Let's Lighten Up

Dick Farcetardly: Drat and double drat, Mutley! I've been practicing the "Let's Go, Zoo Monkey!" method day in and day out to help me quit pmo, but it's not working, damn it! What am I to do?
Mutley Ravishes: What is the ""Let's Go, Zoo Monkey!" method, Dick?
Dick Farcetardly: Well, you know that monkey's in zoos will sometimes masturbate in front of people, unlike their counterparts in the wild, seemingly without a care in the world? So, what you need to do is build yourself a cage in your house, then get into it and masturbate, all the while imagining you are in a zoo with people looking on at you in horror and disgust. The sheer shame of it is supposed to help you quit pmo.
Mutley Ravishes: You didn't need to go to all that trouble of building yourself a cage, Dick.
Dick Farcetardly: Why not?
Mutley Ravishes: You're already in one.

 

Thanks for the link. Funny, but not Beastie Boys level! (imo)

 

Dick Farcetardly: Drat and double drat, Mutley! I've been practicing the "We've Got This!" method day in and day out to help me quit pmo, but it's not working, damn it! What am I to do?
Mutley Ravishes: What is the "We've Got This!" method, Dick?
Dick Farcetardly: Well, first of all you need to make an online meet up group. Then during the meet you all say to each other, "We've got this!" over and over like a mantra. Each time you say it you increase the volume incrementally until you're roaring it out. You can also punch the air on the "this!" to increase the power. The pmo habit starts to cower under the relentlessness and force of our collective chants. Now, because the pmo habit is inside of us we can enhance the power and effect even more by beating on our chests like those gorillas on tv as we chant. This let's the pmo habit know, without any doubt, that you're knocking on its door, ready to rumble! If you can go a full 12 rounds like those boxers in Las Vegas you'll definitely win the contest on points, thereby defeating the pmo habit!
Mutley Ravishes: There are much better mantras than that one, Dick.
Dick Farcetardly: Really?
Mutley Ravishes: Yes. Here's one (long version):

Oompa Loompa Doompa-dee-do
Pmo's got a message for you
"You're using me
To try and get free
Get off your ass
And take The Odyssey."

Dick Farcetardly: What's the short version?
Mutley Ravishes: Harry Mack

 

Ten Pericardiums

Childhood magic
Pile of ash
Seminal fluid
Out with the trash
Running out
Of hidden gas
Feel the pain
Of the lash
Of identification
With limitation

 

Antidote: a medicine taken or given to counteract a particular poison.

Antidote

Mickey Mouse, I'm mechanical
Spiral avoidance
Lost the animal
Dragon flow
Don't wanna know
Grasp the spasm
Crack orgasm
Snake in the cave
Don't wanna wake
How much more
Alive I'd be
If I went on an
Odyssey

 

Where Are You From?

Don't come from poverty
Or a broken family
Just living in so-so
Ordinary
But that don't mean no struggle with
Society
Caught up in
Identities
Hiding cosmic majesties
The bear don't care
Where you are from
Birds still be singing
Their songs
Old man river just keeps
Flowing on
When you sleep
Where's your identities gone?
When you're in the zone
What color are your bones?
The wind keeps blowing
The sun keeps glowing
Internal pressure showing
You that it wants release
It's turning up the heat
Seeing the deeps
Of the sea
Dip a toe into
The Odyssey

 

Dick Farcetardly: Drat and double drat, Mutley! If I'm not this body, as some people claim, then what on earth am I?
Mutley Ravishes: The space inside an atom is too immense to be ignored, Dick.

 

Take Up The Slack

I like coffee
And I like tea
I like the habits
That are devolving me
I like dwarfs
And I like giants
I only believe what I'm told
By "science"
I like the birds
And I like the bees
But two dimensions
Are easier than three
I like watching
And I like chatting
It's much less hassle
Than acting
I like pressure
And I like grief
Everyday I worship
My beliefs
I like Hong Kong Phooey
And I like Chewie
Instead of living life
I watch the movie
I like ejaculations
And I like injections
I don't respect
My immune system
I like chaffinches
And I like sparrows
I never draw the bow
And shoot the arrow

 

Dick Farcetardly: Drat and double drat, Mutley! I've been practicing the "Beat Myself Up!" method in order to quit pmo, but it's not working, damn it! What am I to do?
Mutley Ravishes: What is the "Beat Myself Up!" method, Dick?
Dick Farcetardly: Well, in Stage 1 each time you relapse, you tell yourself what a weak, pathetic, useless, shameful person you are. This starts to shame the pmo habit slowly into submission. If it still refuses to submit, then we go to Stage 2. We're upping the ante, Mutley! Here, you imagine punching yourself in the face after a relapse. Relapse again? Punch harder. Still not working? Ok, lets go to Stage 3. Now you can even imagine punching yourself so hard that it knocks the pmo habit right out of you, like a boxer delivering a K.O punch! Then you're free, in theory.
Mutley Ravishes: When the delivery driver knocks on your door to deliver a parcel, do you call him a twat and then punch him in the face?

 

Evolver

What if sexual energy
Is the way to enslavement
Or the way to be free?
What if it's fear
And it's courage?
What if it depends on how
You channel it?
What if fear and lust
Turn the waters of life
To dust?

What if SR and transmutation
Is an incantation?
Body cell saturation
Joint lubrication
Brain levitation
Reverse desiccation
Energy amplification?

Breaking limitation
Earthed imagination
Heart's captivation
Nemesis of self-laceration
Unique expression's liberation?

Slayer of cosmic rejection
Of ignorance's infection
Of intellect's dry machinations
Of blood's stagnant circulation?


What if it's boredom's resignation
Identity's capitulation
The serpent's elevation
Soul creation
Beauty's veneration
An alien invasion
Of reverence?

Or would you prefer to continue masturbating and ejaculating to pornographic images in your head or on a two dimensional screen?

 

Dick Farcetardly: Drat and double drat, Mutley! I've been practicing the "That's Not Science, This is!" method in order to quit pmo, but it's not working, damn it! What am I to do?
Mutley Ravishes: What is the "That's Not Science, This Is!" method, Dick?
Dick Farcetardly: Well, in Stage 1, which is the psychological preparation stage, you adopt a skeptical attitude towards any information that has not been tested and verified by scientists. This trains your mind to keep a laser focus on what is real and true! In Stage 2, which is further psychological preparation, you mock anyone who has information that has not been tested and verified by scientists. This trains and strengthens the mind even more from being thrown off balance by weirdos and the like. You are now ready for Stage 3! In this stage you get a special "Pmo Blocker Chip" inserted in your body. When an urge to pmo arises in your mind, it blocks the signal from your brain to your hands to masturbate or move them in any way, like using a mouse, scrolling on a phone, and so on. You can't pmo, in other words!
Mutley Ravishes: Have you been chipped, Dick?
Dick Farcetardly: Yes.
Mutley Ravishes: So what's the problem?
Dick Farcetardly: The harder I try not to think about pmo the more it appears in my mind. I was driving up to a drive-thru restaurant the other day when pmo thoughts made their appearance. I tried to think of something else, but to no avail. My hands went dead. I couldn't steer the car, Mutley!
Mutley Ravishes: What happened next, Dick?
Dick Farcetardly: I drove right through the restaurant.

 

The Urge

Isn’t the sexual urge
The urge to create?
And when that urge
Shows its face
It’s not just saying
Let’s create
Another bodily shape
I can also flow
Into any instrument
And relieve your
Predicament
If you set me to work
On God’s green earth

 

Dick Farcetardly: Drat and double drat, Mutley! My hippocampus is shrinking! What am I to do?
Mutley Ravishes: Well Dick. Can you tell me more about the hippocampus first?
Dick Farcetardly: I read that it's where emotions, mood, memory and creativity are processed. That it's one of the brain's key learning centers. And that this process produces crucial cells called index-neurons. These help to boost psychological resilience, curiosity, individuality and creativity, but most of all mental energy.
It went on to say that a shrunken hippocampus may result from poor diet, toxins in the air, food and water, and low levels of omega 3 fatty acids in the bloodstream.
Mutley Ravishes: Anything else, Dick?
Dick Farcetardly: Oh yes, I almost forgot, damn it! Fear, chronic stress, loss of purpose in life, lack of physical activity, poor sleep, and lack of socializing are all said to also contribute to the shrinking of the hippocampus.
Mutley Ravishes: No wonder you’re feeling overwhelmed. What did Yogi Bear have to say on the matter?
Dick Farcetardly: What? Oh wait, you mean that yogi I met in a sunlit glade in the woods the other day who was eating honey from a bee's nest. He told me I was burning up too much of the old ojas with all the pmoing.
Mutley Ravishes: That bear was really on to something. And into it as well. Just like those bees. Well Dick, you've answered your own question.

 

Dick Farcetardly: Drat and double drat, Mutley! I've tried everything in order to quit pmo, but nothing works! What am I to do?
Mutley Ravishes: Do you want the long answer or the short one Dick?
Dick Farcetardly: What's the long one?
Mutley Ravishes: Lecture, blah blah, conjecture, blah blah.
Dick Farcetardly: And the short one?
Mutley Ravishes: Jack of all trades, master of none, Dick!

 

Enter the Dragon

Pmo I have chosen
My life is frozen
In fear and lust
Biting the dust
When am I going
To enter the flowing
Dragon?

 

Dick Farcetardly: Drat and double drat, Mutley! I've been practising the "Think Yourself Out Of Pmo" method in order to quit pmo, but it's not working, damn it! What am I to do?
Mutley Ravishes: Can you think yourself out of death, Dick?
Dick Farcetardly: Of course not! So, what on earth am I to do?
Mutley Ravishes: Well, Dick,
If you're in the north
Head south
Into Sauron's mouth
If you're in the east
Head west
As Monkey's guest

 

Worrier To Warrior

When ignorance reigns
Welcome to pain
Fear gains a foothold
Lust has a stranglehold
Pleasure is mistaken
For treasure
Body feeling under
The weather
No relief from
Internal pressure
Pmo wrecked bones
Gnashing teeth skills
Honed
Curiosity and courage
Out on loan
Compassion thrown out
With the spasm
SR putting us back
In the zone

 

Dick Farcetardly: Drat and double drat, Mutley! I've been practising the "Self-Pity Method" in order to quit pmo, but it's not working, damn it! What am I to do?
Mutley Ravishes: What's the thinking behind the "Self-Pity Method," Dick?
Dick Farcetardly: Well Mutley, the more you feel sorry for yourself the more the pmo habit will take pity on you, and it will eventually feel so sorry for you that it will leave you alone.
Mutley Ravishes: It's taking 100% pity on you right now.
Dick Farcetardly: So why hasn't it left me alone?
Mutley Ravishes: It can't leave you alone until you listen to what it's saying.
Dick Farcetardly: What do you mean by "listen to what it's saying"?
Mutley Ravishes: Let's take a look at the definition of "take pity on someone":
"To feel sorry for someone, and to do something that shows this: We took pity on a couple of people waiting in the rain for a bus and gave them a lift."
Would you "take pity" on those folks waiting in the rain for a bus by just feeling sorry for them and then driving off, Dick?
Dick Farcetardly: Drat and double drat, Mutley!