My Story (Hard to Talk About)

I am with you friend, I'm struggling with the shame of both my pain and my wife's. I don't have any particular words of wisdom, but you are not alone. It's a struggle.

 

I'm growing more and more convinced that the antidote for shame is vulnerability and connection, coupled with empathy. It's unreasonable to expect that constantly solely from your wife. Because she'll have days where she thinks back on those events and struggle with her own emotions from it. But the more open you can be about it to her if she allows it, and also others, the better.

It seems so obvious that the lure of P is a substitute for in person connection. So make that a priority, and surround yourself with people who will be supportive of you.

I also think reframing some of this in your mind will be good. Self acceptance is the first step. You may have done things you are ashamed of, but you made the choice to change. Affirm that to yourself daily.

 

I think a bit of shame can be healthy but it's important not to wallow in it. Take the lesson from it that your actions aren't those of a person you can be proud of. But don't identify with your past actions, identify with the new habits you're going to form. Seek your wife's forgiveness, forgive yourself, and move on.

 

My husband tries to use these negative feelings to strengthen his resolve to never do it again. He has been clean a long time now (will be 5 years in the summer), but I still struggle with a lot of pain and grief over what happened. It especially comes up because I struggle a lot with feeling safe and not hurting with psubs basically everywhere. My husband does not struggle with them, but I struggle with them causing me a lot of fear. So he is often reminded of my pain. I'm not going to say it is easy for him, but instead of running from the discomfort it causes him, he allows it to be a reminder that he doesn't want to hurt me again. I actually think this is a critical skill that made a difference in his ability to stay clean. Sure he still had shame and negative feelings when he was acting out, but he also was in a state of denial that he was causing me pain (because in our story it was all hidden, I didn't know so he rationalized and told himself if I didn't know he wasn't actually hurting me. He was, it just didn't impact me until all at once when it had built up into a nuclear hurt). So he lessened the pain he felt by denying it. Now that he's clean he can say (from all that we've been through) that the pain he feels knowing he's hurting me is horrible. He doesn't want to feel it and he doesn't want to hurt me any more times. So he can tell himself that when he sees me still working through something, that he does not want to be the reason for me to hurt anymore and he doesn't want to hurt for hurting me again.

The other thing about this journey is learning how to sit with uncomfortable things and not need to act out. These moments can help condition your ability and resolve to not escape when something hard comes up. It's not easy by any means but it is important. It will show her that you are serious about changing and actually sorry about the pain you caused.
(sorry if that was convoluted or unclear, we recently had another baby and I am so sleep deprived right now).

 

Exactly.

"Shame eats secrets for breakfast" Brene Brown.

Being alone in those moments of shame for me isn't a question of if, it's a question if when I relapse. So I've had to develop a support system that can be reached out to. This of course includes my wife. But I went to long only talking to her and my priest about this, since confiding in some of my best friends all that's gone on for me personally as well as getting a therapist things have improved dramatically in the shame department. Being able to sit with those feelings is actually possible with that level of support.

 

You are a good man. Keep coming back. If you had a year without PMO, then you can get it back. Just keep trying. The secret to life without PMO is in the persistence, I believe. I need to learn to live in the present moment. There is no other way.