I envy your tastes, considering the disgusting fetishes I developed. Jokes aside, it appears that your preference is just you wanting to enjoy being intimate with a partner; obviously the X-rated stuff has to go, but I think that understanding why we crave what we crave can give us greater clarity. I mean, it seems like you have honourable intentions where relationships ae concerned, but just remember that in the real world, sex is a VERY small part of a day-to-day relationship. My suggestion would be to try and counterbalance your desire for intimacy with all the responsibilities that a relationship comes with. That realism can help to temper fantasies and decrease them (at least they did with me).

One-night stand sites? You mean like escorts?

Well, you are trying to quit this addiction. That to me is an achievement, even if it doesn't seem that way. Remember, the journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step. I once heard that the key to living a meaningful life is to make someone else's life more meaning. In my case, I signed up to volunteer at a food bank, as well as training to work with the homeless. It's a small step, but it can make a huge difference in another person's life. Furthermore, is there something in life that you're passionate about? For me, I fell in love with photography, but that's specific to me (and the hobby itself is incredibly expensive). That could also be another place to start, if you think about it.

Meanwhile, if you need an accountability partner, I'd be more than happy to work with you. We all need all the help we can get.

 

That is mainly a male mindset as their primary attraction to women is their look and that is so because in their ape-mind good look = young = fertile, women care more about MATERIAL POSSESSION and PERSONALITY, as what they are looking for in a male is a provider, protector and supporter; so they like men who are tall because taller men all things being equal are STRONGER than shorter ones, and can therefor get more of those MATERIAL POSSESSION for her offspring.
(Men are also INTIMIDATED by muscle and strength)

Moreover Physical strength is the most important thing in life. As humanity has developed throughout history, physical strength has become less critical to our daily existence, but no less important to our lives. Our strength, more than any other thing we possess, still determines the quality and the quantity of our time here in these bodies. Whereas previously our physical strength determined how much food we ate and how warm and dry we stayed, it now merely determines how well we function in these new surroundings we have crafted for ourselves as our culture has accumulated. But we are still animals – our physical existence is, in the final analysis, the only one that actually matters. A weak man is not as happy as that same man would be if he were strong. This reality is offensive to some people who would like the intellectual or spiritual to take precedence. It is instructive to see what happens to these very people as their squat strength goes up.

This is true whether we want it to be or not. These are the old truths we are painfully rediscovering after a century and more of sentimental cant. Those who deny them deny their family, their heritage, their culture, their birthright, their very selves! They will not be forgiven lightly.