I feel hopeless (Not hopeless anymore, i success)

Yes. Ten years sexless because he cared more about pixels than me.

 

Yessssir

 

Went through this thread. Please accept your fetishes man. You are torturing yourself trying to be aroused by something you aren’t naturally aroused by. I could never live a life suppressing my true sexual desires. Find a girl and incorporate your likes with her and then satisfy her needs. You can’t change your sexuality just like you can’t change from being gay to straight. Do you seriously want to suppress the main part of your sexuality for your whole life? You’ve been stressing over this for the past 4 years. You only live once. Stop trying to be “normal” and embrace your sexuality it’s 2024 man. Watching “vanilla” porn and finishing to it means nothing. There are gay men who end up having kids with wives. It doesn’t mean anything so stop using it for reassurance. This seems very similar. You’re going to end up hurting your future gf/wife by suppressing your sexuality like this. You keep trying to lie to yourself that you can be normal when you can just embrace and be happy.

 

Mate, I've been into femdom porn for twenty years, I know how hard it is to quit.
Femdom porn is VERY much seductive, those women saying and doing things that seem appealing to you.
They know exactly where you weaknesses are.
I have to say that I'm not 100% free of this sh!t, but I'm still trying, day after day.

Spoiler: femdom acts ahead

My thing was to get hit in the c*ck and b@lls by women wearing stilettos. B@llbusting, tr@mpling, CBT, sho3job / h33ljob until c*mming.

Those fetishes get branded inside one's head, they become a part of you somewhat.
But I like "vanilla sex" as well - that's why I think I can get rid of porn entirely.

 

This guy was never into sex to begin with and was actually disgusted about it. Now he’s saying he is becoming normal cause he can crack one to some vanilla porn. Sounds the exact same as what my gay friend told me on when he was trying to “turn” straight. It sucks see someone surpress/lie to themselves for so long.

 

I tend to agree with you. Sex orientation is one thing people cannot change easily, if ever.
Nobody can "turn straight" out of nowhere, for example.
I got your point.

 

Mate, I'm married, got a baby girl.
Prior to my current relationship, I used to "train" my past girlfriends, I taught them every femdom thing I enjoyed.

Spoiler: femdom acts ahead

And they performed ballbusting, trampling, CBT, facesitting, heeljob and all of that. At that time, it all felt very, very good.

 

I know you’re lying to yourself because I know how you feel. I have fetishes as well. Although I’m still into boobs ass even pussy sometimes, vanilla sex has always been meh. I remember trying to get myself to like vanilla porn. While I was finishing, it just didn’t hit the same and I realized I didn’t want to live unfulfilled like that. You may be in a worse case because you seem to only be into feet and femdom and not other areas. And sadly you just can’t change that. You may tell yourself you did, but you know deep down you can’t magically like a new body part naturally. Have you thought about finding an asexual relationship? I’ve seen guys into stuff like you with the same femdom/slave interests but are disgusted by sex. They usually stick with an asexual relationship so they don’t have to stress themselves out. Maybe think about that.

 

That's pretty fed up bringing another person into this hell having an asexual relationship. If you are incapable of giving and receiving love then don't get involved with anyone.

 

That's interesting because I think my femdom addict X was trying to turn me into a nasty bitch because it's what he likes.

 

Hey man, I’m in a very similar situation as you, had a femdom / feet fetish since childhood and wasn’t very super interested in normal sex.

I came across this thread a bit ago and have been following it, as there just is not a ton of information out there. I think we’re kind of working it out ourselves.

So in that spirit I wanted to share my experience. Although I wasn’t interested in vanilla sex at all in childhood and teen years, somehow when I got a gf at the end of my teen years I started to enjoy and like vanilla aspects more. For about a year and a half I had a girlfriend who I did vanilla stuff with(bj, hj, kissing) and enjoyed it, although we only had sex a few times. I’m not sure if I would’ve gotten even more into sex, as it was still hard in a way, but the pattern makes me think I would.

My best guess is that perhaps having an attachment to somehow can trigger a different kind of arousal, perhaps romantic rather than purely sexual, which can change things.

I understand wandererflower’s perspective, but think the jury is still out. Someone on here once sent me a couple books about paraphalia and I devoured them, just cause there aren’t many out there.

I read them a while ago, but I think one was by j Paul federoff. In the book he details case studies of men with paraphalia, and actually describes a situation exactly like what I mentioned. A man had been cheating on his wife with obese women as part of a paraphalia, and was uninterested in “normal” sex. But, when federoff had him and his wife focus more on romance, such as cuddling for weeks, then kissing, and so on, he was able to get aroused and enjoy it in a different way.

I forget what the other book was called, but it was also by a psychologist who had worked with paraphalia. The idea that it is like being gay trying to like women is flawed in his mind, as he views paraphalia as a shallower layer of sexuality than homosexuality, as it is normally contained within the same sex. That is to say, people with paraphalia often already like women, and parts of their body or overall consider them sensual in some way, which is much closer to enjoying vanilla sex then a gay man, who also is distanced by liking a completely different sex and finds women entirely unappealing.

I know this is long, but wanted to share all this as it is an important aspect of life and I know there’s little information.I think the best option is to try relationships with actual girls, also because that is fun inherently, and see where you land. Beyond all of this, staying calm and as hard as it can be sometimes, loving yourself, is important in this life no matter where you fall. Even if you find you don’t like certain aspects of vanilla sex, you could definitely find a girl who perhaps enjoys being a bit dom in bed, and you all could incorporate that in. Like I said before, you could find yourself naturally enjoying vanilla acts a bit more and willing to please her in that way for the normality it brings. Or you could find a girl who truly likes playing out your fetishes cause it makes you happy.

There are so many paths with this and no reason to lose hope man. You’ll be ok, just keep calm and carry on. Apologies for the length but wanted to give a proper reply. Peace man!

 

Sexuality is what we make it out to be. Fully agree with this post. I’m starting to think that people who have an extra layer to their sexuality like a paraphilia should be extra proud, not because we have it, but we work around it and discover ourselves in aspects we never would think of. This is truly a path of self discovery rather than a porn addiction. No reason to feel hopeless, but I understand it can be very very difficult.

 

I actually agree with you and I may be wrong on the “trying to cure homosexuality” comparison. I’ve seen many fetishists and most of them have had their fetish since childhood. I believe fetishes work like this: The thing with real fetishes is they are the primary drive of your sexuality. Similar to how non fetishists are driven by PIV sex and everything else is sort of extra. Trying to ignore your primary drive of sex will only make you suffer and won’t help at all (this is assuming your fetish is not hurting anyone). Most fetishists are not driven by regular sex. Although, from what I seen, a lot can connect what they like to it. I think finding what is the main drive of your sexuality and trying to connect that to intimacy with a partner is the best way to truly enjoy sexual intimacy.

However, many fetishist can get a bad end of the stick where their fetishes are so disconnected from sex or they are repulsed by regular sex, which causes them much more struggle in enjoying intimacy (many identify as asexual). So it really is a spectrum and finding out how you can take your primary drive and connecting that the best way you can with sex.

All of this is coming from stories and chats with multiple fetishists of different fetishes and their experiences with relationships and sex.

 

I agree with a lot of this, and definitely also think it’s much better to not suppress you fetish and enjoy it if it isn’t hurting anyone. But, I doubt that its always the case that to enjoy vanilla you’d connect it in some sense to your fetish.

For me personally I enjoy vanilla stuff simply in a different way, it feels pretty unrelated to my fetish when I experience it.

 

I’m not saying you NEED to include fetish desires to enjoy vanilla. I personally can enjoy vanilla too without my fetish (not as strongly, and same as you, it feels different). I also love using my fetish as foreplay and incorporating thoughts and acts of my fetish with sex. But there are stronger cases like the OP of this journal where they feel disconnected and struggle more than other fetishists. I’ve seen people with real fetishes that find it hard to enjoy vanilla and ones that can easily enjoy it. There is a spectrum and I was talking about the people on the harder side of it. Seeing OP struggle for 7 years of this makes me assume it’s more of an extreme case and I’m trying to help them.