Caught cheating a 2nd time

Agree - they still haven't connected me with a counsellor and it's been 2 days. I've unsubscribed from their service, will look towards other in-person counsellors instead

 

i'm not really sure, what's going on, this morning i had a shortness of breath, everything in my body just felt tense, i couldn't think i just felt nervous, felt like a panic attack.

I just can't bear the thought of losing my wife.

 

Booked in-person counselling session for first thing tomorrow morning. Lets see how it goes

 

After thinking about this on a deeper level. PMO + Sex addiction doesn't really go away, it comes in and out of your life like a drug dealer who comes to you at your most vulnerable.
Post 2021, I thought i was done with P and done with PMO, and honestly I was. I felt great, was living a fulfilling life, recovered slowly from the loss of my uncle.

In early 2024, during one of my lowest moments, PMO + Sex addiction came knocking, what I didn't realise this time was I let my guard down, I thought I could control my urges, control myself. But as we all know on here, once we flip that switch, it's nearly impossible to turnaround.
If I had to put to words what I had done differently, it would have been to

1) be honest with my wife about how I felt
2) have been more conscious with my previous past with PMO and that at any moment all the work I had previously put in could disappear

the road ahead won't be easy, I'm willing to use the rest of my life to atone for my sins to my wife. To do whatever is required to make her feel secure and safe again.
I told her today, I will never ask for a 3rd chance at forgiveness and this will be the last and final chance I get.

 

I agree, let me discuss this with my counsellor today, and see what I can do

 

Day 5

Slept miserably, kept waking up, tossing and turning. Feeling nervous about today's counselling session, had a minor nightmare I was late to the session and the session was cancelled on me.
I'm going to be 100% honest with my counsellor today, put it all on the table. See what they have to say and what they recommend.
It's going to take some time. I also took some time off from work, bosses were ok with me taking time off since work was slow anyway.

I agree with Psalm and Kevin's advice; what I needed was a group of friends which I could've spoken to about my struggles; what I also needed was perhaps some "me time" to help regulate my emotions.
Its not that I don't want to spend every minute and every day with my wife; but what I would've liked was perhaps pockets of "me time" to self regulate my emotions.

I think if I could've done more to prevent and understand what was going on inside my head. I would've been more prepared for all this.

 

Day 5.5

Just finished my counselling session, it was relief in some way to put it all on the table. Just to be honest about it all.

Common themes noted by the counsellor of my behaviours

• Sweeping issues and emotions under the rug
• Resort to numbing actions when dealing with negative emotions such as anger and sadness. Under development of emotions

Going back for a 2nd session on Friday, counsellor said they need more time to help develop an understanding of my background. Will keep posting here after I complete Friday's session.
In the meantime, got to keep myself busy.

 

Day 5.5

Just alone sitting with my thoughts - I wonder why being a good husband and good boyfriend was never gloried among men. If anything it was more laughed at as being "whipped" or "tamed".
But in reality, being a good significant other is the least you could do for your wife/gf, they would bear your children, give you a home, give you a sense of security.

Why is that among men we tend to make fun at such ideas? And more importantly, why is that we like to sweep our emotions under the rug out of plain sight?
Is it because it makes us feel weak? Shouldn't we instead acknowledge that we are human and have emotions instead?

Food for thought.

 

That's very true and not just only the loudest voices, but the messages that get repeated the most.

 

It doesn't just feel like lamb amongst wolves, it's also the feeling of FOMO. Or the feeling of, what ifs.
But we just have to acknowledge those ideas are just demons living inside our heads distracting us from what really matters.

 

Day 6.

Still slept like crap, woke up with a numb arm. Felt like I barely slept.
Whilst walking my dog this morning, I couldn't help but recall my wife saying - what have you done to repair us?

I don't have the answer yet, perhaps therapy together would be a starting point. It'll be a long road ahead.
All I want to do is move forward from the past, have an open dialogue with my wife about what happened.

 

Day 6

Recalling what happened since 2020; I can now see more clearly why I relapsed

• 2020 - first instance, significant effort through counselling to understand my emotions and PMO
• 2021 - in good state of mind, occupied with significant project at work, height of covid
• 2022 - engagement, puppy arrives home, blissful time of homing new addition to the family and enjoying the status of being engaged - fruitful and joyful year
• 2023 - puppy is integrated into our life, 3 significant projects at work in Jan, May and September, wedding in November - exceptionally fruitful year
• 2024 - work downturn, salary reduction in Jan and Feb; uncertainty with career and future in mid Feb to March

I think having laid this all out in front of my counsellor, it made so much more sense of the up and downs of my emotions. In reality, in 2021 to 2023, I never had any negative emotions, life was cruising by
But in late 2023 to 2024, when things started to reach rock bottom, my inner demons came back to haunt. I couldn't deal with it all coming to me like a tidal wave.

I don't want to dwell on what happened, I did wrong and I admit my wrong wholly. I caused my wife unmeasurable pain and put her through hell.
I was dishonest and I lied again and again.

I guess the other question I have for myself is, how do I future proof this? Ups and downs are a certainty in life, so how will I be confident that in the future when I am at my worst again, I won't turn to my inner demons?

 

i agree, i don't think it's viable to progress until both of us are ready.

 

I think nights are the hardest; not because of temptation, mainly because they're so quiet.
You can put all the netflix and youtube on that you like. But when there's no interaction with anyone, it's just you and your thoughts alone at night.

Waiting for bedtime to come around can feel like an eternity